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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex staying over

45 replies

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 06:55

Partner’s ex wife arrived with gifts for their child’s birthday (his contact time) and ended up staying the night at the child’s request. Day out together arranged for the following day. Partner says he was unhappy about it but couldn’t say no.

They are amicable which is great but he seems to minimise how friendly they are. I feel the no choice part is not true, just said to make the situation easier to explain.

Part of me feels this is a nice thing to do - both parents are there for the birthday morning and it makes the child happy. Another part feels very uncomfortable and I’m unsure how/if to articulate it without being unreasonable.

What should I do?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 03/08/2023 10:15

If mum lives 5 minutes away then I change my mind.

If you've been together a year and are serious about moving forward then you and your partner need to talk about how the relationship works with his co-parenting relationship.

The starting point might be that now you're being introduced to the child, there's no overnight stays. Crucially he has to own the changes and not paint you in a bad light. It's something him and his ex can agree and then it doesn't come up. If child asks then it's not something that works for Mummy and Daddy.

You're also going to need to come to peace with the fact that this is a very amicable co-parenting relationship. Some new partners don't like closer co-parenting relationships and prefer a more "only talk about the children, EOW vista" set up. Personally I'd take a mature, established positive co-parent relationship over some of the rubbish you read on here, but some new partners prefer detachment.

Original poster
BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 10:17

@curtaintwitcher23 there may not be dishonesty involved but this is my gut feeling. This hasn’t proven to be 100% accurate though. I think he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to keep everyone happy

OP posts:
Jenx24 · 03/08/2023 10:32

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2023 10:15

If mum lives 5 minutes away then I change my mind.

If you've been together a year and are serious about moving forward then you and your partner need to talk about how the relationship works with his co-parenting relationship.

The starting point might be that now you're being introduced to the child, there's no overnight stays. Crucially he has to own the changes and not paint you in a bad light. It's something him and his ex can agree and then it doesn't come up. If child asks then it's not something that works for Mummy and Daddy.

You're also going to need to come to peace with the fact that this is a very amicable co-parenting relationship. Some new partners don't like closer co-parenting relationships and prefer a more "only talk about the children, EOW vista" set up. Personally I'd take a mature, established positive co-parent relationship over some of the rubbish you read on here, but some new partners prefer detachment.

I'm all for a healthy co-parenting relationship, but what would they need to talk about other than 'only the children'? Just out of curiosity that's all.

curtaintwitcher23 · 03/08/2023 10:59

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 10:17

@curtaintwitcher23 there may not be dishonesty involved but this is my gut feeling. This hasn’t proven to be 100% accurate though. I think he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to keep everyone happy

Yes that's the crux of it really, it's actually a lovely and important (and quite rare) thing that he is so thoughtful about his daughter and putting her first as he should, the issue really is where and if you can fit into that.
I'd say having Mum to stay is perpetuating a fantasy to the child that they are still a family unit and the fact the child asked for that to happen suggests it's a fantasy she wants to be true.
I suppose all I'm saying from hard earned experience is that really this is just an indication of what lies ahead for you in this relationship and if you were my sister or friend I'd be advising you ask some really hard questions about what you want from your future and if this relationship and situation I'd going to be able to give you that.
It's right you weren't part of the celebration this time but once you do have a relationship with the child and have made sacrifices to accommodate her into your life being excluded (and you will be) really hurts.
Trust your instincts and get your feelings aired immediately, don't opt for an easy life and enable it to your own detriment.
X

Original poster
BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 11:44

@LolaSmiles how would this be managed when each parent will take any opportunity to spend time with the child. Essentially I don’t think they would sacrifice that and I fear me being a reason for that to happen would just paint me as the bad guy.

is it unreasonable to expect this type of separation? Or do kids do better when they have this closeness of their divorced parents?

Sorry, I feel so mixed up about what is reasonable. I feel hurt but also understand they want as much time as possible and to keep the child happy

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 03/08/2023 12:02

@BlueAgatha
I don't think it's a case of them being right/wrong or you being right/wrong. Each family will find their own way to function in the event of a split. My experience from the outside is that children seem to do best when their parents have a positive co-parent relationship, can go places together and get on with each other, speak well of each other to the children, do their fair share of however they split parenting etc.

Where there's too much closeness, no boundaries, they're playing happy families from different homes, or where there's a lot of conflict/coldness (from either parent) then it's hard on the children.

If both parents are taking a no-boundaries approach and are always coming in and out then they'll quickly find they need to start finding some lines as new partners come on the scene. It's reasonable, especially as and when new partners move in, to not have the ex over for dinner every week because they want to see the child for example.

I'm all for a healthy co-parenting relationship, but what would they need to talk about other than 'only the children'?Just out of curiosity that's all.
I know a few couples who had amicable splits because they realised they were more like housemates and friends than romantic partners. They're in the same friendship circle and have remained friends. Other people have retained positive relationships with their ex's family because after a long relationship they had developed friendships with their in laws that didn't end just because the relationship did.

MeridianB · 03/08/2023 12:06

I think he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to keep everyone happy

Except you! From your posts I see a man who trying to keep himself and his ex and possibly his child happy, but not you.

