I Feel Like I Have Been Erased

[SpinalTap7]

I am writing on this as feel like I am losing my mind. I met the man of my dreams eleven years ago. We were friends first and it felt clear the chemistry was so there and is so there now. I knew that to be with him I was to be taking on his daughter who very sadly lost her mum to cancer at the age of seven. We took a long time to introduce me and there were problems from the start with mums mother and brother who were used to things being a certain way. We ended up not talking for a while after her grandmother telling me that I was trying too hard and that I was mentally unwell. She has since died.
It is never been easy. SD has rightly and understandably always wanted/needed a close relationship with her father. It could not have been easy with me coming along. I suggested that they went out once a week together when I first arrived and they did as I could see how much she needed this. it has felt like a challenging ten years. We have been through so much with her involving the police several times, constant lying, attention needing on such a large scale, temporarily adopting other families as her own and self harming for years which felt so hard and taking her to counselling , supporting, listening, whatever we could to help her through her pain. Not being able to have children myself I always felt that she was a gift to me in some way and hopefully I was there to help and support her. Her father works hard, was in great debt at first after everything he had been through but has worked hard to pay this all off. We are both self employed so pretty occupied a large part of the time. There were so many good times too.
Fast forward to today. SD has moved to college last year. Tragically after the first two weeks she had to return to be with her beloved dog to be put down. In hindsight we wished she hadn't of been there as this trauma has deeply affected her. What started as a new life for her this event seemingly tipped her over the edge. I suggested counselling which has clearly helped her a lot. After starting college she would come home and shout at me and disrespect me and for the first time my husband did not step in. She made my husband cry with her anger and attitude. This behaviour has escalated throughout the year and I have felt very alone in this to the point where she was so rude I suggested that she stayed with her uncle. She has never forgiven me for this and my husband who quite often has his head in his phone whilst I am dealing with this. We both got covid really badly this year and all she could say was that she didn't like my tone on the phone like I couldn't wait to get off the phone fast enough (I had had pneumonia and was struggling to talk for that long) I chosen informed her that for the sake of our relationship I was going to take a temporary break as the insults by test were coming long and fast (my husband refused to read them) and I couldn't take anymore. two weeks ago the most brutal of emails followed to her father. An email which informed him that I was mentally unwell, good luck to him for putting up with me, that she, "saw red flags from the beginning" and that she was never coming home again but that she is very depressed and needs a relationship with him. This email has thrown me through a loop. I feel very conflicted, initially, very used but gutted that I have given what I have. This email was so personal, so brutal not just in their personal assessment of me but the fact that she was worried about him. My husband is sixteen years older than me and we have been so looking forward to starting our new life together. After all these years it still feels like this is going to continue to be a problem. My husband wants it resolved but knows how much this email has deeply affected me. I do not expect thanks for bringing her up but at the very least some respect. I feel that I cannot be in the same room with her anytime soon, if at all as the email was so brutal I threw up all night in complete shock. I will cope with it but to see him enjoying a relationship with her is painful yet it so needs to happen but it feels like she is calling all the shots by not coming home like I am some monster when all I want is some respect. He seems suddenly uncomfortable which telling her that he doesn't like how she has spoken to me. Sorry this is a long one. Thanks and any advice is welcome as my husband is so torn and worried about her mental health but feels disloyal if he carries on like nothing has happened. He has told her that he will not see her without me, that we are a team and now she is saying she is so depressed she may hurt herself. Should I just get on with my life and let them get on with it? It feels like this is the only way but my husband feels so upset at how she has treated me. I worry about where we go from here and sometimes feel that if I wasn't in this I would not have caused her so much pain but after a life of many losses through my life through illness and losing my parents young I felt and still feel so happy with this man.

So so sorry this has happened to you. I've got no answer as never been a step parent. But my thought is that you should just let them have their time together and be out of her life for moment. This may not always be the case, teenagers are a notoriously contrary bunch. But as she's obviously not mentally well and threatening self harm her dad needs to help her at the same time letting her know he will not be leaving you. Probably not great advice but all I've got. Really hope you sort it😊 stay strong

This is a terrible situation to be caught in the middle of. She probably has a lot of anger toward the world and unfortunately she has directed it at you. You seem to really care about her, but I think you need to let your partner deal with it.

Move out, you don’t need to end the relationship but you really need your own space that she can’t come into. Block all communication from her, let her have her home with her dad when she is back from college.

