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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SD behaviour unacceptable

14 replies

Moominmoomoo · 05/08/2023 05:45

DH and I have been married nearly 10 years, we have a DD (6 yo) and DS (4yr old). DH has a daughter from previous marriage, she's nearly 20. Over the years I've really struggled. She's been very indulged by everyone (DH, her mum and grandparents) and literally never had to do anything for herself. I've tried to be diplomatic over the years and made suggestions which fell on deaf ears, at one point MIL told me I was out of order for expecting SD to help around the house (at the time DS was 16 and I'd asked her to help with the hoovering a couple of times - she had to be supervised as she couldnt do it). I have suggested there may something she needs help with, may have autism which she may need support with. Fast forward, she's nearly 20 and can't function as a nearly 20 year old. There are a number of issues which aren't her fault, as I say she's been over indulged over the years and I suspect she may have autism. She sits on her bed all day every day. She has applied unsuccessfully for a couple of jobs . I've offered to help which she's refused and I've made suggestions of what to do to make her cv better ie volunteering etc. My issue is, she is totally self absorbed doesn't care about anyone unless they are of use and sits on her bed all day every day. DS had massive surgery recently, when home from hospital she didn't even come out of her room to say hello. He was desperate to see her, it was really upsetting.
I'm struggling to tolerate the lack of effort with anything and feel like I'm about to explode. She lives with us 50% of the time and i cant bear it anymore. I dont want to be mean, AIBU? Does anyone have any suggestions or show me another perspective I may be missing?

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 05/08/2023 08:34

I think you have 2 problems and the biggest is your DH. What does ne have to say about her future?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2023 08:38

What does he think is going to happen with her long term? It sounds like both her parents have failed her completely. Does he expect her to be living with you barely leaving her room, having no life of her own when she’s 30, 40, 50?

Anothernamethesamegame · 05/08/2023 09:37

She’s 20 and does 50/50 still?
It sounds like an awfully sad small life for her to be leading at the prime time of her life?

Does she have friends or go out and do any hobbies?

Id be suggesting they take her to the GP and ask for an assessment of her needs. Sounds like something is going on. How did she manage at school/college?

PrFi · 05/08/2023 09:42

I wouldn’t put up with that behaviour from my own let alone someone else’s. Your DH needs to sort this out, I’m assuming he’s as frustrated as you so he needs to put boundaries in place for her & first would be get a job or further education. Have you personally spoken to her about the situation (even though you shouldn’t have to)?

DuckyShincracker · 05/08/2023 09:58

I think you are her best hope for being a functioning human. I would be saying to the other adults involved what skills are we giving her to live an independent life once we are all gone? It sounds like they've got into a mindset where they feel sorry for her and frankly it's of no help to her in terms of progressing with her independence.

Original poster

Moominmoomoo · 05/08/2023 11:58

Everything you've all said really resonates, I feel really disloyal as I love DH and he is a brilliant dad to our 2 DC but im really frustrated with the situation. I think both parents have rather naively thought everything would turn out in the end for her. She doesn't really have any friends, or hobbies. She won't go anywhere unless it's with a parent or grandparent. It is really very sad, and has lead to her behaving like a rather spoilt child. I have really tried with my suggestions but nothing happens, and now the response is that she's an adult she can't be forced. I have tried talking to her, but she looks away and doesn't listen. She struggled at school, she got 2 gcse, didn't get maths and has resat several times.
I will have another chat with DH, and will clearly spell things out to him.
Thanks for your responses, I keep thinking im being an awful SM by not going along with it so it helps to know im not being completely unreasonable!

OP posts:

comfyshoes2022 · 05/08/2023 12:23

I think you’re right that her behaviour is inappropriate. I can imagine how maddening it must be for you but it sounds like your SD may be depressed or have other serious problems. So I would to the extent possible try to get into a headspace of compassion toward her vs. frustration/blame/anger as you move forward (although I’m sure you need a place to vent).

DuckyShincracker · 05/08/2023 12:32

Sounds like you need to get her checked for dyscalculia. Support needs to be put in place to help her navigate life. You are actually being a very good SM. It's everyone else letting her down by having such low expectations for her achievement.

Halfemptyhalfling · 05/08/2023 12:41

I think you making an effort to help her get a job would help everyone

MeridianB · 05/08/2023 19:06

Totally reasonable to ask your DH what the plan is. It’s understandable to be worried that she may still be with you in a decade.

There are a number of issues which aren't her fault, as I say she's been over indulged over the years and I suspect she may have autism.

Not so nice to be glib about the potential for her to have a neurological or developmental disorder. If you truly believe this, have you suggested that your DH support her in getting a diagnoses?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/08/2023 19:14

I think everyone talking about her 'behaviour' needs some compassion, the op seems to have some compassion. This young woman is socially struggling and is probably on the. Rink of depression she needs support and guidance and encouragement and to find a direction. I don't think it's because she's a spoilt brat I think it's because she is a really lost soul.

Gymmum82 · 05/08/2023 19:15

Surely your DH can see these issues? I think you need to have a serious chat with him about where he sees her future.
She sounds like she needs support and guidance. She has no friends. No qualifications. Can’t even go anywhere without mummy or daddy. At 20. None of this is normal.
In the mean time can you teach her some life skills? Cooking? Cleaning? Helping round the house. That would be non negotiable if she wanted to continue living under my roof. She probably won’t want to do it, but I would seriously make her

Icycloud · 05/08/2023 19:16

Not your place to get involved X

Original poster

Moominmoomoo · 06/08/2023 06:26

Thanks for the messages, I do feel lost in terms of what I can do to help which is why I posted and I did struggle to try and get everything down without writing an even longer post.

I would really like to help, but every attempt has been rather rudely rejected by DSD. I can see that that in itself is something which needs sorting out, but as everything I do is rejected I'm stuck in terms of what I can do. I have spoken to DH several times. He is a brilliant dad, he is very kind and does have best intentions and done what he thought was best over the years. But where he agrees with my concerns , he often disagrees with my suggestions to resolve them and doesn't think they'll really help - fair enough, he's her parent but something more proactive needs to be done. I believe DSD mum recognises there is a problem but she doesn't feel anything can be done as SD is an adult now and DH agrees with this - you can't force her to do something at this age. I have voiced my concerns over this as
we can't just do nothing.

I'm sorry if my reference to autism seemed glib, thats absolutely not how I feel. I have raised this as an issue previously (years ago) but I can't take her to get help as I'm not the parent And no one else agreed with me at the time - they have since questioned this but as she's an adult feel it's up to DSD to go to the Dr's, again I've suggested she needs someone to go with her as it would be daunting and we know she won't do it if left to her own devices.

Both DH and her mum recognised that there were issues with her maths at school and for about 2 years she went for private tuition once a week, they also spoke to the school and got her some extra help. So it's not like nothing at all has been done to help her - over the years they genuinely did what they thought was best but hit 20 years old and both parents recognise that she is struggling in ways they didn't think she was before - even though I had talked to DH about these concerns when she was younger.

It is really helpful to see all the different perspectives, and that was my reason for posting. I find it really upsetting to see her disinterest in her younger siblings, but i know I need to leave that and focus on trying to support DH better in resolving the issues. As I say, both parents have best intentions and are trying to be very kind but I need to support DH in recognising that a more proactive approach is needed and I'll use your suggestions when I talk to him again

Thanks for the comments and I'm sorry for the really long post

OP posts:

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