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Step-parenting

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Original poster

step children - bedtime

26 replies

ifandbutwhynot · 03/08/2023 21:11

Hi all
first post! Just looking for advice or what others have done that worked in terms of emotions at bedtime with two young kids missing mummy.

my partner m26 has two children (4yo boy, 7yo girl) from his previous marriage, been split since the younger one was one. We’ve been together just shy of 18 months, live together and see them every other weekend and for longer in the school holidays. I love them dearly but always feel at a bit of a loss with them coming into a relationship aged 25 with two children that aren’t totally tiny.

we went through a period of around 6 months where due to difficulties between the two parents, we weren’t allowed to see the kids at all and as you can imagine (contact only started again in June, and we now have them for a week) the adjustment period has been unsettling, but honestly, I think it’s going okay.

the kids have been absolutely brilliant given the circumstances and we’ve been as understanding as we can - both of us come from divorced families, so we kind of get it.

the only thing I’m at a loss with is bed times. Both but especially the daughter (7) get into bed at night and quite frequently will burst into tears about missing mummy and wanting to go home. We live 2 hours away and have on occasion allowed FaceTimes before bed but this seems to have made it worse, so we try and stick to FaceTimes with mummy in the morning now and then have a day full of fun stuff to keep them busy.

i just feel absolutely awful for her, I feel like I can understand as it wasn’t so long ago I was her age and in the exact same boat, you miss the other parent desperately when they’re not about, regardless of who you have around you or how much of a nice time you’re having. We’ve tried everything we can think of to get her to settle, reassurance, distraction, comfort, I just don’t know how to make it better. Inevitably one will set the other off and then we have a whole bedtime mess where neither will settle.

does it just get easier over time? Or is there something you guys have found that works. I’m at a complete loss - I’ve been the kid in that situation, but obviously not the parent, and I just want to make sure I’m doing everything I can for them

OP posts:
greenteaandmarshmallows · 03/08/2023 21:17

This sounds obvious but does your partner acknowledge that they miss their mum and that that's ok and normal or do they try and minimise it a bit in the hope that makes it easier? I find saying ah yes that is upsetting etc helps more than trying to be bright and breezy.

Also consider going out/stay in another room in the evening while parent puts them to bed by themselves - see if that helps? It could be they feel conflicted with you around as it reminds them you are not their mother.

Just things to try if you haven't.

PearlHandle · 03/08/2023 21:24

I agree. Their dad needs to create his own bedtime routine with them and I would stay out of it completely. Firstly because two adults is too much fuss and secondly because it is the perfect chance for them to spend time together on their own.

He needs to work out west he wants to happen and then get on with it, keeping it the same every time so they feel secure. All of the normal things, story, nightlight, drink by the bed. They need to feel loved as they go to bed.

aSofaNearYou · 03/08/2023 21:26

It's tough, it's not really something you can fix for them. With my DSS, we found he'd be far more likely to be this way if it was even ten minutes past his bedtime, he would just get emotional, so maybe explore whether she's overtired. It did get better with age.

MeridianB · 03/08/2023 21:34

Some good advice here already and I agree about creating a new routine - rituals are very comforting. Warm milk, bath and stories. Can he read until the 7yo falls asleep?

Does she stay up later than the 4yo?

Did they choose their own bedding etc? Nightlights, special toys? I know these things are givens for smaller children but 7 is still emotionally little.

Original poster
ifandbutwhynot · 04/08/2023 07:31

Thanks for your comments! I will talk to him about making his own routine - to be honest, since we started seeing them again in June, we’ve tried to implement the same routines they have at home - their mother can be tricky and has picked fights in the past so we thought it would be best, but I can see why it might confuse the kids!

@greenteaandmarshmallows its absolutely acknowledged, she initially seemed to think she’d be in trouble for telling us she missed mummy but we made sure she knew that wasn’t the case and that it’s okay to feel the way she does. I’ll try dipping out at bedtimes again, I did for a short while but they asked for me to come back.

@PearlHandle I do agree though, it’s a lot of fuss and people, probably not helping. Hadn’t really considered it but definitely makes sense!

@MeridianB unfortunately they go to bed at the same time, They share a room when at ours which they don’t at home and we have been trying to follow the same kind of bedtime routine she has (apparently) at home. They have chosen their own comfy stuff, cuddlies, blankets etc, I wonder if we can get them out to choose their own bedding and stuff 🤞🏻I have wondered if she’s simply not tired at the same time as her brother and if going to bed while half awake has made it harder for her.

the other thing is bedtime seems to bring up some questionable comments about what goes on at home - last night we had “everyone isn’t nice to me at home but I still miss it” - would you be worried or just put it down to being upset?

OP posts:
Summertime109 · 04/08/2023 07:37

I would acknowledge and empathise that they miss their Mum and reassure them they’ll see her soon and can FaceTime her in the morning. Mine were like this when they were younger if they spent more than two nights away. (usual routine.)

I also found that if I didn’t call them they didn’t really miss me (Tbf was just one holiday a year) so I would stick to Morning FaceTime etc.

You could also reassure your DP that they will love spending time with him despite missing their Mum.

Isthisexpected · 04/08/2023 07:39

I think you should make yourself scare actually. This is so new for then. June wasn't long ago at all. They need to learn to feel safe (emotionally) with their Dad.

Isthisexpected · 04/08/2023 07:39

Scarce!

Don't scare them 😀

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/08/2023 07:44

No advice but you sound like a lovely stepmum, OP.Flowers

Peridot1 · 04/08/2023 07:52

You do sound lovely and I’m sure it’s really hard to see them upset.

