How/when do you get used to the change?

[Recycledasdabag]

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years and been involved in his daughters life for a year. I have a daughter too and she has a fantastic bond with my partner, although with the age gap difference doesn’t spend a lot of time with his daughter. (My daughter 13 and his 9)

We don’t live together, we took our relationship very slow for the first 2 years but now it feels much more serious I know we should be taking steps towards more.

He has his daughter once during a weekday and then every other weekend. She asked for a sleepover so we gave it a try and to be entirely honest, I hated every moment.

I have a good relationship with her in general, we have fun when we see each other and she tells her friends at school about her new ‘step mum’, yet I’m finding it hard to adjust to having her in my life. (Not personal, id probably feel the same about any child in this position). It’s not the step child/parent situation, it’s her behaviour and personality that it makes it so difficult.

My partner is very happy about the sleepover and wants to do it at least every 2/3 weekend stays he has her, but I don’t particularly want it to happen again. I know it may spell the end of our relationship, as we cannot progress further or live together, but it’s now making me dread any time spent with him and his daughter together.

He’s a completely different person around her, and not in a good way. He becomes snappy and impatient towards me (not aggressive or abusive, but focuses 100% attention on his daughter that I become irrelevant). My daughter is often missed out when in general he treats her like a daughter when his daughter isn’t with us. She gets the final say on anything, even meals which I have to pay for and cook. If my daughter doesn’t want to do something that his daughter wants to do, he doesn’t outright express it but I can tell he’s annoyed. It’s started making me resent both him and his daughter for coming into our lives. I love him and want us to work but I don’t know how to overlook the negatives. He is admittedly a Disney dad and the poor child hasn’t been raised with manners or respect, she doesn’t like the (child friendly) rules I have in my house. When she leaves both I and my daughter feel relief.

The thing that triggered this most is that last night she woke me up at 2.30 by jumping on me in bed, asking for crisps because she was hungry. I told her no go back to sleep so she woke her dad to ask, he rolled over and ignored her. So I got up and sent her back to bed asking her to consider the time and my daughter being woken too, also that she hurt me whilst jumping on me (I have a large bruise). She didn’t go back to sleep and I could hear her singing, humming, tapping and fidgeting until I finally lost my patience got up at 6. I told my partner it isn’t acceptable and he said he’d talk to her. (She is like this at home too so it isn’t because of a new environment).

She then raided my cupboards while I was in the shower, ate 2 huge bowls of my daughters cereal leaving her without breakfast (I made partner replace it so my daughter could eat, as she admitted to eating it all on purpose) then emptied the ‘game cupboard’ leaving pieces everywhere because she wanted the one at the bottom, which she refused to clear up so I done it. My partner took her home because he could see I was frustrated. I always knew she was a little difficult and put it down to changes, but after finding she is like this with everyone I think the problem goes slightly deeper.

im now laying in bed not able to sleep because I don’t know what to do. No child is perfect, I know that from experience, but am I really willing to correct poor behaviour and manners in someone else’s child? The list goes on with things she has done or said that have taken me aback, but I ignore it because she is my partners child and they come as a package.

After my rant I guess what I’m asking is, have any of you ladies experienced this and persevered until things improved? Is there anything I can do to make things better or is it really a sign it’s over? Does it make me a bad person to refuse she sleeps over again, even if we did stay together and eventually live together too? I’m so torn because my relationship is everything I ever wanted, but the minute his daughter is around it changes and makes me so stressed, I wouldn’t know where to start with this sort of conversation as it would essentially be me badmouthing his child which I don’t want to do. Any advice would be helpful, even if it’s to tell me I’m an awful human.

I found alot of things about my DSD very irritating at first, she was a young child and young children are irritating, especially to people who aren't used to being around them. We got used to each other and she outgrew her irritating young child ways (and into her irritating pre teen ways! 😆)
But she was and is a good kid and DH was all over it as a parent. No way on earth would I have been expected to deal with a hyperactive child who essentially just attacked me at 2 in the morning. What the actual fuck?
The man should have been absolutely mortified and up in a flash to deal with his child's bratty behaviour, not rolling over and leaving it to you.
You don't really have a say in how he parents but at the same time he doesn't get to drag up a PITA of a child then expect other people to particularly want to be around that child.
I'd be straight with him and say you are not willing to take over dealing with his child, nor are you willing to have her disrupt your child. So not more sleep overs and you just casually date.
Or throw him back, as I couldn't look at him the same way after seeing his approach to parenting. It's disrespectful to you, but also to his child who he is badly letting down.

I wouldn't be having her to stay again with that kind of behaviour. You'll end up having to do his parenting for him as he clearly can't be arsed.

OP,

I mean this kindly but this is not a good man.

He's a shit father and the fact that he is snappy with you in YOUR house should be enough to end it.

His childs behaviour is awful and you need to start putting your child first.

These are not people you want around your child.

If you care for your child and her childhood, you will end things.

Him and his daughter's behaviour could ruin your childs home life.

His daughters behaviour is dreadful and not normal clearly from the jumping on you and obviously hurting you.

Of course her loser father is happy at using you and your home on his weekend but you need to stop this now.

It will never work out and your poor child would be the huge loser in all of this.

Do not inflict his child on yours again.

