Calling all stepparents! What's your story?

[2023MNU]

I'm a stepmum to a 7 year-old and have lived with them since they were 3. She's been obsessed with me since the first day we met, but I'm worried she might not be in future!

What's your relationships like with your stepchildren? Has it changed over the years? Basically just tell me your stories as I'm curious!

Do you get on with her mum?

That will influence a lot?

Don't try and be her mum or a second mum.

My story is to Dss under 10. Both nice children.
I've been in their life for many years now.
Their mum had an affair and moved another man in. I met their dad after this. But her relationship failed and she has realised that losing her exH was a huge mistake. The narrative now is that I am the OW and the step children get conflicted based on how she feels about herself and her life.

It's bloody tough. .

So I say again, it's so important to get on with their mum. Or that both parents have lives they are content with. Because if they don't it's hard for the step parent but worse it's hard on the children.

I've been with my DH now for just over 2.5 years. Things moved pretty quickly for us but we'd known each other 20 years before we started dating. We actually dated in 1st year in high school for like 3 weeks (super long-term when you're 12).

He has 3 kids and the custody split has always been 50/50. I met them when they were 3, 13 and 14. I'm super close with my now 5yo DSD. And possibly controversially, I am like a 2nd mum to her. But she needs that. Her mum isn't great, doesn't do much with her so I feel like I have to pick up her slack. My DH is a wonderful dad, very present and very hands on with the kids. The exact opposite of a Disney dad. He was always the one to lay boundaries and implement discipline. I do a lot of the "girl stuff" I feel DSD misses out on with her mum like going to the hairdressers, going clothes shopping, baking cakes. I even threw a mini hen party for her and her friends so she felt part of the celebrations and build up to the wedding.

DSD copies me a lot. She has a vitech laptop and will sit next to me when I'm working from home and type away on her laptop. I recently got my hair cut into a bob, guess who else now wants their hair cut short. My DH says there's worse people to copy.

DH and his ex split because she assaulted him for the 4th time that year and DH had already earned her he'd leave if she hit him again. She bit his face and headbutted him Infront of their then 2yo. She also had several affairs and generally just isn't a nice person. She's very selfish, rarely puts the kids first and will use them as weapons to try and hurt DH. She currently has a BF who is married with 3 kids. They had an affair before he eventually moved in about 2 months ago after his wife found out.

The ex makes life difficult. We have boundaries in place to minimise her impact but simple requests are always an issue and she'll throw curveballs just to fuck shit up now and again. She stopped us seeing DSD for 2 months over an argument about a dog that she has since rehomed.

I get on ok with the 2 boys but I wouldn't say we're close. They were teens when we met so I've never been a parent to them though they both do refer to me as their stepmum. They're typical teenage boys, sleep all day, glued to their computers or out with friends.

I think the key to a happy step-family is having a partner who has your back 100%. Who respects your opinions and makes time for you to be a couple. Who can prioritise the relationship as well as his kids.

I do worry that my relationship with DSD will change as she gets older, especially since her mum badmouths us, however DSD even at 5 is already starting to see through her mum's BS. I guess we'll just need to cross that bridge if we ever come to it.

I have two SD, one 17, another 19.

Met DH the year after he split with ex.
Ex was very high conflict over the years and caused lots of issues. She cheated on him which caused the split but wasn’t happy when he later met me. I maintained a distance from her but have always been polite for the sake of SC.

I was VERY naive when I entered into the step-parenting world. A combination of being a people pleaser and trying to make DH’s life easier as a shift worker, I took on a lot of the childcare.
However it was soon apparent that DH is a Disney Dad. After a few years I had enough of his Disney parenting, not backing me up or supporting me plus both SC behaviour was very challenging so I disengaged and told him I wasn’t prepared to look after them anymore. It almost ended our marriage but I wouldn’t budge and was ready to leave.
Disengaging was the best thing I did and I wish I’d done it sooner as DH had to step up and get on with it and he saw a lot of their poor behaviour for himself.

Eldest SC has always resented me. She has frequently told me over the years that she hates me.
She also hates anyone else having her Dad’s attention - even her siblings.
I’m polite to both of them and chat when they come to stay but I don’t enjoy their company. They’re both very lazy and entitled and on many occasions my friends and family have been shocked at how rude they can both be.

