Moan about phone calls!!

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

I really just need a good moan amongst others who get it!
DSD is 6.5. Never known her parents together, she left him when pregnant, only dating for 3 months etc etc.
DSD has been spending the night with DP and me since 18 months old so is well used to the arrangement.
Her mum constantly puts pressure on for facetimes, so therefore DSD is always asking to ring mum. Mum also messages asking for DSD to call. We regularly have to say no as it is so intrusive and time consuming. But even so, it is just so much! We sat in sodding Chessington for 40 mins whilst she rang her mum this week. Today DP needed to make a call urgently and couldn't as DSD on the phone for over an hour!
The calls are often an hour or so. Worse, DSD now uses them as a way to manipulate by demanding them at bedtime, or times when she doesn't want to do what she has been told to etc. Doesn't want to go to the park? Cries saying she misses mum and wants to ring her... same when she is asked to do her reading book, or eat a meal that maybe she doesn't fancy on that occasion.
Obviously DSD's mum is no help as she is encouraging this. So all that is left is us to be the bad guys and deal with the fall out.
Not once has mum ended the call. It is always DP who has to tell DSD right you need to end the call now. They go on for SO long. She watches dsd playing, phone gets handed round to all the to chat etc.
In reverse, DP rarely facetimes as he doesn't want to intrude on her mums time and dsd is always distracted by what is going on at home at the time.
I'm just frustrated! God help when she is old enough for her own phone! It will have to be put away when here or we will literally never see her!

Your DP needs to put in boundaries - length and timing with Mum.
DSD is only reacting to the situation that both her parents are creating.

Why doesn't her dad parent?

Every child comes up with something they want or need at bedtime. My dd used to start telling me about her school day and my dgd will suddenly be hungry.

He does parent, that's half the problem! He says no and has to deal with the fall out!
He also gives times, Mum doesn't stick to, ans he has to ask over and over for the call to end. She has dragged out goodbyes for 20 minutes before now.
It's really bloody difficult for him! He wants to try and co-parent so has to tread fine lines.

OP I feel for you, but also feel slightly better knowing that I’m not the only one who has been in this situation! It was exactly the same for me as you describe.

There were lots of issues in the early days but in the end I put my foot down and pointed out that if I wanted her mum in my home I’d invite her for a cuppa, which I don’t do. DH didn’t like it any more than I did, he just went along with it for a quiet life from the ex, but he knew I was right.
He began to limit the time she had devices to FaceTime, and also insisted that they were done in her room and that if she wandered around with the device it would be taken off her once the call was finished so she wouldn’t get to play on it (he would also nudge her to end the call if necessary).

Speak to your DP, explain how intrusive you find it and remind him the his DD is there to see him so shouldn’t be spending the majority of her time on calls to her mum.
Ask him to limit her opportunities for calls. For example, she can ring mum on the way home from school, or for 10 minutes before tea time, then once again before bed. But have a cut off of an hour before bedtime so there’s no issues of missing mum and not settling, and sell it to her as “you’ve got 10/20 minutes to talk to mum then you need to come off so we can play a game/do colouring/watch your favourite programme/etc, before bed, otherwise you won’t have time”
Boundaries need to be put in place and mum isn’t going to want to do that because she enjoys imposing on your time and feeling wanted by the DD, so you need to put the boundaries in place with DD and if mum says anything your DP just needs to remind her it’s his time.
Also if DD keeps mithering for his phone, he simply says “before tea/before bed/my phone needs charging/I need to use it at the moment”

And yes it is harder when they have their own device, but he’s the parent and has every right to limit how much time she has it for whilst she’s with him, so he just needs to stick to the above (though she will from time to time “accidentally” (on purpose) phone mum when she’s not supposed to, but again, it just gets taken off her for an hour or so afterwards)

Sorry our posts crossed over.
It’s good that he’s already trying to put boundaries in place.
Try to persist with the above, it will work eventually. Also, if she’s dragging out goodbyes just lure her off the phone, whether it be with a treat or saying you need to pop out - no reason he can’t intervene if it’s still drawn out and say “sorry ex, she needs to go, she’ll call you later/tomorrow” and hang up.

This sounds familiar!! But only ever at beginning of a stay, because they would have had it drummed into them before they left that they must ring mum. For us though it's because mum "misses them so much" and is "sad when they are not there"! When it comes to the other way round however we get "the baby is crying", "mum is better at distracting me" and "mums phone doesn't work" as excuses as to why we never speak when they are not here.

