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Step-parenting

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Original poster

On holiday step daughter won't talk or do anything

28 replies

Plankingplanks · 18/07/2023 13:33

We are in the USA with the whole family. Step daughter (16) wanted to come. We explained that we would be doing a long road trip to see family, she was happy enough to come along. We are visiting family all around and she made friends with my niece and invited her to come on the trip as company for her. My kids dipped out and are staying with other family and friends.

We start road trip and step daughter has barely spoken to us or my niece for two days. She has always been super socially awkward but this is so anxiety inducing for us all. If she is asked she just says she is ok. But she's not engaging at all. My poor niece has been sat on her own being ignored for 2 days.

DH and I have tried to talk to her but she seems to just be shut down. Then, we went to bed last night and the girls were giggling away seemingly having a great time. It's as if she can't interact with anyone when we are there- so stuck in a car for ages has been difficult.

We are all on edge because of it and I know she is probably miserable but nothing seems to get her out of her shell. I normally get on fine with her but it's like she is totally overwhelmed (she's never really gone on holiday before).

Anyone got any ideas as to what I can do?

OP posts:
namechangenacy · 18/07/2023 13:39

She maybe having sensory overload. Is there time she can have to decompress alone ? In a quite calm place ?

Could it be hormones or period or something like that ? Teens are known for this type of stuff tbh.

Original poster
Plankingplanks · 18/07/2023 13:52

There hasn't been for the last 2 days whilst we travelled but otherwise she has had her own room everywhere we have gone.

I feel so helpless to help her manage, I have boys the same age and they are outgoing and speak to anyone and everyone so this feels so awkward. We are all trying really hard to help her cope but feel a bit stuck now. I hate to think that she isn't enjoying herself.

As soon as there are no adults around she seems to be fine.

I just feel super stressed all the time and normally I love being here with family.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 18/07/2023 14:41

There's a massive leap from never really going on holiday before to the trip you have gone on. She's probably completely overwhelmed.

Its good that she's able to relax with less people around. How is she with just her and her dad? Or you and her? Could a bit extra 1:1 help?

Maddy70 · 18/07/2023 14:43

Stop trying to force this. She is having fun of you can hear them laughing give them plenty of time to themselves adults are tedious and boring at that age

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/07/2023 14:46

Super socially awkward says ND to me

My Dd is ND. She couldn’t cope with being with the same person all the time. Especially as she didn’t even know them.

SallyWD · 18/07/2023 14:46

I really don't think there's anything you can do. You can't make someone come out of their shell. I'd just let her be. Maybe put the radio on to drown out the silence! Make sure she and your niece have time alone whenever possible.

PizzaPastaWine · 18/07/2023 14:48

Is she usually like this at home?

stickygotstuck · 18/07/2023 14:59

OP, you said I have boys the same age and they are outgoing and speak to anyone and everyone so this feels so awkward

It's you who feels awkward and you are probably just projecting. There is a lot to be said for some silence during a trip. Relax and you'll feel less awkward.

Leave the kids to it. They are communicating happily at times, neither of them has complailned. Not everybody feels the need to fill every silence. Your SD is less chatty than your boys, and your niece seems happy to adapt. Happy days.

She'll probably come to life intermittently when she's had time to process and adapt.

And I must agreee with ArseInTheCoOpWindow that ND is a possibility.

MintJulia · 18/07/2023 15:01

If she's 16, has she just finished her gcses? My ds 15 has just finished year 10 exams and he's shattered. He just wants to curl up and sleep, read or play on his switch. He won't want to talk for a week or so.

Perhaps if you get it out in the open. Just say 'We know you're shattered, you want to be left along, so we'll leave you until you're ready to join in. ' And leave it at that. Wait for her to come to you.

Ponderingwindow · 18/07/2023 15:04

During the car portions of our long drives in the USA, my ND teenager uses her phone or small game device and has noise canceling headphones. She only really engages at stops. We are totally fine with this.

HellonHeels · 18/07/2023 15:09

Bet she loves being compared to your super outgoing and speaking to anyone boys 🙄

Leave her be. Maybe she'd like to listen to music or audio books on headphones while in the car? The obligation to be outgoing while stuck in close quarters with other people is an expectation too far.

fridaynight1 · 18/07/2023 15:19

4 people squished in a car, chattering away for hours on end would be my worst nightmare. Is there music on as well? Because that would tip me over the edge.

Some people prefer peace and quiet. Perhaps she just wants no noise - there is nothing wrong with silence.

SemperIdem · 18/07/2023 16:58

Is she not just chilling in the car, looking at the scenery, minding her own business?

