Does anyone get offended at the comparisons?

[blakes]

My SC seem to just be unhappy a lot.

We get a lot of whinging about stuff in this house in comparison to their mum's.. too strict about bedtime, too strict about amount of snacks, not 'good enough' snacks, hate going out to do anything when they want to be playing on Xbox, internet too slow, even down to being asked to shower...

I don't know why and I know it probably shouldn't but it does offend me, I'm probably being petulant as they're preteen and teen and it's normal. However I do partake in making an effort for them and maybe I'm super sensitive, but the sulkiness and huffiness about everything does get to me.

Does anyone else relate to this? Do I just need to grow up; is it normal for their ages?

We have this sort of thing to look forward to, as SC’s mother provides little in the way of structure, varied diet, rules, mental/physical stimulation etc.

When dscs were little they did this a bit but they also told their mum that I was funnier, had bigger boobs, had nicer dresses etc. They are probably telling their mum all sorts about you.

I think the best thing to do if they are little is to ignore it and it will stop as they get older and start to develop empathy. Mine haven't said anything like this since they were about 7 or 8.

Bet if you leave the entire time of their stay to dh they won't complain as much. Step back op. Really.

@Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets in what sense? I don't understand. There's nothing I push myself forward for. I just try and make our home nice with snacks they like and games for them and go out and do stuff as a family (we have DC too). By no means am I in their faces or anything while they're here. Or should I be leaving my own home?

They'll be doing it to their mum about your house too. Kids play parents off against each other

They probably do it to their mum too. It's not easy or natural to have to constantly adjust to a different household.

My DSD does this but then trips herself up when she lets on that at her mums she has to do various chores so I think she does the same at both homes. It’s pretty similar to moaning that their friends are allowed to do x y and z so I let it wash over me (mostly)

everytime they complain I’d just say ‘oh well’ and let it go over your head …

they dont like the snacks? Don’t eat them then.

What sort of bedtime are you trying to enforce for the teens? Regardless, at that age they are very whingey and many, so try not to let it get to you.

Nope. One - because I know that she uses similar arguments towards her mum ("but at dad's I can..."), and second because we have those rules and agreements in place for a reason. She's a person so she will have her preferences, but she is also a child so she needs to suck up her bedtime :)

Does dh get those games and snacks and drinks? Yes tbh I would be doing my own thing.. Bet dh isn't that great without you around.

I never got this when he was younger, but as he's got older, my partner's son has become really snobby about comparing our household to his mum's.

He'll make comments about how I do things (my mum never uses instant mash, I can't stand shop bought coleslaw (i.e. she slaves away and makes her own), my mum makes her own bread) and I'm just like yeah that's great, good for her, but I don't have the time or inclination, he's now a fully grown adult and could do it himself if he really wanted, and the reason he lives with us is because his mum walked out when he was 1 and didn't get back in touch for 6 years so you know, whether she mashes her own spuds or not, she's not perfect.

I love this! It literally doesn’t matter is she mashes her own spuds if she can disappear for all those years!
I’ll bet that actually your SS is trying to find positives about his mum to mask over her absence and how that impacted on him.

The fact is everyone is different and we do things our own way.
I just say “oh that’s nice”, “well this is how I prefer to do it”, “we don’t do that in this house” (The last one was in reference to her swearing and being allowed to drink alcohol at a young age)

We have this all the time. And weirdly they will complain about things that aren't actually the case-so for example this morning ' this house is always so cold'. It was boiling last night and this morning due to the weather and is generally a warm
House. I feel the cold so I have the bearing on earlier and for longer than most people. So I know it's not 'always cold'. They seem to have an altered reality. Their mum is very controlling and possessive over them and negative about us and that seems to be embedding itself in their thought processes. I find it annoying and worrying. And the temptation when this started was to fix whatever they said was wrong. But we can't fix things that aren't wrong-and also they just need to accept there are differences between the houses or else we are treading on eggshells all the time. I try to let it wash over me now unless it's a genuine complaint but it's not easy as I feel like my home, my DH and I are being constantly criticised and found wanting whatever we do.

Offended? Quite the opposite - I was very very clear that the way I live my life, run my home and work hard was the polar opposite to the lazy, grabby, selfish mother of my husband's children.

I think for my DSCs, they know their mum resents me (not the OW) and has in the past got openly upset when they’ve said anything nice about me , eg that I’ve made them a nice dinner. For them, making comments is their way of being loyal to their mum even when she isn’t there to see it. It doesn’t bother me because I feel sad for them - she talks a lot about how lonely she is, how difficult everything is for her, etc, and they are sensitive and caring children who are naturally close to their mum. DH often pulls them up on things because he thinks it’s rude, but I just ignore it.

I agree with others they’ll be doing it at the other house also! I think each house will be the best when they’re at the other house.

Of course contrary to the PP I would never have dreamt of marrying someone who had previously chosen a lazy, grabby, selfish woman and had multiple children with her.

@MissTrip82 LOL! I've heard it all - it's his fault for choosing her is it? Maybe she presented in a different way when they married pre-children? Who knows?

People do change @MissTrip82 .I mean I wouldn't have married someone who went on to cheat on me twice had I know that beforehand, when we met, age 16...by 32 he was quite a different kettle of fish then we we first met in the year 11 common room.

It's pretty normal I think. I have this from own DC sometimes!

Ooh this is infuriating and I would have to say something to an adult coming out with this crap - "I guess with two households you're lucky to get the best of both worlds, one parent who mashes their own potatoes and one who didn't abandon you for 6 years. So that's nice"