step children - bedtime

[ifandbutwhynot]

Hi all
first post! Just looking for advice or what others have done that worked in terms of emotions at bedtime with two young kids missing mummy.

my partner m26 has two children (4yo boy, 7yo girl) from his previous marriage, been split since the younger one was one. We’ve been together just shy of 18 months, live together and see them every other weekend and for longer in the school holidays. I love them dearly but always feel at a bit of a loss with them coming into a relationship aged 25 with two children that aren’t totally tiny.

we went through a period of around 6 months where due to difficulties between the two parents, we weren’t allowed to see the kids at all and as you can imagine (contact only started again in June, and we now have them for a week) the adjustment period has been unsettling, but honestly, I think it’s going okay.

the kids have been absolutely brilliant given the circumstances and we’ve been as understanding as we can - both of us come from divorced families, so we kind of get it.

the only thing I’m at a loss with is bed times. Both but especially the daughter (7) get into bed at night and quite frequently will burst into tears about missing mummy and wanting to go home. We live 2 hours away and have on occasion allowed FaceTimes before bed but this seems to have made it worse, so we try and stick to FaceTimes with mummy in the morning now and then have a day full of fun stuff to keep them busy.

i just feel absolutely awful for her, I feel like I can understand as it wasn’t so long ago I was her age and in the exact same boat, you miss the other parent desperately when they’re not about, regardless of who you have around you or how much of a nice time you’re having. We’ve tried everything we can think of to get her to settle, reassurance, distraction, comfort, I just don’t know how to make it better. Inevitably one will set the other off and then we have a whole bedtime mess where neither will settle.

does it just get easier over time? Or is there something you guys have found that works. I’m at a complete loss - I’ve been the kid in that situation, but obviously not the parent, and I just want to make sure I’m doing everything I can for them

We have this with my DSD as she sleeps with mum at her home. We had professional advice as follows:

We avoid FaceTime as much as possible but especially near bedtime.

Warm milk, dairy products, lettuce (weirdly) around bedtime release sleep chemicals. So does a change in temperature so putting warm pyjamas on and getting into a cold bed (hard in summer).

No screens an hour before bedtime. Instead, we do hand eye activities like colouring, puzzles, etc followed by a story (not in bed). Her bedroom is then only associated with sleep. Every time she shouts, we go in and tell her it’s bedtime now lay her back down (as best we can) and leave until the next time. If she’s consistently shouting then we go in every minute and do the same. It’s really hard work, especially if they’re only there EOW.

DSD chose the decor of her bedroom and had staple toys she sleeps with at each home to act as comforters.

Disclaimer, we have ended up allowing her to share a room with a sibling so she’s not properly alone but she still struggles without someone being physically in bed with her.

Sadly, I think it is something that they have to come to terms with on their own through consistency in boundaries and routine. I can fully sympathise with your situation though.