She isn’t suddenly going to change, she will probably need to work through her issues for years before coming out the other side if she does at all. Her dad needs to deal with this not you, by you not being there he can’t sit with his face in his phone pretending it is not happening. Give them the space to work through it. You can’t replace her mum, even though you have good intentions it’s just making it harder for her.

Rent or buy something close by so you can not be there when she is home.

Her anger at losing her mother and all the changes in her family can be removed in different ways at different developmental stages. She may be reiterating some of her anger into you as the mother figure. Adolescence is hard enough without all the trauma and baggage she has already.

Only seeing you together is a terrible idea. It completely invalidates her feelings and denies her a relationship with her father during one of the hardest stages of life when she is already struggling and isn’t even yet an adult.

One of the things about being a parent is that, in the end, the important thing is for them to grow up well and independent, and whether they like you or are grateful is secundary. You have done your bit and I hope you have had good times. Now step back.

My SIL was a bit like your SD, jealous of her step mother. But she ended up looking after her night and day during her final illness

and my husband who quite often has his head in his phone whilst I am dealing with this.

He needs to get his head out of his areas and his phone and deal with his dd.

If I were you, I'd step right back. She sounds like more trouble than she's worth.

What joy is she bringing to your life?

Is your h worth all the aggro??

This sounds so distressing OP. I feel sorry for you all. I hope she will continue with the therapy and gradually start to see your relationship differently as she matures and sees things less in black and white. This might not happen for years or at the very worst, at all. I agree with those saying let her see her DF on his own. I don’t think this should finish you and your DPs relationship though, as there sounds to be so much love between you. She should not be given the power to break you up. That isn’t a good life lesson for her to have and is wrong for you and DP too.
Can you and DP get some counselling too? It sounds like you both need some support right now 💐

I would think if you move out she might move in . Not good for you and definitely not good for her. She needs to gain her independence.
Whatanout DH buying a small flat or doing Airbnb when she visits for the time being. If you aren’t there she can’t blame you.

And she has him to herself.
Perhaps for 6months to see if this settliles her. Gives you a break. Then reconsider

Your husband should have your back on this. It is not acceptable in anyway to send someone a burn letter like that.

Don't move out. That's a terrible idea. Your DH needs to step up and deal with it.

If she can't be civil in your home then she isn't welcome. He must see her elsewhere.

Does she still live with you or at college? If she doesn't live with you anymore I would just stay out of it, let him see her separately and let go of the relationship.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this.

She lives at college and is currently staying at her boyfriends. I totally agree with your advice. I have no choice but to have nothing more to do with this situation. It has been a bitter pill to swallow. I just cannot do this anymore.

Thank you for your advice. Both of us agree with your advice. He is going to reiterate this to her otherwise all the cards are in her hands but it is difficult as she has got mental health problems but it shouldn't mean that my husband shouldn't feel afraid to say this to her. Thank you for your advice x

He is horrified and disgusted by it and seeing the affect it has had on both of us. He is struggling to have any form of relationship given the viciousness of the email. He was firm but clear in his response but she is like a dog with a bone and will not let go or take any form of responsibility for her part to play in all this. I have a saying which helps me which is that there is no blame but responsibility. My time for me and for them to find their own way, with love, with their relationship. Thank you for your advice x

if your DH previously went out once a week with her and without you, why not do that again? once a month rather than once a week if needed. but give them some time together where he focuses on her not the phone.

if she comes to your house, she should be civil to you and accept that you are there. but let her and her dad keep working on their relationship separately.

You are being blamed / targetted / scapegoated because you are standing where her mum, in her head, should be. Perhaps loosing the dog, brought back ths trauma of loosing her mum. Your dh has a lot of work to do, and needs to spend a lot of one on one time with her to enable her to feel reconnected. I would say don't take this personally, it isn't about you, she sounds like a very unwell young woman who needs a lot of professional and emotional support.

This.

I don't think your DH should have told her he won't see her without you. I think he can continue to see her on his own but he has to make it very clear to her that her behaviour towards you is disgusting and won't be tolerated. He can put a boundary in place by which of she speaks ill of you he'll leave/hang up or whatever.

I think you need to take a step back from her to protect yourself. Block her texts and emails. If she decides she wants to see you or apologize she can let your DH know but until then keep her blocked.

It's a shame it's come to this after everything you've done for her. I think in time she'll likely come round and realise she's being an absolute dickhead but you do not need to tolerate the abuse in the meantime.

