What boundaries are needed?

[Lampadus456]

I’m with a newish partner and one day hope to meet their kids and move our life forward together (if it goes ok)

There is a lot of talk here about boundaries - with your partner and the ex and how they work together for the kids. What should I be thinking about or looking out for to make it go well but also protect myself? What has worked (or not) for you?

It depends on how the relationship is between your partner and his ex. Do they get on ok or is the partner high conflict?

My DHs ex is very high conflict. Some boundaries we have in place that have worked for us are:

The ex is blocked and can't contact me directly.

Communication should be only about the kids and strictly necessary. All other messages are ignored.

DH runs any changes to the schedule past me first and we don't cancel our plans because ex needs childcare on her time.

In terms of the kids, you'll need to discuss your involvement. If he expects you to look after them then he should also allow you to discipline if needed. Discuss what boundaries he has with the kids. Do they have a set bedtime routine, does he discipline them or is he a Disney dad who lets them away with anything.

But really it depends on your situation, how the ex behaves.l and how your partner parents. No one can really tell you what boundaries you'll need without knowing what's been happening. If the ex is pleasant you might not need the same boundaries. The main thing is that you partner listens to you if something is making you uncomfortable and that he takes your feelings into consideration.

If he thinks the kids should always come first no matter what and that he can't prioritise you, then he's not ready for a romantic relationship.

Some people might say you're jumping the gun a bit with this post since it's only early day but there would be far fewer posts on the step-parenting board if people actually thought about these things in advance.

I agree with @Laurdo

One thing myself and partner discussed very early on was our approach to child rearing. In fact due to having a large extended family it is actually very normal for my siblings, cousins, etc to discuss child rearing with a new partner early on whether one person has children or not simply because there are occasions where you could find yourself helping to look after a younger family member.

I think that if you new partner has a decent co-parenting relationship with his ex where they both act like adults and they don't expect you to be routine, back-up childcare then everything else should fall into place.

Some people might say you're jumping the gun a bit with this post since it's only early day
The same people would probably berate the OP for for finding things tough because she "knew what she was getting into"

Not boundaries as such, but I have taken on the parenting / emotional labour of DPs children. I don’t. Separate out communal jobs like cooking, washing etc (which we both do) but I enjoy his kids and don’t get embroiled in parenting and same with him and my two.

in terms of boundaries. His ex is very difficult so DP and I have worked together to lessen her impact on us as a couple and family. It helps but she is still pretty awful and is literally the only think we argue about.

Also not a boundary but we always agreed children (and their needs) come first.

Major typo should say haven’t!

Some good stuff in here already. Especially important is that the contact schedule is adhered to and your partner isn’t the default child care option when mum wants time off. If he says “but it’s extra time with my children” and volunteers to do it, this will cause friction as it impacts on your couple time.

Another thing is that the Main Workload has to be his. He cooks, cleans up after them, does washing, strips beds etc. I of course shop food for them when I’m out anyway but that’s about it.

Something else is finances. If he’s already paying maintenance plus the kids stuff at his house, such as clothes and toys etc etc etc and then still spends out every time they are there on big days out etc that will become an area of conflict. Also make sure that you aren’t cross subsidising him and are funding holidays as a couple cos he has nothing left.

Mainly that they can say no to their ex I think; if they never say no and jump when the ex says jump then you’re in for a lot of problems. Personally I would be cautious if someone was too emeshed with their ex (days out together etc) as while that’s lovely for the kids I just wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

@Lampadus456
Keep in mind boundaries have to do with what you can or cannot or will not tolerate. They are not rules that you impose on others. It is all about you and the ring or parameters around your life.

I may not be willing to tolerate cheating. If my partner were to cheat, he would not be breaking my boundary as those boundaries govern what I will do under those circumstances. I cannot blame him for breaking my boundary, I can only blame myself if I don't act on my boundary.

Boundaries are like the religious commandments in reverse. They are not statements of what others cannot or should not do. Instead they are statements of what you will do should certain things occur. You set up boundaries realizing that you have no control over what others may or may not do.However, you have absolute control over how you will respond to certain situations.

Only you can violate your boundaries by not responding in the way that you stipulated. You boundaries can also be elastic and changeable as your information and life experiences evolve and change.