It's manipulative, intrusive and controlling. It's used also to have a constant update on exactly what we have planned, days out ect. Would never know what goes on the other side and would be called harassment if we asked....

Not sure what you can do about it though. It's tough always made to be the bad guy.

I would make a set time for the call. Get her a device she can call on that uses home wifi, once she has been on for long enough you can cut the wifi and blame the dodgy internet. When you are out you just have to say no.

Just hear to say that I feel your pain…we have all being told by a child psychologist it’s not beneficial and can actually cause DSD distress. It doesn’t stop mum though 🙄

My own child can be like this, not really encourage she’s just a very chatty soul,pp and her dad is too soft to say anything about the fact he’s bored out of his skull watching her play with random toys. As a result, I have on numerous occasions taken back my phone e.g “time for dinner now, say goodbye!”. No drama or fuss.

Not sure how well that approach would work in your situation as your step daughters mother is actively encouraging the behaviour but worth a shout.

Same situation here too. "Mummy misses/loves me too much" "Mummy is lonely when I'm not there". It's exhausting and really damaging to DSD. She lives with us 50/50 and often wakes up screaming in the night because she's had another nightmare about her Mum dying.

I gently say, "Mummy's a grownup, she misses you but don't worry, Mummy knows you're here to see your Dad and is happy for you to come and have a nice time where you are loved too"

With phonecalls, she can do them in her room, but we spend so much time entertaining her and will leave the room if she decides to call her Mum.

It's an uphill battle really, the Mum has really laid it on thick with all of the loving too much and missing her too much. DSD is six and still cries for her often, it's really tiring for all of us, most of all DSD. DP has had to have conversations with Mum about it, explaining the hurt that DSD is experiencing but I feel like she can't help it. She's always been like it, worse so before she got a boyfriend, but then when she had another baby it got worse again.

I really feel for you.

That's so frustrating.

It is the kind of thing you can clarify in a custody arrangement though. You could specify regularity and length of calls and that makes mum somewhat accountable.

She's undermining your daughter's relationship with her father by intruding on her time like this.

I feel sorry for DSD. Her behaviour is completely age appropriate, it's the mother that needs to be a better co-parent.

In a sensible world, your DP and his ex would have a sit down chat about how this isn't healthy for their child and they don't want their Dad to grow up into a tantruming, manipulative madam, but that's probably not going to happen, so you'll need to manage it from your end.

So set rules, such as no calls on days out (spending 40 mins on a call whilst at a theme park seems ridiculous, unless you were in a queue for a ride?)

And your DP needs to teach his daughter that no means no. This is a REALLY important lesson. If she wants to make a call and he says no, he shouldn't change his mind after 15 mins of her moaning about it. He's said no, so that's the end of it.

Does your DSD have a set time allowance per day for screen time?

Say she's allowed 1hr of screen time, then FaceTiming her mum is part of that, so if she spends 40mins staring at a screen on a call, she then only has 20mins where she can watch TV.

A set time every day where she can phone her mum - in one room. No roaming around the house

I am sorry but your DP could have made his call. He just tells her he needs his phone now to make one and that is that.

For other calls set a one a day and a time limit and set a timer. She is 6 not 16.

Set a time of 5 mins. Once it’s up. End the call. If she doesn’t like it then tough.

Hmm I remember this well. Interestingly once she had her own phone there were less calls as by that age she didn’t just follow everything that mum said and was bored on the phone to her.
Maybe his phone magically develops a problem with FaceTime? We did this and then DD could only FaceTime through an iPad and sometimes it wasn’t charged and it didn’t work outside of the house. It broke the habit which was part of the problem.
Other times if it was used as a distraction from bed time or dinner then it was just a response of yes of course but after dinner or in the morning.

If you don’t have a different device then maybe the phone is developing a problem stopping it doing FaceTime outside the house?

We have a standing arrangement of a phone call (usually 5/10 mins) every night to the parent they are not with. It keeps parents in the loop and has never been an issue.

The trick was to set it as a regular part of routines that were kept at both homes. So it could be a pre dinner - go give mum/dad a quick call - don't forget to tell them you saw xyz etc. We found it made co-parenting easier, helped the children feel they had one life/two homes. So far so good - teen years now and its a barely 1minute grunt fest or a text !