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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Need to dump and run

20 replies

Justonemoresmallgin · 29/07/2023 02:43

I have no outlet for this so I thought I will dump it here.

I am 45 mother to 4 DC 21, 19, 17 and 14 (twins) stepmother to 35 yo boys well men now but well...

I have been with my partner (we live together) for 3 years. I may use SD for ease no we are not married no I wasn't the other women.

I am not knew to parenting or step parenting I know when to bite my tongue and when to give advice after 23 years but my god this is testing me!

14 year old girl only child.
Honestly sweet caring polite good at school we get on great.But. BUT!
A baby. Cannot make her own lunch fetch her own drink or make a cup of tea talks in a baby voice whenever it suits. Makes up lies not bad ones just "so and so from school smashed up the school bus it was so funny cos I told him not to so he stopped"....

Her mum is very much you can't make sandwich or you will cut yourself.
Yes she really says that.
As a little child on holiday her mum made her get out of the pool every 20 minutes to shower as she read chlorine is bad....I kid you not family members confirm this.

She's nearly 15 and has never used a kettle.
Can't make a basic meal.

Yes my partner is aware and while he trys to "fix" some of it he indulges it also.
I try to be gentle and say things like "as parents it's our job to teach them independence". It falls on deaf ears he makes excuses tells me I am being mean.
My 16 yo girls left school in May have college in September and have found jobs (Not bragging but I am proud) my adorable but immature SD can't even make a cup of tea!

I just needed to get that off my chest!
Feel better thanks mn.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Justonemoresmallgin · 29/07/2023 02:50

Oops should proof read I have 5 DC. In my defence the eldest moved out years ago so he doesn't count 😁

OP posts:

Imogensmumma · 29/07/2023 02:52

If both parents don’t see the problem… and it is a problem as she will seriously struggle adjusting to adulthood when everything has been done for her, then not much you can do.

Personally after already being a step mum I will never live with a partner who has kids ever again. Being a step parent is a no win situation, you have very little influence over how the child is being parented but have to live with the consequences.

Can you live separately until all children have left home to save your sanity

StarryNightAddict · 29/07/2023 03:05

I can’t even make sense of this? Your 16 (17?) year olds are twins as well? Are the 14 year olds yours or your partners? You said mother to 14yo and SM to 35yos? Huh?

PassTheSnacks · 29/07/2023 03:13

This makes no sense. You say you are the mother of the first five kids you list and the step-mother of 35 year old boys but then talk about your 14 year old's mother being over-protective.... but yo have said you are her mother?!

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 29/07/2023 03:19

I can’t work out who the 14 year old belongs to. But assuming she is your step daughter and she struggles with self help skills and her parents won’t encourage her to be independent I wouldn’t do anything.
If she wants a sandwich she either makes it herself or waits for her dad to do it. Sometimes doing nothing encourages kids to try. If she is hungry she will work it out. You can’t control what her parents do, but by you doing nothing she might gain a little independence. My son was about to start school and wouldn’t wipe his own bum. It was my fault, him being the youngest I babied him. I tried for ages to get him to try, in the end he got sick of me taking too long to help him one day so he did it himself.

zooopta · 29/07/2023 03:30

You want a 14 year old who hasn't been taught how to use the kettle be independent enough to make a cup of tea?

Do you see what's wrong there?

Btw, it's also really rude and cunty to compare your daughters to your step daughter when you only get what you put in. And if your husband and his ex didn't teach her the things you've taught your daughter then how can you expect them to be able

zooopta · 29/07/2023 03:31

This reply has been deleted

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MintJulia · 29/07/2023 04:05

So teach her the basics......

At 14 I had never made a cup of tea either, not because I refused to but because my dm cooked for seven in a kitchen the size of a postage stamp and we weren't welcome in her kitchen ever. She had no interest in teaching us and so my only intro to cooking was school HE classes. They didn't cover tea.

I went to university at 18 with no idea how to feed myself. DM gave me a cook book and three saucepans. That was all the help I got. It wasn't easy. Why don't you teach your dsd to make basic tomato & olive pasta? Get her to cook it for her dad on father's day. Help her.

funinthesun19 · 29/07/2023 04:09

I’m really confused. Is the 14 year old your stepdaughter? You only mentioned 35 year old stepsons. Now you’ve mentioned a 14 year old who you said is an only child.
And you mentioned 14 year old twins - are they yours?

