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Step-parenting

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Original poster

At a loss

29 replies

StressedMonday · 31/07/2023 13:09

I think I just need to get this out of my head as it’s affecting me at work today and there is nothing I can do about any of it.

SD is 17 in a few weeks, she lives with us after years of issues at her mums(all ignored, traumatic childhood and desperately needed help but mum wouldn’t do it as scared of SS involvement).
Coming to us was a fresh start and she’s just gone backwards, it’s impossible for me to ‘parent’ her in any way as she is so abusive so I’m just the background figure. Her parents are both frightened of her, even more so since she has a history of suicide attempts when she doesn’t get what she wants. She has likely failed all her GCSEs through lack of effort, anything she doesn’t want to do is blamed on her mental health, but she refuses to engage with any actual help through CAMHS and GP and is now discharged as she says to them that her mental health is fine(until there is something she doesn’t want to do or she can make a TikTok about it). Can’t hold down a part time job, refusing college. She’s an aggressive bully with the other children in the family, can’t even walk past people without punching them, but then plays the victim. She lies, steals anything that’s no nailed down, throws tantrums, cuts up all her clothes and this isn’t just as a teen, she’s been this way forever. It’s been a nightmare and i feel like I’m trying to mop up a spill that someone else created.

She’s now absolutely determined to get pregnant. Refuses to take her pill. Refuses all alternatives. She doesn’t look after herself at all; doesn’t wash/change her clothes/brush teeth etc as she wasn’t taught to do so from a young age, this has been an issue her whole life and she was 6 when I met her Dad. We’ve tried to teach her but it’s so ingrained. She at least does remember to change her underwear now she’s with us as she always has clean available. How is she going to care for a baby? She won’t take any help or direction from anyone so couldn’t even be taught to care for a baby, not by us anyway. She will need professional help when she inevitably gets pregnant. We are in no way going to be able to help her with this, we both work 60 hour weeks to just about financially survive and she wouldn’t even accept direction about how to make a cup of tea from any of her family, let alone something as important as this. This will be another child raised in neglect and it’s killing me. It’s just a self fulfilling prophecy.

What are the options out there for teenage girls like this?

OP posts:
namechangenacy · 31/07/2023 13:35

I have very limited advice but I hope my comment will bump this up the list so someone else can comment.

Firstly - you sound like a amazing sm.

Secondly she probably wants a baby for something to love her unconditionally. Maybe you could speak to her about working with children in the future.

I strongly suspect she needs to go to a councillor, I also think she may be testing your boundaries to see if you will act like the other adults in her life.

Could you get her a cat (something to love) ?

Theunamedcat · 31/07/2023 13:40

The child won't be raised in neglect the child will be removed they will want you to take over and sort it out make sure you are clear your not doing that

How is she finding partners if she is so dirty? (I'm not sure I want that question answered) I mean either she is dirty or clean enough to pass

Have you tried showing her you tube videos of screaming babies or watched one born every minute in her presence?

excelledyourself · 31/07/2023 13:49

Sounds awful, OP.

Does she assume she will just continue to live with you and her dad once pregnant, or does she think she'll get given a council property?

Has she said why she wants a baby and what she thinks she possibly has to offer one, given her lack of job, life skills, etc? Or she claiming it's a reason to turn her life around.

I'd assume/hope, that given her history, there would be some SW intervention if she got pregnant. Has she had that explained to her?

I'd be firmly pointing out that you won't be supporting a pregnancy financially or practically in her current circumstances.

Original poster
StressedMonday · 31/07/2023 13:58

Theunamedcat · 31/07/2023 13:40

The child won't be raised in neglect the child will be removed they will want you to take over and sort it out make sure you are clear your not doing that

How is she finding partners if she is so dirty? (I'm not sure I want that question answered) I mean either she is dirty or clean enough to pass

Have you tried showing her you tube videos of screaming babies or watched one born every minute in her presence?

Her boyfriend has special needs and comes from a chaotic home himself so doubt he cares about the state of her. He’s a nice lad though but very naive.

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedMonday · 31/07/2023 14:01

excelledyourself · 31/07/2023 13:49

Sounds awful, OP.

Does she assume she will just continue to live with you and her dad once pregnant, or does she think she'll get given a council property?

Has she said why she wants a baby and what she thinks she possibly has to offer one, given her lack of job, life skills, etc? Or she claiming it's a reason to turn her life around.

