I've failed to create a bond with my SC

[lollystickss]

This is me asking for advice.

4 years living with their dad, blended family. And I just feel like I haven't made a bond with them (boys aged 9 and 12).
I've struggled with step-parenting if I'm honest. We do get on for the most part though, there's just a lack of bond there.

I gave them a lift this morning and it almost felt difficult to make conversation.

I want to make a bond though. I feel if I don't make a solid effort now then it won't happen. I also feel like it's a bit strange to be putting loads of effort in after 4 years and don't want to make any of us uncomfortable with it.

Anyone relate to this, and any advice?

What does a bond look and feel like to you?

I’d try and take an interest in their interests as a gentle start point. I’ve learnt loads from my step kids by doing that. Lego (haaaate it), history, flags, glitter tattoos, Harry Potter, cooking, baking, the Romans, code breakers in the War, all sorts.

I try and remember things they’ve done at school, about friendship highs and lows, extra curricular stuff they’re into.

I wonder if you are looking for something that is already there, just not in the way society makes you feel it should be.

What kind of interactions do you have with them?

I don’t really have any advice (I’m in the same boat).

I have 2 DSC (now 14 & 17). I’ve know them for 9 years, lived wirg there dad for 6.

I have absolutely no relationship with the older girl, the younger boy is better. It’s sad and I’ve really tried.

Unfortunately for me they have a very bitter & toxic mother who bad mouths me (and their father) & has created a loyalty bind - the kids aren’t ‘allowed’ to engage or display any relationship, or have any fun here.

Look up the NACHO method of SP - it’s helped me immensely and I’ve disengaged. You can’t force a relationship if they don’t want one.

How much time do you spend with them one on one? What routines and memories do you share?

May also be their ages and them being boys. A lot of boys that age are hard to get 2 words out of.

I second what someone else said, you can’t force it, none of you can. It’s very normal not to bond with some people, we don’t bond with everyone we meet and spend time with. Others we click instantly. Children are no different.

@AnneLovesGilbert just being comfortable with each other would probably be my first thing.

@lunar1 not really any proper interactions beyond necessities I suppose?

@NorthernSpirit @MissyPea I definitely agree with this however I don't feel so much as it's been tried and hasn't happened and now can't force it rather than self admittance that I haven't tried at all really. I 100% take full blame for the fact a bond wasn't built with them, I just usually feel so burnt out with everything else that I've struggled, but it's definitely my own fault.

Please don’t place blame on yourself, it sounds like you’re trying really hard, to the point you’re burnt out. No wonder you’re struggling, most people would. You haven’t done anything wrong to take any blame. The expectation that we bond instantly is completely ridiculous. Some never bond at all. Others take years and years. Some biological parents don’t bond even.

don't place blame on yourself. Take it slowly.

Get to know them as you would a friend's child without putting yourself under immense pressure to create a magical bond right away.

You're doing a great job, give yourself a break, this is hard x

I have been living with my partner for 5 years and I have zero bond with his son. His daughter and I get on okay, and she's chatty etc. his son comes in, gives me evils and just sits there. Doesn't eat anything I cook or make, just goes home to his mum hungry. He's very much a mummy boy so I don't feel he wants to like me.