It’s a shame as I really did try hard for years to have a good relationship with them but it was an uphill struggle. I have a lovely relationship with my own stepmum and hoped to have the same with my SC.
DH and I now have two children of our own and I save my energy for my own children.
I found this board a couple of years ago and it’s been a God-send.

I have two 19 (girl) 16 (boy). Have been around since they were 4 and 18 months, so they don’t remember life without me which probably helps. The 19 yo is mostly travelling at the moment, the 16 year old about 40% with us.

I think of myself as an aunt plus kind of person which seems to work, we get on very well, and I do have a degree of parental authority with them, but leave the full wack to their parents.

Their parents do get on well now, although more wobbly earlier on. They didn’t take this out on the kids and my partner’s ex was always civil to me and I her. In the early years I left all arrangements to my partner, but as the kids got older I talked to her direct all the time. I think of her as extended family and I think she thinks of me the same way. We aren’t close mates, but we have a relationship and get on well.

I have always done a fair amount for them which will obviously help the relationship. That and everyone behaving well.

I do love them by the way!

My step child's mum is a horrible controlling person and this poor child has been put in the middle of many situations which have effected the child's confident & personality massively.

We have a great relationship but I learnt to distance my emotions and time etc as ultimately, we have zero control over any situations or things that happen.

To see DH constantly go through so much just to try and show up and be the best dad possibly, it's heartbreaking. But I have learnt I have no control and I can't help this situation at all.

So we have a nice relationship when together and fun times but mentally I've distanced myself from all of it. I don't go the extra mile any more and over time I care less and less. To protect myself.

Been in my DSD's life since she was 4, she's now 9 and I've lived with DP since Covid when we bought a house together.

I get on with her very well, she's comfy around me, enjoys coming over, we decorated her room lovely, she's met all my family too and everyone gets along. Couldn't have been easier with DSD tbh. We don't have any joint children though. I worried this would make it harder but actually reading other posts on here, I think it makes things easier. We are trying for a baby currently & hopefully DSD will be pleased to gain a half sibling. She has expressed that she want's a brother in the past so no doubt it will be a girl 😂but will deal with any issues should they arise.

It sounds like a broken record on here but I can't say the same for DSD's mum. I've never met her or had any contact which is more than fine with me but the reason my DP left was because she was extremely controlling and of course, that makes for a 'wannabe' controlling ex wife. We've had to deal with lots of issues, mainly the first couple of years but there are still moments when I think 'wtf?'. Thankfully DP is great and handles it well, so currently, I'd say being a step mum has been pretty smooth sailing and I enjoy it for the most part...

I have 2 DSC now 14 & 17 (almost 15 & 18).

I have been in their lives for over 9 years. I have a great relationship with the younger boy. I have absolutely no relationship with the older girl - after years of her mum dripping poison in her ear, she wants nothing to do with me or her dad.

Their mother is a toxic, narcissistic bully. She has done everything in her power to control & prevent contact (my OH had years of taking her to court to get contact and then more years of taking her back to court for breaching the contact order). She’s done all she can to poison the children against their father & anyone associated with him (incl. grandparents, cousins, me).

It’s incredibly sad to be part of it & watch the impact it’s had on the children.

I mentally withdraw 3 years ago - after we found out the daughter (then almost 15) was taking photos of our personal bank statements, letters etc and sending them to her mum. She was also breaking into her dads phone & screenshotting our private WhatsApp messages & sending them to her mum.

When she was as caught (by her dad) she went for a walk - called told her mum and told her dad had thrown her out of the house (a complete lie). Her mum & boyfriend of 6 months came over to ours and were so abusive that the police had to be called & they were cautioned. We haven’t seen the daughter since then - she refuses to speak to or visit her dad. He’s written to her every month for 3 years, sent cards & gifts and he’s had absolutely nothing back.

Its so sad - as all he has tried to be is a good dad in the face of a controlling bully.

The son accepted some counselling (at the recommendation of social services after the police involvement) - I think he realises what has gone on and dad & I have a good relationship with him.

At the end of the day - these relationships have broken down and people do have to move on. SM’s are another person who can enhance a child’s life & I think most of us try our best. These relationships with the kids are made or broken depending on the mum.

Personally I think some of these women are so emotionally damaged they have no idea what they are doing to their own children.

