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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Chores

22 replies

Justcallmesarah · 23/07/2023 06:17

I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much or not, so looking for some feedback please.

My partner has a 7 year old girl, I am due my first and last in 2 months. I'm trying to encourage the 7 year old to help out more around the house, such as empty the dish washer, put her plate in it after dinner, putting her clothes away once they've been washed things like that. I am getting the vibe my partner thinks I'm the wicked stepmom for doing so.
I think it's good practice to teach responsibilities and support.

Am I being too strict/much.....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Wallywobbles · 23/07/2023 07:16

No that's good. Kids are happy to help when young. Teens not so much so teach them when they're young.

dogsweetdog · 23/07/2023 07:22

You're absolutely right but your partner needs to be doing the same, not undermining you.

aSofaNearYou · 23/07/2023 08:13

It's fine, but I'd be worried about your DPs attitude. How is he expressing it?

Pkhsvd · 23/07/2023 09:37

It depends how much you mean and how often she’s with you; the clothes away and the plate in the dishwasher is fine but with a day what else are you expecting her to do? Give her a couple of jobs such as setting the table, putting her plate in the dishwasher and making her bed then build on there in another few months.
7 is young for doing the dishwasher in my opinion.

Original poster

Justcallmesarah · 23/07/2023 11:16

She's with us 50/50.
What I ask her to do is:

*Since after spitting her toothpaste out of the sink/flush loo as she sometimes forgets
*Empty dishwasher
*Clear her plate and put it in the dishwasher when she's finished rather than leaving it by the sink
*Put her clean clothes away-weekly

She feeds the dog and cat when she gets up too, but that's a her thing rather than me asking her, but I also think it's good as she wanted a puppy so it teaches her responsibilities.

What I want to add to the list is
*Filling up loo roll when basket is empty

So again I don't think childlind needs to be called anytime soon but wondered if I'm being too harsh as I'm not a mum myself yet 😬

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 11:18

It should come from her dad, if he’s not on the same page it’s a non starter. Discuss with him what you both think is reasonable and he should implement it. There’s loads of stuff online about age appropriate chores.

Yea2023 · 23/07/2023 11:22

DH needs to do these chores and ask DSD to ‘help’ him.

Thats how we introduce chores to our DC.

Original poster

Justcallmesarah · 23/07/2023 12:05

I've seen the stuff online and most of what I'm asking is age appropriate.

I don't want to get into the habit of having to ask my partner to get her to do things as she should be doing stuff I ask, other wise she'll only ever do what her dad says.

Looking at the responses I'm going with what I'm asking is not too excessive and reasonable. Thanks all for your input 🙃👌

OP posts:

Reugny · 23/07/2023 12:11

As she has chosen to help out with the pets, randomly praise her for doing so. Remember people act better with a bit of praise.

Original poster

Justcallmesarah · 23/07/2023 12:15

Oh I absolutely do praise her, thank her and let her know how helpful she's being. .that's super important.

OP posts:

Yea2023 · 23/07/2023 12:21

You shouldn’t have to ask your DH to ask his DD to do chores, why isn’t he doing them?

In any case, it’s his issue if he doesn’t want her to do it as it should be his chore anyway.

Unless of course this is a case where he does little if any housework at all so the emphasis is on a child to reduce the load by doing hers while the women of the house still cover his share?

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 12:28

She’s 7 I think you’re expecting a little too much. At 7 they’ll need reminding, their main focus is on play and being a child not taking care of house.
at 7 my girls were playing in the garden not worrying that they had to refill loo roll (however simple a task that is)
at 7 my girls were responsible for packing away their toys and mess, taking their plates out and maybe helping me bake a cake. But they never had obligations for helping me run the house.

Reugny · 23/07/2023 12:32

@Mumtothreegirlies I know 7 year olds who did more and 7 year olds who did less. It depends on how the individual child acts.

Original poster

Justcallmesarah · 23/07/2023 12:32

No he does do his share around the house, its genuinely that I'm trying to teach her responsibilities and helping out more is important. She's still a kid but I do think we do far too much for kids today and they expect it, I know she's not my child but I'd hate to see her turn out a brat.

I suspect I'll be the exact same with my own.

OP posts:

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 12:40

What does she do in her mums house? Does she have lots of chores there?
im a believer in giving children responsibilities and encouraging them to help others but I also think there’s a fine line where it becomes a control tactic.
my husband was raised in a house where his parents would force him to do chores before and after school thinking it would encourage him to be responsible but it just lead to him rebelling in his teens and disliking his parents because it became more a control thing and a way for his parents to wag their fingers if he didn’t do a good enough job or forget to do something. I just think you have to be careful how you go about it and her mum and dad absolutely have to be on the same page so you don’t become wicked stepmother.

sweepleall · 23/07/2023 13:04

I think that's likely more chores than the average 7 year old. I don't think any of them are beyond the average 7 year old but I do notice that they are mostly (all, arguably) solitary and not especially fun chores.

I would mix it up a bit and have her do some chores with your DH or you and some which are more "fun" - my 7 year old loves cooking with me and can chop up vegetables under supervision, and both my kids enjoy gardening together with us. I think that way it's bonding time as well. I think she is a little young to be told to go off and do a set of chores on her own.

Yea2023 · 23/07/2023 13:27

I’m glad he does his share, I’d leave him to get her to help him with emptying dishwasher, putting clothes away when he’s doing it then.

BungleandGeorge · 23/07/2023 13:28

Have you spoken to your partner about it? As her parent his pinion does matter!
for what it’s worth I don’t think emptying the dishwasher is age appropriate unless you are doing it with her. Surely some items are stored out of her reach? Glasses and knives can be hazardous and if she makes a mistake she’s going to break something. I’d either do it together or find a less hazardous job such as dusting or sorting washing. Perhaps give her a list and let her choose. You’re increasing the amount of jobs, how many do you think she should have?

MisschiefMaker · 23/07/2023 14:32

I think it's fine but a PP made a good point about them being solitary. If you're in the same room as her and chatting to her as you go along that would improve things I think.

FWIW my 22 month old puts clothes from the basket into the washing machine and takes them out again when clean. She then passes me the clothes one by one to hang up on the drying rack. She also helps with the dishwasher by passing me plates from the bottom tray for me to put away. And she sort of tidies her own toys with varying degrees of success lol. It's not really that I'm giving her "work", we just potter around together helping each other out. At least that's how I see it. I'm sure she'll stop wanting to help at some point but for now I won't be feeling bad about it!

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 15:41

I think that’s all fine, why does he not think so?

Wallywobbles · 23/07/2023 16:00

My kids had a pretty good grasp of cleaning, washing etc by 7. Did it all together. We have holiday cottages so it was part of life.

Pkhsvd · 23/07/2023 20:15

After your update I’d say that amount is fair and not excessive; I do find that asking DC to do things that involve them noticing when things are empty etc are often tricky as they just don’t see it until they need the item so while that’s not a reason not to do it you’re likely to need to remind her to fill up the basket.
Mumsnet seems to think everything should come from the dad and not see a role for a stepmum which I disagree with so while there’s nothing wrong with you asking here your DH does need to be on board as otherwise it becomes them against you

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