DSS is driving me insane

[TryAgainAnotherDay]

DSS is 9, have been in his life since he has just gone 3 and generally things are all good. I often have DSS in the hols and someday in the week when mum and dad are working as I'm only part time.

Recently he is driving me insane and I'm not sure if it's typical 9 year old boy stuff. So leaving rubbish everywhere, crisp packets on the sofa, drinks bottles in the car, any rubbish he has never goes into the bin always just put down where ever he is seated. Clothing in his bedroom, I've found socks under the bed, uniform flung around his room, the only item that he puts in the wash is slightly soiled pants where he hasn't quite made it to the toilet in time. Also leaving poo marks all over the toilet seat.

Myself and DH are getting very tired now of having the same conversations with him every single day about respect and making sure we tidy up after ourselves. I've explained I need to know if any clothing is soiled so I can sort it out, and how it's very unhygienic to leave poo marks on the toilet seat.

Is this usual for a 9 year old and if so how do we address it to see changes? Its so difficult as he is only with us 5 days out of 14 and obviously rules are different between our household and mums household

My son is 11 and he leaves a trail of devastation behind him. Honestly it’s insane - he doesn’t seem to notice or care. His room is such a mess (DD16 similar too! luckily DD14 is quite tidy).

I think that's the most infuriating bit, he just doesn't seem to give two hoots.

What does he say when you bring these issues up? In my experience 9 was a tricky age but we didn’t have any of this in particular. If he’s forgotten to put rubbish in the bin will he do it when reminded refuse to? If you notice the loo’s a mess and one of you flags it up what happens?

Do you think DH is tackling things as well as he can? Is he firm but fair and most of all consistent? Does he back you up when you remind DSS about things or ask him to do things?

The book How to talk so kids listen is very helpful. 9 is plenty old enough to both tidy his room and clean up his rubbish, my 4 year old does both, and to get that different households have different rules.

DH backs me up 100% and finds it just as infuriating.

DSD will just look at me and needs to be prompted. So if I say 'DSS you have left your packet on the sofa's he will just look at me, I literally have to tell him 'you need to put the packet in the bin'

In general he's not really one for thinking by himself and does need a lot of micromanaging but we just thought as he got older he would start getting better at these things, but he is infact getting worse.

The mess is say is normal.

Soiling his pants still at 9 is not. Neither is leaving it all over the toilet seat. That’s gross.

Definitely read the book. In the example you give I wouldn’t bother telling him it’s there. He knows. You’re wasting both your time. He can’t be arsed to move it. “Please put that packet in the bin now”.

Have you and DH agreed the things that really matter and that you want to focus on? When we think of how many things we ask of children it quickly adds up from the moment they wake up till the time they’re asleep again. It’s easy to lose sight of it sometimes.

I know that general lack of initiative and laziness and disrespect is what’s driving you mad but if you can decide what’s most important - dirty pants, loo, wrappers in the bin, uniform. Some are bigger deals than others.

You won’t stop him being a bit lazy, you won’t stop him being 9, you won’t stop his mum having different rules. Your expectations are fair. But you won’t transform him overnight so pick your battles and try and make sure your communication is as clear as it can be.

I'd like to say it wasn't normal but my DSS does all of this, he has no expectation of having to do things like sort out his dirty (often skid mark stained clothes) himself, or throw away his own rubbish, he pretty much just drops anything he's used where he used it. I have to ask him every time if to tidy something up for himself. It does wind me up quite a bit.

Show him how to clean the toilet and make him do it himself every time.

Pick up all rubbish and dump it in his bedroom.
Make DH clean the loo every time.

Make it DH's problem

Maybe DH needs to take him to the doctor?

Instead of telling him "put that in the bin" Try saying to him "where does that go?" And let him say "in the bin". Maybe it'll go in more if he's actually saying it himself. Maybe not. But worth a try.

Soiling himself regularly and getting poo all over the toilet seat is definitely not right. I've never had issues with that even with much younger kids.

My DSD is 5. She keeps her room tidy, makes her bed and opens her curtains every morning. She will leave stuff at her arse but just needs to be asked once to pick it up. We used to use a reward chart to get her in the routine of doing things for herself, keeping her room tidy etc. She doesn't need it anymore and just knows what's expected of her.

Have you tried reward charts with him?

So now he doesn't get snacks

DSS as you're incapable of doing the basic things toddlers grasp you'll no longer be able to have the snacks.

This OP.
And can you pick up more hours / days in work so you watch him less, and his parents have to make other arrangements.

I have two SS (9 and 12) and they are both exactly as you describe (inc the poo incidences)! In fact many times I will go in and there is poo on my walls and wee everywhere and I have stood in it. I find it the main reason that my OH and I fall out. Both my SS know exactly what they are doing, but in my case they have a dad who barely tells his kids off and will just sort it himself without making a thing of it - this method winds me up even more as he’s not addressing the problem with them. They left today to go to their mums and their bedroom stinks of poo and BO. I checked one of their beds and there were poo stains all down the bed. To top it off they are also two of the most selfish children I have ever known and expect to be waited on hand and foot. They live with us half the week treat our house like they’ve arrived at a hotel and leave a trail of destruction wherever they go and take over the whole house. I have my own DS and DD and neither are like this in the slight!

I wish I had some words of wisdom but sadly I don’t.

Thanks all, I think it helps knowing its not just my DSS

Could it be attention seeking behaviour? He’s only 9.

Can DH ask his mother if he does these things at home and what strategy she takes, and if he’s the age there if he’s been taken to the GP.

If it’s not attention seeking, its not normal to mess the seat or pants. Has he been taught how to wipe himself? Has his mother earned him about using too much loo roll so now he doesn’t? Does he have a problem with his hands that would make it difficult to wipe?

DH has spoken to mum, apparently she will just throw it away or just put the clothes in the wash. However, neither me or DH are willing to follow him around at the age of 9 to ensure he is doing thrse things.

He has had many issues with the toilet where he had anxiety around going meaning he used to hold it in and get constipated, he was in laxatives for a long time and now has issues that if he wants to go he has to go urgently do can over come this it's the not telling us that's the issue. If we know he has had a poo DH does tend to check his bum as he is not very good at wiping.

Welcome to my world. I'd love to tell you it's short lived but dd is 24, dsd is 22 and as bad as each other (full time here)

Are you serious? How and why do you tolerate it?

Surely their father makes them clean it up? I would not allow them in the house otherwise.

If he can't pick up after himself and put his rubbish in the bin then he doesn't eat the snacks. He will soon start if he means he can't have any goodies 🤷🏻‍♀️