I'd assume/hope, that given her history, there would be some SW intervention if she got pregnant. Has she had that explained to her?

I'd be firmly pointing out that you won't be supporting a pregnancy financially or practically in her current circumstances.

Any type of conversation about anything is met with screams of “who asked for your opinion?”. You cannot speak to her about anything

OP posts:
namechangenacy · 31/07/2023 15:29

Ahh if her partner has a disability- I imagine social services would be involved from the start.

Op does she listen to anyone ? Any family member she will listen too ?

Justcallmebebes · 31/07/2023 15:57

I'd make it very, very clear that if she gets herself pregnant, she has to find alternative accommodation and I'd mean it

Tapasgoofy · 31/07/2023 16:00

Justcallmebebes · 31/07/2023 15:57

I'd make it very, very clear that if she gets herself pregnant, she has to find alternative accommodation and I'd mean it

This.

And do it. Her hole behaviour is unacceptable.

Feverly · 31/07/2023 16:05

Your post is missing the crucial information- what is her parent striving to do to help his kid? How are the victims of her punches being safeguarded?

Original poster
StressedMonday · 31/07/2023 16:19

Feverly · 31/07/2023 16:05

Your post is missing the crucial information- what is her parent striving to do to help his kid? How are the victims of her punches being safeguarded?

There isn’t a lot he can do, she refuses all medical help with her mental health. CAMHS provided group sessions and phone calls that she refused so she lost her place in the queue. She refused to attend school. Refuses to take her contraception and refuses alternatives. He’s too scared to just kick her out in case she commits suicide. Funnily enough she doesn’t ever punch me or my kids because she knows I will 100% call the police and press charges.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 31/07/2023 17:13

So she doesn't punch you or your kids because she knows you will call the police? So she does understand actions and consequences but is allowed to terrorise the household?

She's taking you for a mug

Original poster
StressedMonday · 31/07/2023 17:17

Justcallmebebes · 31/07/2023 17:13

So she doesn't punch you or your kids because she knows you will call the police? So she does understand actions and consequences but is allowed to terrorise the household?

She's taking you for a mug

Pretty much. Like I said, her parents are scared of her, her mum and her dad. I just step back because I’m powerless to do anything to change it. This behaviour is from years of neglect, hidden sexual abuse, and a good dose of generational narcissistic personality. I’m just a bystander.

OP posts:
GiraffeDoor · 31/07/2023 17:37

She wants a baby in part because then she'll "be the adult", and no one will be able to tell her what to do. Of course we all realise it doesn't work like that.

Is she in a position to leave home without a baby bumping her up the council list? I'd be making it really clear to her that if she has a baby, she will have no end of adults involved (messing) with her life. If she keeps her head down, finishes college and then moves out by herself, she'll be really very free.

It sounds like a heartbreaking lifestory tbh. But that doesn't make it any easier to cope with on a day-to-day basis. Has there ever been any suggestion of neurodiversity? The refusal to wash is standing out, but of course this could also be from past trauma. Poor girl. Poor you x

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/07/2023 17:50

It sounds like a horrific situation OP. You must be at your wit's end. She sounds like a very troubled young women. Suicide attempts and further threats must make life intolerable for you.

Does she have any diagnosis?

Original poster
StressedMonday · 01/08/2023 07:02

GiraffeDoor · 31/07/2023 17:37

She wants a baby in part because then she'll "be the adult", and no one will be able to tell her what to do. Of course we all realise it doesn't work like that.

Is she in a position to leave home without a baby bumping her up the council list? I'd be making it really clear to her that if she has a baby, she will have no end of adults involved (messing) with her life. If she keeps her head down, finishes college and then moves out by herself, she'll be really very free.

It sounds like a heartbreaking lifestory tbh. But that doesn't make it any easier to cope with on a day-to-day basis. Has there ever been any suggestion of neurodiversity? The refusal to wash is standing out, but of course this could also be from past trauma. Poor girl. Poor you x

Honestly the refusal to wash is neglect as a young child. They had no clean clothes growing up, she’d often wear the same underwear, night and day, for a week straight. There was often no toothpaste as one of the other kids would beg us to buy some for their mums. She’s just not been taught any self care. They were always crawling with nits, bullied at school for being smelly. Safeguarding took mums side every time of course. Obviously mum thinks she’s parent of the year. 🙄 We’ve only had SD here for 2 years, but it’s too little too late. I bought new toothbrushes a fortnight ago and hers is still in the packet.

