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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ex staying over

45 replies

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 06:55

Partner’s ex wife arrived with gifts for their child’s birthday (his contact time) and ended up staying the night at the child’s request. Day out together arranged for the following day. Partner says he was unhappy about it but couldn’t say no.

They are amicable which is great but he seems to minimise how friendly they are. I feel the no choice part is not true, just said to make the situation easier to explain.

Part of me feels this is a nice thing to do - both parents are there for the birthday morning and it makes the child happy. Another part feels very uncomfortable and I’m unsure how/if to articulate it without being unreasonable.

What should I do?

OP posts:

curtaintwitcher23 · 03/08/2023 07:05

Do you live with your partner?
How long have they been split?

I suppose it is a nice thing they have a relationship for their child but I wouldn't be having anything to do with a man still involved like that, you will always be the third wheel.

You deserve better

Bigolbuttt · 03/08/2023 07:06

How long have they been split?

personally I wouldn’t accept it in my relationship. The day put together is ok but not the sleeping over. It’s to friendly and familiar.

Original poster

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 07:15

Split for 5 years

OP posts:

SuperCam · 03/08/2023 07:15

If you and your DP live together I would find that a massive breach of boundaries.

if it’s his house and you don’t live together then up to him really but still confusing for the child and sets a precedent. Better to say, no this is Dad’s house and Mum doesn’t stay over as she has her own house. I’d also suggest that if they are to do family things with DC together those should be planned and not spontaneous- again gives DC an idea that mum and dad like being together really and can be persuaded into joint time by the DC’s efforts.

Original poster

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 07:19

We don’t live together and I feel I was only told as I explicitly asked. I don’t think this would have been offered freely otherwise. This is why I feel it has been posed as an ‘under duress’ situation when it may have been prearranged

OP posts:

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 03/08/2023 07:23

Yep, too messy. Wouldn't be for me. Just because he has a child you are allowed to have your own boundaries. If he wants to continue to do things like this then he shouldn't be dragging a partner into it. Please think more of yourself OP.

SuperCam · 03/08/2023 07:30

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 07:19

I’d be distancing yourself then OP. If you think you’re being spun a yarn then you’re already distrustful of your DP.

You’ll never be able to alter the history of a couple who’ve had DC together, and they can’t untangle their lives from one another completely. If they are actively choosing more contact and time together you’ll just end up as a third wheel who can’t break into the shared parent bond and history.

I think the only exception to those cases are where both partners have emphatically moved on into new long term relationships and all the adults genuinely get along with each other.

yogasaurus · 03/08/2023 07:30

I’m sure people will be along to say it’s lovely for the child and that’s what matters, but this would be a hard no for me. Sometimes everyone just needs to admit they’ve split and stop muddying the waters.

Original poster

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 07:31

Thanks for the replies. I don’t know how to manage this without causing trouble or seeming petty about a child’s birthday celebration - what do I do?

OP posts:

Lkahsvtv · 03/08/2023 07:33

It wouldn’t be a situation I would like; I would expect transparency at the very least. If that’s how they’ve always done things then I think from an early point I’d be out really. That’s said with the benefit of 10 years experience being a step parent and feeling that boundaries are the most important aspect

AnotherCountryMummy · 03/08/2023 07:34

Absolutely no need for her to stay (unless she lives 100s of miles away and it was pre arranged).

I wouldn't like it. You are allowed boundaries. Google Jamie Scrimgeour - she's an expert in this kind of stuff.

SuperCam · 03/08/2023 07:35

You don’t need to make it about the birthday party.

You can ask your partner how he feels about his ex and what his ideal is in terms of co-parenting, and if you don’t like the answer you leave him.

If he tells you one thing to keep the peace and does another that makes you unhappy, you leave him.

Or you talk to him, you believe him when he says that he doesn’t want to get back with his ex or confuse their dc about the relationship, you agree some boundaries where staying over and days out are managed in a.way that’s acceptable to you both, he sticks to those boundaries and enforced them with his ex, and all is good.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 03/08/2023 07:36

You won't be able to mention it without causing trouble. Why are you afraid to stick up for yourself? Tell him it isn't on and now he is in a relationship with you it needs to stop. It's disrespectful. If he acts like a dick then it means his relationship with his ex is more important to him. Then you decide whether you can deal with being someone's second best or tell him to fuck off. If you stay, you will have to put up and shut up. Please do not choose to be with a man who is showing you hes not relationship material. Have some self respect.

Laurdo · 03/08/2023 07:36

I wouldn't be happy with this.

