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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Frustrated and not sure if to bring up.

18 replies

Clareanscombe1964 · 24/07/2023 14:09

My partner has a daughter from his previous marriage who is 16. We’ve been together for a while now and have two children of our own.
The relationship with my step daughters mother hasn’t been great, scratch that and say non existent as she has never wanted to meet me etc. which is fine. I’ve always been conscious of trying to over compensate for my step daughter and always let her guide our relationship. To that end we’ve never really been close close ie hugging/loving, I look after her of course, make sure she’s ok and buy her presents etc so she never feel’s separated in any way. But she’s never seemed to want a deeper relationship.
But increasingly im getting a little frustrated at her lack of interaction and gratitude sometimes. For instance and prob the biggest example I organised and paid for her to go to another country to see a show, I covered everything while she was there, bought her a concert T-shirt etc. With not one word of thanks or gratitude. Im
not a formal parent at all but I believe in saying thank you and showing gratitude so much so that my kids will always say thanks and be appreciative of gifts, treats and the thought that goes into it. I’m left just feeling hurt and angry - should I forget it and just move on. I don’t know how to broach it so that it doesn’t cause a drama with my partner but it really is bothering me.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 24/07/2023 14:15

I’d stop trying to over compensate immediately.

Regardless of whether you are super close or not, she should at 16, be more than familiar with basic manners.

SeulementUneFois · 24/07/2023 14:15

Try to put it out of your mind - for your own sake.
Going forward react like you would with anyone that's been so ungrateful and massively reduce what you do for her.

Chunkychips23 · 24/07/2023 14:19

It’s not a fun age she’s at. My SD who’s now 15 is at the lack of gratitude stage. I used to beat myself up over her withdrawal and wondering if I’d done something wrong. After reading through loads of these forum posts, a lot of it seems to be down to the teenage stage and overcompensating.

If you want to continue doing things for her, that’s your choice, but nobody would blame you for taking a step back with the gifting etc.

Pkhsvd · 24/07/2023 14:35

We find that there is a lack of gratitude with my DSD; I think it’s a teenage thing mostly as a lot of people say this about their teens. If she’s not been brought up like that then she isn’t going to show it and I think with my DSD it’s that she just thinks that this is what family do (ie, take her out, buy gifts etc) so it wouldn’t occur to her to say thank you for that any more than she would when I do her washing or anything else for her. I would bring it up with your DP for him to have a word with her.

ManchesterLu · 24/07/2023 15:23

I'd stop. Right now. It's your DP's job to buy things for her, all you need to do is be kind, welcoming and inclusive while she's in your care.

Whatonearth07957 · 24/07/2023 17:58

Pull right back.

AuntieStella · 24/07/2023 18:06

I don’t know how to broach it so that it doesn’t cause a drama with my partner

That doesn't sound good - being unable to talk things through with your DP sounds all wrong, and must make family dynamics much harder. Why are you unable to broach things?

Tapasgoofy · 24/07/2023 18:16

My step child is like this…. But they have been like it for years… we have mentioned it before but then you get over the top ‘thank yous’ for everything.

It’s so bloody rude and there is no excuse for it. I now don’t bother making any effort. Bare minimum effort as that’s what we get back!

LemonLimeDivine · 24/07/2023 18:29

She sounds rude and entitled. You’re not obliged to do this for her. Stop doing it. She’ll just expect more and more.

Be polite and welcoming when she comes to stay but don’t engage or get involved beyond that. Save your time, effort and money for your own children.

Reugny · 24/07/2023 19:18

Unfortunately some people especially teenagers are rude, and your SD is one of them.

As she's your only SC then simply stop doing stuff for her. She has no-one in her immediate family to compare herself to e.g.another step-sibling so you don't need to worry on that front.

Unless you want to you don't need to mention it to your DP unless he notices that you don't do stuff for her anymore and mentions it himself. Then simply say you went out of your way for her with examples, and she was unable to say thank you so your can't be bothered anymore.

Oh and some of the worse cases I've seen in rl of step-child ingratitude was with step-parents providing childcare.....

Original poster
Clareanscombe1964 · 24/07/2023 21:03

@AuntieStella we can talk things over and don’t find it an issue but I don’t want to put him in an awkward position I suppose. I have spoken to him already but said I’d rather he didn’t say anything for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clareanscombe1964 · 24/07/2023 21:10

I have spoken to him about it and he feels also annoyed about it. But given how things can be with his ex I’ve said not to say anything for now. Really it’ll get back to his ex and it will cause no end of problems so best to tackle it for another time.
I don’t want him being put in another awkward situation after many years of it.
But I’ve taken on board what’s been said and I’ll be backing off now. I think it’s for the best as I don’t want to be resentful and neither am I deserving of a lack of gratitude.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 24/07/2023 21:34

This is the difficulty with being a step parent. Not the children themselves, but their other parent, their influence and the way it infiltrates decision making in your own home.

SandyY2K · 25/07/2023 16:14

It's common decency to say thanks for a gift and your gift was a huge one. If she can't say thank you and show appreciation, then just stop.

It's bad manners and her dad is equally responsible. No point blaming her mum for everything.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 25/07/2023 16:16

I would ask him to reimburse you op... And stop spending your money on her. He should be cringing his dd is so rude...

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 25/07/2023 18:17

I wouldnt say anything, it would be pointless and only cause trouble. I would stop throwing money at her though. That's a ridiculous amount of your own money to spend on a step child that you don't have a particularly close bond with. If you had done that for my child I would have insisted they show their gratitude. I hope at the very least your DH showed his appreciation for the very kind thing you did.

Original poster
Clareanscombe1964 · 25/07/2023 19:59

@pillsthrillsandbellyache he does and is disappointed as much as me at her response. Lesson learned and will not be contributing again

OP posts:
greenteaandmarshmallows · 26/07/2023 07:50

Thing is kids when they are younger need to take the adults for granted- it's how they feel secure. As they get older they need to be taught gratitude. I would personally stop buying these extras etc. If she hasn't asked for them she's just using you with no gratitude. She clearly doesn't like you so I'd stop trying to change that and accept the relationship for what it is.

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