CAMHS did suggest an emerging personality disorder and ADHD but she won’t engage with assessment so now she’s off their books. Apparently she’s fine, but too mentally ill for normal life at the same time.

Today she is posting videos on TikTok that we are the worst parents ever and we are ruining her life, all because we said if she’s old enough for sex then she’s old enough to discuss contraception. I took the day off work and took her first time, she took the pills for 4 days and decided they gave her a belly ache, and has just carried on having sex anyway.

There is literally no way forward with her mindset. She had a college place but didn’t attend any open days so now they’ve put her on a waiting list. She had a job and lasted 5 days, they sacked her due to her attitude problem.

Im just going to have to completely withdraw and wait it out until the inevitable plays out and she can leave as any discussion or help is met with screaming in our faces and abuse, and vile TikTok videos.l about us.

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 01/08/2023 08:28

Sorry your going through this, but at that age she would be out the door, I would not be putting up with that day in and day out from a 17 year old, she wants to be an adult well it's starts with moving out so away u go, sorry but you and your kids should not have to live like that x

RandomMess · 01/08/2023 08:41

Have you any relationship with her boyfriends parents/guardians?

Presumably if you could you would be informing them that she is refusing to use any contraception and wants to get pregnant?

I would just make it clear to her that if she doesn't look after herself better than she does currently SS will remove any baby she has from birth just as a statement of fact.

Not sure how you get your DH to step up through his fear and have some basic boundaries with her.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 01/08/2023 08:59

SD is 17 in a few weeks, she lives with us after years of issues at her mums(all ignored, traumatic childhood and desperately needed help but mum wouldn’t do it as scared of SS involvement)

This behaviour is from years of neglect, hidden sexual abuse, and a good dose of generational narcissistic personality. I’m just a bystander

We’ve only had SD here for 2 years, but it’s too little too late

Your dsd has been catastrophically let down by the adults in her life. Primarily her parents - both of them. And you have a responsibility too, no one gets to be a "bystander" when aware of such abuse and neglect.

I'm not denying that her behaviour isn't frightening and destructive to herself and others but you will not be able to help without starting from the root causes.

If you have dc in the home I would refer to children's services safeguarding. They need to be aware of the needs of the dc in your home - dsd as well as your dc.

You can't force dsd to engage with mental health services but her df can engage so that he is better equipped to support his dd. Look for mental health support lines, charities like Young Minds and Papyrus.

Do involve the police when violence occurs in the home. It builds a picture of the extent of risk to all in the home.

namechangenacy · 01/08/2023 09:35

RegainingTheWill2023 · 01/08/2023 08:59

SD is 17 in a few weeks, she lives with us after years of issues at her mums(all ignored, traumatic childhood and desperately needed help but mum wouldn’t do it as scared of SS involvement)

This behaviour is from years of neglect, hidden sexual abuse, and a good dose of generational narcissistic personality. I’m just a bystander

We’ve only had SD here for 2 years, but it’s too little too late

Your dsd has been catastrophically let down by the adults in her life. Primarily her parents - both of them. And you have a responsibility too, no one gets to be a "bystander" when aware of such abuse and neglect.

I'm not denying that her behaviour isn't frightening and destructive to herself and others but you will not be able to help without starting from the root causes.

If you have dc in the home I would refer to children's services safeguarding. They need to be aware of the needs of the dc in your home - dsd as well as your dc.

You can't force dsd to engage with mental health services but her df can engage so that he is better equipped to support his dd. Look for mental health support lines, charities like Young Minds and Papyrus.

Do involve the police when violence occurs in the home. It builds a picture of the extent of risk to all in the home.

Hold on this isn't fair.

I imagine that the reason why ss got involved was because of op and DH.

The problem is that ss focus on keeping children with the mother sometimes at the detriment of the children because the bar for removal is far far to high and when children are removed and placed in another house as in ops dsd - the damage is done.

The parents failed dsd but really social services have failed the most here. Probably because the kids weren't being beaten they were wayyyyy down the priority list and frankly they had to much workload on their hands.

Op is a sm which does limit her ability to actively parent as she has no parental responsibility. But It sounds very much like she gives a shit. Which is more than can be said of the actual parents.

The bar is not higher for her than the people who chose to create the kids.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 01/08/2023 10:33

namechangenacy · 01/08/2023 09:35

Hold on this isn't fair.