If it's his house it's really up to him who he has sleeping over however it's up to you whether you're comfortable with that or not. The fact that he didn't share the information freely means he knows you wouldn't be comfortable with it. So essentially he's picked his ex's comfort over yours. I can guarantee if you continue with this relationship that he will frequently pick his ex over you. He'll cancel plans with you if the ex has plans and needs the child watched and he'll frame it as putting his child first. Like someone else said, you'll always be the 3rd wheel.

While it's great and admirable when 2 people can remain friendly for the sake of the children, it's still ok to have some boundaries. If he's not in a place to prioritise a partner as well as his child and be respectful to that partner then really, he should stay single.

BarrelOfOtters · 03/08/2023 07:40

Probably a lone voice in thinking it’s fine. Kids birthday, if you trust him, why not?

Laurdo · 03/08/2023 07:41

yogasaurus · 03/08/2023 07:30

Totally agree. I don't think it's healthy for the child at all. It's good for them to see their parents getting on but sleepovers and days out will just confuse them. "Are mum and dad together or are they not?" "Maybe they're going to get back together". Lots of children fantasize about their parents getting back together after a split. Situations like this definitely won't help.

Marblessolveeverything · 03/08/2023 07:53

We have this arrangement for Xmas. This has been an arrangement for the past 7 years.
My partner doesn't have an issue, because it was communicated clearly at the start. It doesn't confuse the child as it is one night once a year and we clearly communicate.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2023 08:00

Over a child's birthday weekend, I'd probably be ok with it if they have an amicable co-parenting relationship and have been split up a while as they have.

I'd be unhappy about it if the split was recent though.

They've been split for 5 years. How long have you been together? That would make a difference on how I would move forward with it.

MeridianB · 03/08/2023 08:03

I don't think you're being petty and I don't think it's fair that anyone makes you feel that way.

Does ex live far from him? Are the children tiny?

If not, then there's no reason for her to stay. I know couples who both took DCs out on special days after split but only when they were very small and for a short time, or much older, like uni graduation. I agree with PPs that it's confusing for the children.

The fact that he didn't share this freely would make me wonder why. And how frequently it has happened before.

I'd very calmly raise ask those questions - why she stayed, where she slept and how often this has been happening. His reaction will give you the real answers.

If they want to get back together I'm sure you wouldn't stand in their way. But why lie to you? That's unnecessary. Good luck.

Original poster

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 08:08

The child is 8, we have been together a year, she lives 5 minutes away, she slept in the child’s bed

OP posts:

Moredrama · 03/08/2023 09:02

OP I say this in the kindest possible way, as someone who regularly spent time on days out with my ex and DC, your DP absolutely had a choice and has chosen to take you for a fool by having his ex stay over and lie that it was under duress and not pre-planned.
-The mum lives close by so why was she going the night before to drop off a gift rather than the morning they were going out?
-They have been separated 5 years so why would the child want or expect mummy to stay and put pressure on your DP when (if) the ex has never stayed before?
-You’ve been together for a year, so why were you not invited along for the birthday activity?
-They can still do nice things for their DC birthday without him disrespecting you.

Ask him how he would feel if you had an ex stay over, because that’s what this boils down to, it’s nothing to do with the child. If they were that bothered about what the child wanted they would have stayed together.

As I previously mentioned, I spent a lot of time with my ex going on days out, etc for our DC. But this eased off when we met other people because you can’t expect someone you’re in a relationship to sit on the sidelines like that. Ex and I got on very well, and still do, whilst respecting new partners

MeridianB · 03/08/2023 09:13

The mum lives close by so why was she going the night before to drop off a gift rather than the morning they were going out?

Yes, this plus shifty behaviour from BF - it's all very odd.

Bigolbuttt · 03/08/2023 09:36

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 07:31

Thanks for the replies. I don’t know how to manage this without causing trouble or seeming petty about a child’s birthday celebration - what do I do?

Leave him.

Original poster

BlueAgatha · 03/08/2023 09:42

@Moredrama I have only recently met the child so I wouldn’t be invited to any celebrations

They both want to see the child as much as possible so will do all they can to make that happen

OP posts:

curtaintwitcher23 · 03/08/2023 10:03

I'd say from this that it's also likely the child will view you as a barrier/ threat to her parents relationship and as well as your partner's dishonesty that is potentially a huge issue.

The only way you can successfully navigate step parenting is by being absolutely respected and on the same page as your partner (the parent) with really healthy and open communication, consideration for all parties feelings / experiences and clear boundaries.
Even then it's a constant source of stress really to various degrees.

I'd say you need a very honest conversation with your partner and and serious reassurance he understands that you and your feelings matter too but realistically I'd be thinking seriously if I were you if this is something you want to get deeper tangled in or if it's better ( though no doubt temporarily painful) to walk away now before you become more involved with this family and that option becomes more complicated.

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