What level of contact does your DP have with his ex?

[Uptoyou34]

Just that really...I'm curious through all the fellow step-mum's on here the amount / type of contact your DP has with his ex?

Also, I'm primarily talking about relationships that are now settled a few years down the line & routines established etc, and for kids who are still in school age for comparison.

I’m the ex rather than the stepparent but ex and I (1 dc together who is 11) had 7 texts and 2 calls in the last week and I’d say that’s fairly normal. Usually pretty short and just about timings for drop offs or a reminder about something for ds. I also sent him a few pics of ds doing activities on holiday.

My ex partner and I only communicate about dates and times. The contact my son has with his dad changes due to his shift pattern and he usually sees him 3x a month (his choice) so we don't speak regularly.
My partner and his ex wife speak to are he contact, he is also a shift worker so changes. They are with us 2 nights a week so more often but they don't chit chat.

I speak / text with my ex most days (or he’s round picking up or dropping off one of our kids.) We have a 50:50 ish very flexible set up and we are both happy helping out with school pick ups (usually me) lifts to extra curricular activities (him) so lots of coming and going.

I co-parent 50/50 with my ex, and we speak/text most days. We do have a good relationship though. He makes a much better co-parent than than he did husband! We also see each other in person once a week and have a catch up over a cuppa.

They used to phone. Now they just text as required.

They haven’t had a phone call ever ….

Everything is done via text only… dsd is 15 now but they would probably only text once every couple of months in the past normally if one of them wanted to change pick up/drop off time.

Now they probably only message once every 5-6 months…

last time dsd mum text was last month, time before that was 5 months before

What are people actually talking about with their exs everyday? Seems hugely excessive but it may be because I’m used to the above.

As the ex, regular family dinners and days out. Totally as friends.

Bare minimum. Only contact via text if requesting a change to the parenting schedule. Sometimes she tries to contact DH about other things but he just ignores. She's extremely high conflict to strict boundaries are necessary.

roarfeckingroar - totally this - our DCS know what happened now, they are old enough to understand and we show our DCs that regardless of what has happened - we are both on the same page, they can not play us off and they get time to sit down with both parents and discuss their issues - once not having to speak repeat about the same thing.

We are now friends - occasionally have a drink/ coffee - met for lunch etcetc

My ex and I text maybe 10 times a week. We have 50/50. Will be things like can you remember to bring xyz, don’t forget it’s netball club tonight kind of thing. We are amicable.

my oh and his ex despise each other. The only communication he has is her usually being abusive and a handful of times a
week. Her oh also likes to send abuse 🙈

They have 50/50 custody so a couple of texts a week about what days and times kids be over or if anyone is ill or anything but that is it really. They get on well but not friends per se, everything they do is for the kids.

A couple of texts a week now the kids are mid/late teens, a call every two or three weeks, and they’d see each other about that often.

When they were little it would have been double this, maybe a bit more

This sounds really healthy. Currently going through breakup with my DP- we have 2 young children and the description of your relationship is where I'd like us to get to (neither of us has done anything "wrong" we're just incompatible). Could I ask how long it took you to get to this point? Or was it quite quick? Atm DP is hurting (breakup instigated by me) and I can't see how we'll get there currently...

Bare-minimum, years later and she's still extremely high-conflict.

Me on the other hand, I have a relatively good relationship with my ex. We chat a lot. Even had coffee together twice this year. We text/speak several times a week, mostly about the kids, but sometimes about work or other stuff.

Very similar to this arrangement here. I think our child has benefited immensely from use remaining on such good terms. It can be hard going, I have found him frustrating at times and I’m sure he would say the same of me. But it’s important to us both we remain on good terms for our child.

My SS mother is extremely HC (9 years on from the breakup). Due to her abusive and lying behaviour, all communication is email only. Again due to her personality we have a pretty strict order (set days, times, explicitly outlines who pays what) meaning there is little need for communication except for school or medical purposes really. They could probably go 3 or 4 weeks without communicating. Historically she used to ring 5 or 6 times a day plus multiple texts just being abusive etc.

I talk to my ex most days; it's usually general updates or questions about the kids or contact arrangements, but typically messages:

• are you home? DC needs their wellies/spare trainers/school jumper.
• I want to go to an event on a date I have the dcs, can you have them extra?
• dc is moving up a stage in swimming, which class shall we put them in?
• dc's teacher said they were naughty/very good today doing xyz.
• I've made a dentist/doctor/optician appointment for dc but it falls on your day, are you OK to take them?

We also tend to hand over about particularly good or bad behaviour and other little things the dcs have said or done, e.g. if they mention they are upset or worried about something, so the other parent gets a heads up. We will also send the other parent photos of the dcs if we go for a day out or something. Both our dcs have SEN so there is usually something to report most days.

They stopped any face to face drop offs / conversations as she’s now attacked him physically three times.

It went down to texting but he blocked her as she would message at all times of day and night being vile.

They now just keep it to emails. He responds to what it necessary. Anything nasty / unreasonable he just ignores.

She sounds delightful. You have my sympathies.

Thankfully we're past the stage of 4am drunken phonecalls and abusive voicemails. She's still an absolute creature but things have settled down a bit. Hopefully they do for you too.

A lot, she comes round her for tea most weeks, they speak on the phone a lot or text and we've been away with here and the (now young adult) kids a few times. She's at weddings and birthdays, and also just pops round. We ended up spending the weekend away with just her once due to circumstances.

Partly this is because one of DH's kids was very seriously ill for a couple of years. But it's not just that.

They've been split 15 years or so and DH and I have been together for about 13. They've definitely had their moments of disagreements and they still do on occasion, but basically they both from the start decided that while they couldn't live together any more they were going to put the kids first. And this works for us, their kids and them.