Oh ladies... what have we gotten ourselves into! 😂 I am in the exact same position as most of you. A manipulative, short-tempered, hostile ex-wife/biological mum. I also perceive myself as a second mum to my stepchild due to our relationship and as we have her 23 days a month, meaning I literally take care of all day-to-day stuff, out of own volition. She’s such a good kid. I worry about the impact of her mum on her self-esteem and overall happiness. I can see traits of people-pleasing in her instead of being true to herself, which makes me incredibly sad.

Whilst she’s got a clear preference for staying with us and frequently asks when she can decide where she wants to stay permanently, I try to stay open to the fact that this may change and worry about the potential impact on the family, including siblings.

I want to ask all of you, as you’ve been in the stepparent game for a while; even with all the turmoil, do you find it was worth it? Any regrets? @Comeandsee53 @Laurdo @LemonLimeDivine @NorthernSpirit @climbthathill129 @continentallentil @roseheartfly

I’ve a DSD who is 16. Have known her since she was 7 but and we used to have a fab relationship. Sadly when my DH and her mum split up (way before me) her mum decided the only way to get back at him (their relationship was over but he left the family home) was to use my DSD as a weapon. She expected him to say ‘how high’ when she said ‘jump’ and so when he didn’t it all got worse. If there was a prime example of parental alienation, it is/was DSD’s mum. The poor girl has missed out on so many things, and now has little to no contact with my DH. The worst thing was that my DSD had to lie about enjoying spending time with us, as her mum hated it and would question her about the whole weekend, our house, my job etc. It all blew up when mum demanded to know something about a trip we were planning (UK based) and my DH said DSD already knew the plans and had said she was happy with them. Mum was already aware of main details. Mum kicked off and retaliated to the point that DSD has since refused all contact apart from an occasional text. Unfortunately DSD was made to believe that she was the most important person in the entire universe by her mum and was told that her dad should do everything that both mum and DSD wanted. On the one occasion DSD asked to stay with us a day longer she was told no - she had to go home and tidy her bedroom. She never dared to ask again. Her mum could not stand DSD enjoying time with her dad. I do still hold out some hope that contact will gradually improve with DSD but mum has done a grand job on her - although DSD has said she wants to travel or go to uni to get away from home so maybe one day she’ll actually realise what her mum has done. Doesn’t make up for all the lost time for my DH though. 😔

@2023MNU
I would say it's 1000% worth it for my amazing husband and our children. When my step child is with us, it's also great.

The only negative thing is the horrible mum, the control she tries to have over us and her negative impact she has on my step child due to her selfish behaviour.

We now have pushed back on a couple of things she has demanded and even followed through when she threatens to stop contact if she doesn't get her way. So I'm just hopeful that one day she will just leave our family alone.

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your SD. Keep being an amazing step mum ❤️

It's so concerning how many step children have to deal with this from their mothers. Heart breaking.

I have had 18 years with SC, it's fantastic but they don't live with us. They used to stay every 2nd weekend and came on holiday, lovely child who I adore. I have been a SC for 39 years, SM and I are closer than my DF and I and she's always been a special, trusted confidante. We don't live in each others pockets but she is a really important person in my life and we get together each month. It can be v hard when a teen, I found it hard to cope but years later it's a treasured relationship. Your little SD needs you. My DS views my partner as his DD they are very close. It's a lovely opportunity.

My step-children were young adults when DH and I married. Their mother had died suddenly. It's been up and down. DSS went low contact for almost a decade but is on excellent terms now, hopefully forever.

DSD manages to be surface-friendly for a few months but doesn't sustain it. She can't bring herself to do it for long, perhaps out of loyalty to her dead mother. The mother died thirty years ago now, so I wonder if she needs professional help; but that is up to her. After a recent verbal mauling I am detaching myself. DH supported me over that and told her she wasn't welcome here until she apologised.

I have tried to be kind, hospitable, generous and polite, an interested adult like a non-blood aunt, not replacing their mother except by being married to their father.

It's absolutely worth it. My DH is just wonderful and I've never been happier. I also get so much joy from DSD and it's a privilege watching her grow. Being her

I come from a big family however I never really wanted my own kids as I do like my independence and a bunch of other reasons. I've always liked kids and been good with them. Meeting DH has given me a family that I didn't think I would ever have.

The only downside is all the crap we get from the ex. Although my DH manages it pretty well I still feel like she has an element of control over our lives. Like we can't go on holiday for more than a week unless she agrees to have the kids. She withdrew permission to take DSD on holiday a couple of weeks before we were about to go and threatened the police if we took her. Hopefully this stuff will die down a bit as the years go on.

