My boyfriends ex

[jennifer96]

Hello everyone, I would just like an outsiders opinion on wether I am going crazy or this is normal. My current boyfriend of 2.5 years has 2 children. I adore them. We have them twice in the week and one day on the weekend and sometimes more if their mother needs a hand, however we both work full time and she does not. She cannot fathom how we are unable to drop work at the click of a fingers for her if she has a nail appointment or something along those lines. Now if we do no not do as she says sometimes it's a simple no reply other times all hell breaks loose and we are the worst people to walk the planet. This really gets me down as I come from a broken home but my parents are the best of friends and always managed to put their differences aside for me which is why my heart breaks for those children as she weaponises them without even realising half the time I don't think. Any advice for how I stop letting this get to me so much?? It's not my battle but I can't help but feel sorry for them but I wouldn't want to stick my ore in as she would lose it!! Help.

Totally natural to feel this way. You are human and you care about your partner and the children.

But you have to accept this is the long term and it's not worth your mental health.

Try to leave it to your partner and just be ready when the little ones to give them your undivided attention when they are with you.

Good luck.

I mean this nicely - I'm not saying you shouldn't be involved. But by "we" do you mean she is expecting you personally to be there for her kids as well as their dad? Because she has absolutely no reason to expect anything from you.

100% with you and feel this daily (she’s much worse than the examples you’ve given about your partner’s ex though - not invalidating how utterly audacious and insensitive your partner’s ex must be, just providing clarity!) Am 7 years in and ex is still just as crazy and delusional, if not more, and I can’t even tell you how unbelievable the things we have to deal with are. Feel so, SO bad for my stepchild.

PLEASE ask yourself (and be completely honest with yourself) if it’s worth it for the rest of your life, because she’s probably going to get even worse when/if you and partner have kids, get married, or other big milestones in your relationship, and it can totally take a toll on your mental health or sense of sanity.

I wanted to leave many times but found that it was worth it as 1) I absolutely adore my husband, his kid, and our own kid, 2) honestly, I just could never leave my stepchild as he sees me as his “better” mum, and I know leaving would cause too much damage, and 3) husband and I learned to not let it completely control our lives and moods which was a game changer for our relationship and home-dynamic. We just get on with it now, always expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

Hope this helps in any way and good luck OP! It’s lovely to hear you get on so well with his kids <3

I agree all contact should be between your BF and his ex - if she has your number then block. If your BF is passing on comments from her, tell him to stop.

Hopefully keeping the irrational toxicity to a minimum will help. If the children are very little then you may want to consider how your BF plans to address these issues for the longer term.

I'm 3 years down the line and we still get hassle from his ex. She uses the kids as a weapon and doesn't care about hurting them.

We have strict boundaries in place that have gradually made things easier. Both parents need to give notice of any changes to days they would like and ultimately it's up to the other parent to approve or reject the request if it's their custody time being affected. If she goes off on one DH simply ignores it.

Does your DP reply to her abusive messages? If so he needs to just ignore them. He doesn't need to justify himself to her. She's kid free 3/7 days. She need to manage her appointments better.

If her messages are affecting to so badly I suggest that your DP deals with her himself and doesn't tell you about all the messages.

I've heard of people using parenting apps which cuts out the need to text and calls. Maybe that's something to look into.