InWalksBarberalla · 29/07/2023 04:17

Is the 14 year old one of your 14 year old twins? What do the 35 year old stepsons have to do with anything? Are they also twins? Where did the 16 year old girls come from? Are they also twins?

Player001 · 29/07/2023 05:15

OP, can you please start over and explain all the children involved in dot points? Age and who they belong to.

JeandeServiette · 29/07/2023 05:23

I think the 14 year old twins are somehow also 16 year olds who have just left school.

And Op somehow forgot her eldest in her child count. despite listing his age.

That's all I've got.

Nauticalthemedloo · 29/07/2023 05:36

Sorry but i was so confused too about where this 14 year old lone daughter came in. You have 5 and presuming your partner has your step boys...well men.

Where did your 16 year old girls who are starting college appear from? Are they the 17 year old or the 14 year old twins now grown?

We need a map.

But anyway, why don't you help your step daughter, your an experienced mother, gently introduce her to some skills but don't mock her. It's not her fault she's not been shown.

Nauticalthemedloo · 29/07/2023 05:38

*you're

Laurdo · 29/07/2023 07:03

I don't know why folk are so caught up in the ages of who's children. It's clear the issue is with your 14yo SD so the other children are irrelevant. I assume you just mentioned them to point out that you have raised children to adulthood so parenting isn't new to you.

People will say if her parents haven't taught her then it's not your issue but I disagree. There was a girl in my group of friends when I was younger who wasn't allowed to boil the kettle or cook etc. She's now 37 and still living with her parents. She has a job but doesn't drive. If this girl isn't taught how to adult there a fair chance she'll still be living with you well into adulthood and you may even have to financially support her.

I think you need to have a serious chat with your DP. And while you can't control what happens in her mother's house you can control what happens in your house. Offer to help.

My 5yo DSDs mum can't cook so I've been getting her involved in cooking since she was 3. She loves grating cheese and carrots for me. She hasn't cut herself yet but I know there's a risk she might cut her fingers doing it but you know what, that's life. It's not going to kill her, she'll be over the cut quickly but those skills will stay with her for life.

Make it fun for her. Cook something yummy she likes or let her pick from a recipe book and cook together. Make an event of it like " Tonight SD is going to cook everyone Sunday dinner". Maybe when everyone praises her for the delicious food she'll be keen to do it again.

But if that's too much pressure start small. You don't need a sharp knife to make a sandwich and it would take some effort to cut yourself with a butter knife. If she's refusing due to laziness rather than inability that's another issue. In both cases I'd just refuse to make her lunch or fetch a drink and she'll need to do it herself.

MissyPea · 30/07/2023 04:41

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wtf? Take a look at yourself.

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 05:00

People are confused by the ages because op says she has 14 year old twins. Who then become 16. And is step mother to a grown man.

Theres no mention of a 14 year old step daughter. Until Op has a problem with her.

Op stop comparing your children to her. I think. Ring a step parent is really hard. But I can not understand people who love their kids in with a partner and other children before completely getting to know how the partner parents, wether they agree with it or getting to know the step daughter and really thinking about wether living with that child is something they will be able to do. One of the biggest issues in step families is compatibility in parenting.

Your children and how they are is irrelevant. Comparing children (siblings and/or step siblings) is never going to work out well. You can be proud of your kids without using that to compare to your step daughter.

You have voiced your concern to your dp and said she needs to learn these things. He seems to agree but not follow through. There’s not much else you can do. All you can do is try and change how it impacts you. It’s obviously winding you up. But you need to let it go. It’s not going to change.

But stop comparing her to your own kids.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/07/2023 07:58

I tho op Means she has 5 kids ranging from moved out to 14/16 twins

She was a sm previously but they are grown up and weee boys

New relationship partner has a 14 girl. Only child. Never been shown /pampered princess bless her

So help her @Justonemoresmallgin

Show her how to make a Sarnie. Beans on toast. A cuppa

Reugny · 30/07/2023 08:04

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Your message is fucking nasty.

I have had friends and acquaintances whose parents never let them do anything at home.

Their step-parents, aunts and uncles gave up on them due to their parents interference so when they wanted to learn something they learnt from a peer in the same age group where their parents had no influence.

First time it happened I was not "allowed" to make my own sandwich in a friend's house we normally all made our own sandwiches in because one person was learning so made them for all of us.

greenteaandmarshmallows · 31/07/2023 11:19

I am 45 mother to 4 DC 21, 19, 17 and 14 (twins) stepmother to 35 yo boys well men now but well...

What where are the twins are the 35 year old the twins?

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