I’m twice her age and am perfectly happy to sit quietly with my thoughts/music/a book on a long car journey. I feel not desire to speak incessantly and actively dislike loudness in small spaces.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 18/07/2023 18:28

Is she missing her Mum?

whatchagonnado · 18/07/2023 20:26

She'll defrost in a few days. The good thing is she is giggling away with the other girl. Don't force it and she'll soon join in.

OhComeOnFFS · 18/07/2023 20:27

fridaynight1 · 18/07/2023 15:19

4 people squished in a car, chattering away for hours on end would be my worst nightmare. Is there music on as well? Because that would tip me over the edge.

Some people prefer peace and quiet. Perhaps she just wants no noise - there is nothing wrong with silence.

But presumably you wouldn't then go on a road trip with three other people?

namechangenacy · 18/07/2023 20:47

I think your getting a battering here op tbh.

A 16 year old could have made a informed choice about whether they would want to be in a car with other people and if they wanted silence - (which is fair - it's my version of hell) they didn't have to come. They aren't a toddler.

It's baffling to me that because one person wants silence everyone else must be silent.

Obviously it's fine for her to be silent and chill a bit but changing the mood for everybody else because they are making noise is ridiculous. If she's being sulky/stroppy pull her up on it (because that's bad manners) you can quietly chill and not do this.

If she's just being non talkative (and not sulking huffing) I would let her be.

The devils in the detail with this one.

Jimminir · 18/07/2023 21:42

My dsd is like this at home when she’s with us.

It’s honestly so draining and down right annoying. Ask her multiple questions to get a conversation going and she never says anymore more then ‘yeh, no, ok’. Never asks a question back either.

She comes across as rude as hell when we are out so we have now started arranging all social events for the times she’s not with us as it’s so painful and embarrassing when we are out. People think she ungrateful and find being around her awkward as you never ever get anything back.

She came over this weekend, sat in the front room for half hour and then went up to her bedroom for the rest of the night. Only came down to eat and then back up to her bedroom. Everyone else is sat in the front room chatting and watching tv.

It’s hard work when our daughter is the opposite.

You have my sympathy.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 19/07/2023 07:12

Agree with @namechangenacy but if she's an awkward teen who has never been on holiday before it must be one hell of a culture shock!
I would get her dad to have a chat away from the other girl. Its not fair that she's changing the entire mood, I know how anxiety inducing that can be. Pull her up but gently. She's old enough to get it.

Original poster
Plankingplanks · 23/07/2023 14:02

@Jimminir yes that sounds exactly like DSD, however she appears to have come out of her shell a bit this week. She has even got in the pool! Shock horror!!

@namechangenacy she isn't huffing at all, just non communicative. Although she just told me that she actually likes being in the car and driving!! 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 24/07/2023 14:31

@Plankingplanks I think she just may be enjoying holidays in her own way! some people love long car trips but they will never speak one word - just stay in their head / listen to music.

On top of that if she has never been on holiday like this it may well be all so new, a lot to take in, and she is just slowly digesting it. If she says she's enjoying her time - let her! She probably is :)

PaintedEgg · 24/07/2023 14:33

oh and btw - im speaking from experience :) my dad used to get annoyed when i wouldn't talk on road trips, but my mum always waved away his concerns by letting him know im fine, just enjoying the trip in my own way

i remember it being very reassuring and without pressure to "be more engaged" my awkward teen self actually got more involved in things.

TheCatterall · 24/07/2023 14:57

Please leave her be @Plankingplanks shes obviously happy enough and very much different to your boys.

constantly trying to draw someone that’s introverted out of their ‘shell’ makes us feel worse. It makes us feel not good enough. Lacking.

she’s obviously happy enough based on your updates. She just enjoys herself differently. Quietly.

don’t push your expectations for behaviour and socialising on her please.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 24/07/2023 15:31

fridaynight1 · 18/07/2023 15:19

4 people squished in a car, chattering away for hours on end would be my worst nightmare. Is there music on as well? Because that would tip me over the edge.

Some people prefer peace and quiet. Perhaps she just wants no noise - there is nothing wrong with silence.

But she CHOSE to come with them, even though none of the others did - Even if she is ND, she must have realised what would be involved.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 24/07/2023 15:34

Xpost @Plankingplanks

Leave her be.
She says she is enjoying herself like this, with minimal talking. I wouldnt be surprised that she is actually like this normally but it’s not as obvious (she’ll go to her room, do stuff Wo you etc… So the silent times won’t be as noticeable).

id check more on your niece who might well have expected more engagement from dsd.