This is a very similar story to myself. DSD's mum had the affair, split a few years before he met me and then when it wasn't going well with the home-wrecking bloke (How often is that phrase used about men?) she acted as though my dh had done something wrong and I was the other woman. And that was the picture painted to everyone else.

I don't know how people justify this kind of behaviour in their own minds. It's like their egos won't let them see the choices that THEY made and it's easy to assume the man is always the one to blame somehow, as society encourages that narrative. (And tbf I know there are lots of useless dads out there).

Because dh's ex is such a mixed up person, whenever she knows there is some kind of significant family event coming up for us, (holidays/christmas) etc. she seems to get worse and will always seem to create these dramas that create tension. It's very sad really.

When DH and I got married, we purposely kept most of the honeymoon money aside, went for a more modest (but lovely!) UK break we'd already paid for and took DSD with us a few weeks later for a nice big holiday. We knew we'd be criticised if we didn't do this and we wanted to include her. Unfortunately husband's exw and exMIL had already told her that we wouldn't be spending much money on her, that daddy was selfish to even consider a honeymoon without her and that our holiday would be rubbish compared to the one they had planned (immediately after) and it affected how she was on that holiday with us. Her dad was distraught. So it was basically thrown back in our face and in a way, I wish we'd just gone on a big blow out honeymoon!! It was sad they would rather score points than just let her enjoy her time with her dad. I guess scoring hateful points comes first above the happiness of their child for some people...

I met DSD when she was 6. She is now 11. We overall have a lovely relationship but as you can see, it has had it's ups and downs and it's been sad to see the anxiety and conflict in creates in her feeling she has to keep her mum happy. I really want her mum to move on and be at peace finally for everyone's sake. The best times with her aren't the 'big days' but normally the low key times, when she comes home from school and wants to talk about what's going on in her life or when we are just having a laugh at home doing normal things.

My main advice would be just don't give her ANYTHING she can use against you. Be as nice as pie. I'm playing the long game and hope one day sd will see clearly the dynamics that were at play.

It's mostly been OK. There's been ups and downs. It's been 15 years or so now, they are young adults and living their own lives.

Getting on with the mum makes a huge difference, my DH and his ex get on, the in laws still get on with her.

There have been times when I've been on this board desperate for advice but over the years it's become more of a curiosity to me.

I tried a bit too hard and did too much at the beginning, then probably drew back a bit much...we've had the odd row where I thought they were all taking the piss.

It really helped that money wasn't a huge issue....DH earns well and doesn't spend much - his ex is the opposite - but it meant he can dig the kids out as needed with extras.

I met my stepdaughter when she was 4 and she's 7 now...and starting to ask questions which I am in no position to answer but somehow I get them all directed at me :)

I genuinely love her to bits, but there are times when it gets hard. Her mum seems to have never gotten over the break-up and she goes into phases of trying to "establish dominance" - weird behaviours from suddenly hanging out pictures of my husband in her house (I only know because he mentioned it...and we both feel very weird about it), calling and asking for help with everything (she did back down after being refused multiple times), calling me very childish names around the little one and trying to spread rumours she knows to be false. Her odd behaviours tend to escalate whenever we hit a big milestone (engagement, getting married, buying a house, having a baby) but my husband got better at dealing with her.

I do often worry that she is dripping poison into my stepdaughter's ear, but other than carrying on as we normally do there is nothing I can do about it.

For what it's worth, our (mine and my SD's) relationship is fine - she often tells me she loves me and she is excited to be a big sister.

What helps me to keep my head above the water is to constantly remind myself that in this whole mess adults have made - she is innocent. She's just a child who deserves all love we all can give her and that love needs to be unconditional....and she will have a lot to wrap her head around as she grows up

I try not to overstep as a stepparent, but I did send her on time out few times - something she still reminds me about months after it happened :P

Apparently, I had an affair with my DH when my husband was married to his ex-wife. She tells everyone that he was always coming to see me and taking me to posh hotels 🙄 I wish I’d known about this affair, I like a posh hotel. It’s good for nicking all the free toiletries 😂 Although, my boyfriend at the time wouldn’t have been too impressed…

DSD- hates me
DSS- Thought he liked me but now know he listens in on conversations, reports back and apparently he ‘feels uncomfortable in my
presence’

Have tried my hardest to be kind to both though.

twin daughters from previous relationship
1 x bio son with DH