I agree that maybe it’s not helping to put them to bed at the same time. She is quite a bit older and maybe as you say trying to go to sleep when she is not so tired is possibly leading to part of the upset.

As you have been through similar when you were younger have you spoken to her about that? So you can say you know exactly what it feels like and you were the same but that it got easier. And you know she misses Mummy and that’s ok. Maybe suggest some things that you can say helped you. You can make them up but just her doing something that she thinks helped you might help her if you see what I mean.

gogomoto · 04/08/2023 08:01

How about the elder can stay up with you for an extra half an hour, read books or a quiet game, craft or similar (avoid screens) then she can slip into bed on the understanding she needs to be quiet due to her sleeping brother

MeridianB · 04/08/2023 09:56

if the 4yo is going to sleep without problems then I’d definitely keep your DSD up later. What time does she currently go to bed at yours?

Also, the ex has no say over what happens in your home and cannot force her routines onto you if you want to try something different for the benefit of the children.

Is your DH looking at court to avoid further withdrawal of contact?

Whattodo112222 · 04/08/2023 10:03

You sound like a lovely step parent but I think dad should be putting the kids to bed and not you. I get they may ask for you but you do not let children guide you as a parent. Your partner should be doing the bedtime routine.

You've taken on a lot of responsibility for only being together 18 months.
Its really important both kids don't pick up on any negative energy as a result of your fights with mum.

I think dad should put the 4 year old to sleep and the 7 year old should probably stay up a little bit later with you both. Sounds like you're putting her to sleep when she's not tired.

Good luck. Hope it gets better x

Original poster
ifandbutwhynot · 04/08/2023 10:43

Thanks for all your lovely replies! Definitely got some things to try. I was super worried about posting tbh!! So thank you all for being lovely 🤍. We’ll try keeping the older one up a bit later and I’m going to take a bit of a back seat again for bedtimes ☺️ any tips on how I tell her I’m not going to be about? She often asks for me to come sit with her, I just don’t want to offend her or make her think I’m not wanting to be with her when I don’t come in

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 04/08/2023 11:10

I would say something like you and daddy have had a chat and for the moment you've decided it's better he does the bedtime routines and also that he wants to. They may not think he wants to put them to bed because you've been doing it and your partner has been quite happy to let you.

I'd reassure them both that you love them both (if you do) and that when you go up to bed, you'll check on them both.

It's good to show them you've both made the decision and would help if both you and your partner tell them together if they ask.. doesn't need to big deal if they don't make a fuss.

Peridot1 · 04/08/2023 12:20

I’m not a step parent and don’t have any experience but I’m not understanding why the OP should step back from bed times if the SD actually asks for her. Is that not likely to make her feel more upset and like she doesn’t matter?

MeridianB · 04/08/2023 13:33

any tips on how I tell her I’m not going to be about? She often asks for me to come sit with her, I just don’t want to offend her or make her think I’m not wanting to be with her when I don’t come in

Could you ask her what prefers? How she wants to spend her 'big girl time' when her brother is asleep?

Reugny · 04/08/2023 14:26

Peridot1 · 04/08/2023 12:20

I’m not a step parent and don’t have any experience but I’m not understanding why the OP should step back from bed times if the SD actually asks for her. Is that not likely to make her feel more upset and like she doesn’t matter?

The OP could walk out tomorrow and the children would have absolutely no contact with her due to their age, so they need to feel emotional safe with their parent and feel they can depend on their parent at all times.

Also if the children are now going to bed at different times, then while the dad puts the 4 year old in bed the older child will spend the time alone with the OP.

Peridot1 · 04/08/2023 15:02

@Reugny - thanks for the explanation. That makes a lot of sense.

Original poster
ifandbutwhynot · 04/08/2023 15:39

We’ve been doing it together, but I’ll definitely try explaining it like that. I’ve always tried to encourage them having time for sure, all 4 of us but also time for them to still spend with daddy alone so I don’t see why bedtime can’t be one of those times 😊

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 04/08/2023 15:42

hmm, how about their father starts bringing some of his childhood into theirs. So perhaps he buys his favourite childrens books and shares that with them. It gives them a common ground and he can tell them about his experiences/adventures at that age.

MsRead · 04/08/2023 15:53

I agree with Dad doing bedtime and acknowledging that missing Mummy is hard and upsetting. If they get a bedtime story, could you both maybe ensure you also have their favourite books? Some children like the same story read to them for familiarity? Just an idea.

I also think it’s great that you empathise and remember what it was like for you. So many adults forget. He is very lucky to have a partner who is this thoughtful and caring towards his children. I think it is wonderful you are seeing this from their perspective.

QuillBill · 04/08/2023 16:11

I’m not understanding why the OP should step back from bed times if the SD actually asks for her.

Two adults doing a bedtime routine for two children is a hullabaloo.

It's unnecessary, it makes a completely normal activity into something bigger than it needs to be.

They need to be cutting down on the children asking for things at bedtime that's all part of the issue in my opinion.

Namaste21 · 12/08/2023 18:52

So I’m in a strange situation. I’m in a same sex relationship. I brought my son up from when he was 6 months old. Birth certificate mum left when he was 6 months to live her life in Australia. The grass wasn’t greener. We initially encouraged for them to bond and spend time together but he was always a second option. Now she’s back she wants contact I would do anything that would benefit him but he has continuously been let down by her. Everything I do I do for him but, even though I’ve brought him up, he’s not legally my son. My fiancé wants to now let her have involvement and I just can’t see him let down

Namaste21 · 12/08/2023 18:53

Sorry wrong thread tried to delete it 🙈