It can't be easy losing your mum at such a young age but it's really not an excuse to behave like this.

This sounds so very sad. I feel sorry for both of you.

The poor girl is clearly deeply affected by her mother's death. Such a bereavement is a trauma many people simply can't deal with and undoubtedly the death of her pet will have been another trigger.

I do feel though that she should be able to see her dad without you. Otherwise her one remaining parent is abandoning her in her eyes and will possibly have such a significant effect on her mental health that she may well not come back from it.

Of course this does not excuse the vitriol and disrespect against you....but it's an explanation for it. She's railing against the world for the cards she has been dealt and sometimes we take our anger out on those closest to us.

Dad should see her without you. The ultimatum is a terrible idea and will prove to her that you are the problem as in her twisted thinking everything would be perfect if you weren't around.
Things have escalated to this point because dad was buried in his phone. Head in sand is easier in the moment but creates future issues.
She will probably test him by dropping your name into conversation. Dad needs to think about where his boundaries lie and how he will react when his dd tests those boundaries so she learns a lesson that should have been learned a long time ago.

You should step back. There is nothing to be gained by anyone by starting this as a group of 3.

Your husbands selfishness, laziness and sticking his head in the sand has created this situation.

I feel sorry for you having wasted so much of your life with such a selfish person.

He's conflicted now because he will be thinking of himself and his comfort going forward.

You would have definitely been better to have left years ago.

You have tolerated far too much.

Step away 100%.

Your husband can see her often but elsewhere, not in your home.

Do not be used further by him to dump on you about her.

Get some counselling for yourself.

You have been used by him for a very thankless job.

This could have been sorted years ago if your husband hadn't been so lazy and selfish.

Hopefully she will mature and grow up, but if not, you shouldn't ever allow yourself to be their emotional punching bag again.

So he made you the disciplinarian throughout difficult teenage years while he sat back for an easy ride? How awful.

I think in time she'll come back to you but for now don't stop her seeing her dad without you (that does make you the bad guy I'm afraid). Be consistent with sending her gifts and cards for her birthday so she knows you love her despite everything. And have a chat with your DH about how he's going to handle it when she complains about you to him.

She went through an awful trauma, obviously, but the way she is dealing with it also indicates she has been spoilt and pandered too (not by you). Hopefully she'll mature out of it.

Why wouldn't he read the texts? I think he needs to know everything hiding from the truth isn't helping the situation. She obviously needs more help perhaps they should do counselling together so he has a chance to hear her

Totally agree with this. You moving out of your home would just make you feel further erased from your own life. Your husband should find somewhere, rented, AirBnB, whatever to spend time with his daughter whilst you get on with your own life. Wishing you strength and peace @SpinalTap7 🌹

Thank you everyone for all of your messages of support and advice. It's amazing how your life can turn on a sixpence but in many ways I welcome the change of not having to endure her behaviour anymore. This is my time now and I will only spend it on people who I feel deserve my time and energy thank you everyone it has helped both of us to get through this x

Just read your thread. My heart goes out to you. How are things now?

I don't know if this will help at all, but I was 13 when mum died. Actually it was 2 weeks before my 14th birthday. Dad was already living with my step mother so I had to move straight in with them. It was different in that my step mum had four kids (only one living at home) and made no pretence that her kids weren't number one 🙄 Dad was a real disciplinarian and always took her side when she was annoyed at me. Looking back I was often a twat but hey, mum had died. My teens (and tbh my twenties) were a total mess mental health wise. I cut, I tried to kill myself numerous times, I was a mess. Dad and step mum just came down on me like a ton of bricks, clearly they didn't know what to do but at the time it just made it feel even more like they hated me.

One weekend my dad and I were on our own and it was still, to this day and I'm now in my 40s, the best weekend of my life. I actually felt like he cared about me, that I mattered.

We all get on really well now. We can joke about how shit we all were in the past, but we enjoy each others company.

I know it's not the same as your situation (I can totally see 18yr old me sending a cunty email if I wasn't so terrified of my dad!) but maybe step back. Let them spend time together. Accept that she's been a dick but she is still a kid and whether she admits it it not, she will still be feeling the pain of her mum dying. It's hard, it's shit, for everyone but the teen years are shit even without your mum dying and feeling like everyone else has moved on but you're just forgotten about. I know that isn't how you've made your SD feel, but that's how she may feel.