I imagine that the reason why ss got involved was because of op and DH.

The problem is that ss focus on keeping children with the mother sometimes at the detriment of the children because the bar for removal is far far to high and when children are removed and placed in another house as in ops dsd - the damage is done.

The parents failed dsd but really social services have failed the most here. Probably because the kids weren't being beaten they were wayyyyy down the priority list and frankly they had to much workload on their hands.

Op is a sm which does limit her ability to actively parent as she has no parental responsibility. But It sounds very much like she gives a shit. Which is more than can be said of the actual parents.

The bar is not higher for her than the people who chose to create the kids.

Show quote history

The OP states that "ss" were not involved because dm was 'scared' of their involvement:
desperately needed help but mum wouldn’t do it as scared of SS involvement

Why did the child's df not step up at this point and fight for children's services support and fight for residency for his neglected dd?

OP mentions 'safeguarding' siding with dm which is very vague and doesn't reflect any of my experience with safeguarding teams in children's services I know. Perhaps OP means safeguarding team at school?

Please tell me exactly what is inaccurate in what I wrote? And show where I state the bar is higher for her as a step parent? I don't! I very clearly say the parents have primary responsibility for the neglect of this child. OP describes herself as a bystander and I challenged that passive response.

That child should not have been left in the care if the dm and if OP comes back and now tells us of the multiple court cases and attempts to get the child resident with them instead of the dm, I will find that hard to believe.

You are blaming social care without any evidence that they were even referred to. Or if they were, made fully aware of what was happening.

That's why they need to be involved now.

Original poster
StressedMonday · 01/08/2023 10:43

RegainingTheWill2023 · 01/08/2023 10:33

The OP states that "ss" were not involved because dm was 'scared' of their involvement:
desperately needed help but mum wouldn’t do it as scared of SS involvement

Why did the child's df not step up at this point and fight for children's services support and fight for residency for his neglected dd?

OP mentions 'safeguarding' siding with dm which is very vague and doesn't reflect any of my experience with safeguarding teams in children's services I know. Perhaps OP means safeguarding team at school?

Please tell me exactly what is inaccurate in what I wrote? And show where I state the bar is higher for her as a step parent? I don't! I very clearly say the parents have primary responsibility for the neglect of this child. OP describes herself as a bystander and I challenged that passive response.

That child should not have been left in the care if the dm and if OP comes back and now tells us of the multiple court cases and attempts to get the child resident with them instead of the dm, I will find that hard to believe.

You are blaming social care without any evidence that they were even referred to. Or if they were, made fully aware of what was happening.

That's why they need to be involved now.

Show quote history

Been there, tried it all, didnt get anywhere. It went to court, the kids were left with mum as the judge said she ‘needed to build more of a bond with her children’. The family courts very often get it wrong.
It was reported to SS by us, other parents at the school, even her mums FRIENDS, and they never even paid a visit.
The children were told constantly that they wouldn’t be allowed to go to live with dad if they told anyone how bad it was at home, they’d be sent to a children’s home, to scare them in to silence.
I emailed SS and school safeguarding with photos of how bad the kids were and had responses back that it didn’t meet threshold.
We tried it all. And now here we are picking up the pieces.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/08/2023 10:51

My heart goes out to you. Sounds absolutely awful. Are her siblings still with mum or are they all with you now?

What does her dad think is going to happen long term?

RegainingTheWill2023 · 01/08/2023 10:58

What was the response by social care to your safeguarding concerns for your own dc?

namechangenacy · 01/08/2023 11:02

RegainingTheWill2023 · 01/08/2023 10:58

What was the response by social care to your safeguarding concerns for your own dc?

So no apology from you then.

Your previous post was nasty and given ops most recent update I think most people would apologise for getting it that so wrong.

Op I have seen the flip side of social services internally (thankfully I don't work on sw) I can quite imagine the situation your in.

Flopsythebunny · 01/08/2023 11:08

StressedMonday · 31/07/2023 17:17

Pretty much. Like I said, her parents are scared of her, her mum and her dad. I just step back because I’m powerless to do anything to change it. This behaviour is from years of neglect, hidden sexual abuse, and a good dose of generational narcissistic personality. I’m just a bystander.

Show quote history

What is her father doing to help her.? You do know that she is extremely damaged because of his and her mothers neglect and poor parenting?
Why didn't he step in sooner?