Thanks all, I know you’re all right I think I’m just in denial and not sure how to process it.
would her behaviour signal ADHD or something similar? She’s very full on during the day time, you can see she is extremely tired by evening but she will fight it. Then her sleep is broken to the point she will have a total of 6 hours a night, if that. She will still be full of energy and at home she will apparently watch a movie mid way through the night or rearrange her bedroom before another short sleep. To me this flags up something a bit more serious or am I just over thinking it?
I am angry at my partner for how he handles her behaviour, although I consider the fact he doesn’t see her enough to actively parent and change her behaviour (living the opposite side of the U.K. to each other) so it could be a lack of confidence on his part (not making excuses, just basing it on the anxious type of person he is)

Your post has brought back a lot of memories from the early stages of blending our families. We had jumping in the bed (from my DD, DP didn't like it), squeezing between us on the couch (his DD), squabbles between DC, etc. And we both found it difficult to maintain and develop the new relationships that we were forming with each other's children in the presence of our own children who might - and did - feel jealous.

One thing we did when we decided we wanted to work towards living together was to write a list of house rules and routines that we could agree on together. It meant compromises from both of us, and a big change from solo parenting where what you say goes so you don't need to write it all down. We then both started gradually implementing the new rules so that by the time we moved in together there weren't so many changes for the kids. Rules covered things like what food they were allowed to help themselves to, sharing of possessions, bedtimes, bed-sharing. Some of them we wrote down and pinned on the fridge when we moved in, others were more parenting changes we needed to make.

We did spend quite a bit of time visiting and had the odd sleepover, though the younger two kids found them quite different (DSS was very territorial and didn't like DD in his space). We actually found a holiday all together in a neutral space was a better way of getting used to each other.

If you can't see your DP making the kind of compromises needed to become a family then I don't think there's much future for you (unless you live apart for the next 10 years or so). The compromises can't all be yours and DD's. But it's worked for us. I love my DSC and couldn't imagine life without them all in it, and don't think my own DC could either.

She actually does sound very much like my DC who was diagnosed with ADHD at 7. But the thing is that even if that's the case, you're still going to be dealing with the behaviour -- which is hard enough to deal with in your own beloved child!

If your DP cannot see why this behaviour would be irritating to you and expects you to enjoy being around it, then I can't see the relationship working, because he will always be delusional about his daughter and expect unrealistic enthusiasm from you.

I think you probably need to give it more than one go if you actually want to remain in the relationship (I can't tell if this is an excuse to break up???) first sleepover at your house and he's going to be on edge and trying to please her, he's also trying to redress the normal dominance of the resident child.

Perhaps you aren't cut out for a relationship with a man with a child?

Don't put the blame on the OP - this sounds like a particularly difficult child whose father is doing nothing about the behaviour.

I have read about mini wife syndrome and wondered if she is doing it from jealousy, but it’s definitely a behaviour that has increased over time as she’s got older.

Its not an excuse to break up, my op says I don’t want to break up hence why I’m trying to work out what to do about how I feel.

My partner is a very enthusiastic dad who thinks the world revolves around his child, he doesn’t have realistic views of raising a child as he hasn’t been a full time dad to her before (he and his ex split before she was born) whereas I have boundaries, discipline and rules as the adult to the child. It’s not my place to fix her behaviour but simultaneously I don’t need this kind of behaviour from a 9 year old who should know better. When she isn’t around everyone is more relaxed and happy, and my partner goes back to being himself.

If I suggest taking her to the gp for a diagnosis I can’t see it going down very well. I couldn’t speak maliciously about an innocent child, but she is very draining to be around which is hard for anybody, even if she were my own child I’d feel the same but I’d have the authority to change it. It’s difficult accepting the dynamic when I have no say yet disagree with how she’s been/being raised. If it’s something that improves with time I could persevere, but if I knew she’d be like this forever more I couldn’t.

My experience of step parenting is that - if your DP is on board - you can do a bit to enforce 'house rules' that you both agree with. But 'child improvement projects' are the domain of the parents and in practice, the parent they live with. 'Fixing' the symptoms of ADHD isn't easy and not something you're likely to be able to do. A more realistic option is probably to try to work on the way to react to her, but at accept that she's always going to be a bouncy and impulsive girl who doesn't find it easy to sit quietly. You don't need to love her the way you do your own DD, but you do need to understand her, find some things you like any her, and develop a bit of fondness for her. If that really isn't there, and you can't see it ever being there, it's not fair in anyone to move in together.

You have separate homes, if the situation doesn’t improve after talking to your partner then keep it separate. There’s no rules to say you have to live together (besides the ones we make for ourselves) to continue a relationship. Sleep overs can be at his place.
If things aren’t working as they are, do what does work.

Welcome to the Disney World.
Do you not know what to do? Do nothing. No more sleepovers since it is just chaos and unnecessary stress.
He isn't a good dad.
Don't force yourself to do or feel anything.

This.

The fact that he left you to deal with his child at 2am, says it all. He can't be arsed to parent properly and is expecting you to do it for him. I wouldn't invite your DSD to stay again, joint sleep-overs can be at his house, where he cooks and he deals with nighttime tantrums.

It won't get any better over time, in fact it will possibly just get worse. Think very seriously if this is the sort of relationship you want to be part of.

Your poor child having this loser and his daughter foisted on her.

So sad that you are so cavalier about how this chaos must impact her in HER home.

Your child should be your priority, not parenting the child of a lazy selfish Disney dad waster in your home, where you have a child.

Keep separate homes and say to your dp it's become clear you have different parenting styles and the girls are clearly struggling with it and it would be best if you just date until they leave the house.

Don't move in with him op. You will be made the bad guy and also the workhorse all wrapped into one.

As a mum can you imagine your dd jumping on your partner in the night and then you rolling over and letting him deal with it? If the answer is a hard no, then you need to look at why he would think this is ok and the likely good of it happening again