If he wants to move on and have a grown-up relationship with you or anyone else, then he needs to be able to have grown-up conversations. If he flinches from such a simple thing then you really shouldn't waste your time.

Ihearyasista · 03/08/2023 13:27

This isn’t about a child’s birthday celebration, this is about boundaries within your relationship. This would be a deal breaker for me, they are no longer a family unit yet behave like one when it suits.

Your feelings aside, this is massively confusing for the children.

Moredrama · 03/08/2023 17:58

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 09:42

@Moredrama I have only recently met the child so I wouldn’t be invited to any celebrations

They both want to see the child as much as possible so will do all they can to make that happen

OP, do you really think mum will be taking the same approach when she is with someone else? That her boyfriend won’t mind her staying at her exes and spending countless days out together? You’re not a bad person for wanting boundaries, and when they decided to split up they knew that it would impact on their DC and things would have to change.

You need to speak to your DP and tell him you’re not happy for his ex to stay over ever again, and that if he crosses this boundary for any reason (regardless of what DC says they want) then the relationship will be over. Remind him that your feelings also count not just his DC and ex.
As I said, things naturally changed with my co-parenting relationship when new (long term) partners came on the scene, but we still had a good relationship and co-parented well. The set up they have currently only works for single people, so unless your DP wants to be single then he needs to adjust to his new life.

They have shared contact, just because mum wants to see more of her child doesn’t mean that she gets to intrude on her exes (and his new partners) time.
The child will absolutely see you as a barrier to their parents getting back together and make it hard for you to have a relationship with not only your DP but the child (trust me, this happens even without this close co-parenting set up), and you need to highlight this to your DP if he wants the two of you to have a future together

Ihearyasista · 03/08/2023 18:39

Also, why are they allowing a child to dictate how it’s going to work and that parents will be staying over, etc….setting themselves up for a host of issues.

Original poster
BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 19:05

@Moredrama we don’t live together so how would I truly know what does or doesn’t happen?

OP posts:
Moredrama · 03/08/2023 20:20

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 19:05

@Moredrama we don’t live together so how would I truly know what does or doesn’t happen?

Do you not speak to him on the phone when you’re not there? If not then start doing it. Also, trust me, when you’re around his DC they will mention if it happens.

Ultimately though, you can’t monitor him that closely and you need to be able to trust him. It’s up to him whether he cares enough to respect your boundaries and not break your trust. The truth always comes out, so if he does it you will find out

babybopella · 04/08/2023 07:00

That’s ridiculous. You don’t have ex’s stay over when you’re in a relationship. So disrespectful. I don’t think the day out is particularly ok either but each to their own.
id be ending the relationship over this. If he can be so chill about having his ex stay the night what else does he think is ok? No it doesn’t sit right with me.

Ihearyasista · 04/08/2023 10:30

@babybopella
I agree…I bet he wouldn’t be so chill with your ex staying over and they can’t use the excuse that it’s ‘for the child’, it has no benefit to said child. None.

Emmamoo89 · 04/08/2023 10:37

I wouldn't be happy with it x

Qwertyyui · 04/08/2023 10:39

My daughter is 14. I'm best friends with her dad. We split when she was small. He sleeps over Xmas eve. We have family days out. I have been re-married and any man in my life knew my Ex was my family. I can assure you it didn't confuse her. If he sleeps over its in a different bed. We love each other but platonic love and she even said to me the other day if we ever got back together she would be raging. As long as they have thier boundaries you need to trust them. We would never reignite our relationship but we look after each other and that's great for my DD to see people can function well after breaking up. (Minus abusive relationships)

Mari9999 · 04/08/2023 10:57

@BlueAgatha
Your partner did not cross his boundaries.. The boundary is yours. If your boundary is that you will not be in a relationship with a partner who permits an ex to sleep over at his place then it is up to you to do what works for you. He has not acted against his standard.

Could you ever be overnight in the same place as an ex of yours without something romantic or sexual happening? Is he less trustworthy than you?

When you put that boundary in place, what was your intended follow through? If it was that you could not be with such a person, you have your answer. You know what your boundary compels you to do.

blackbeardsballsack · 04/08/2023 19:26

Ihearyasista · 03/08/2023 13:27

This isn’t about a child’s birthday celebration, this is about boundaries within your relationship. This would be a deal breaker for me, they are no longer a family unit yet behave like one when it suits.

Your feelings aside, this is massively confusing for the children.

Absolutely this. I would not be continuing the relationship.

Rental101 · 14/08/2023 20:34

Will you end this op , as this will not make you happy . I can absolutely guarantee it .

ChristmasCrumpet · 14/08/2023 20:38

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 07:31

Thanks for the replies. I don’t know how to manage this without causing trouble or seeming petty about a child’s birthday celebration - what do I do?

Yes, indeed the only way you can see your own child on their birthday is to sleep unannounced at your ex's house.

It was pre arranged. She just happened to have clean clothes for the following day then? That was lucky.

And he'll spin it at "look at you, not wanting a poor little child to enjoy their birthday" if you call him out.

It actually makes my blood run cold. That's how my abusive relationship started.

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