Break up - saying goodbye to ex’s kids after break up

[Menora]

Hi, without ins and outs my DP has decided our relationship is over. I did not do anything wrong like cheat or lie he doesn’t love me anymore. I have grown to love his DC and have known them since they were very young and I have had no chance to say goodbye. Ex DP has not spoken to me since our breakup and I am not sure he will, he’s a coward and handled our break up in my opinion, disrespectfully

Anyway, I don’t know what to do about the DC. I really am very sad and will miss them, I’ve never tried to be their parent but I spent a lot of time with them. I have no right to say goodbye and I don’t expect ex to facilitate anything (he would handle it badly I’m sure). I’m also sure he is going to avoid saying anything and just hope they don’t notice my disappearance 😑. The little girl was particularly close to me and I just feel sad about never seeing them again.

however, I just feel it might be a nice gesture to buy them a small personal gift and a little card and send them a little (cheerful) note from me so that it’s left on a nice memory not a sad one? I’m able to drop it to his parents house then he can decide if he doesn't want them to have it?

would you just leave it and walk away and do nothing, or would you make a gesture to the DC? I’m not doing it for ex I just wonder if this is the wrong/right way to go about things - or do you just vanish?

How long were you together and how old are the children?

4 years and they are both primary ages, 6 and 9

Gosh that's hard on them, and on you, I'm sorry. Hopefully someone will come along with wise words.

That does sound like a difficult and sad thing for them and you. I think I’d feel like doing the small cheerful gesture to end on a nice note too. I don’t think it’s unreasonable or over reaching.

Oh op, I really feel for you. What a cowardly man he is. Do the children know? He can’t expect you to just disappear from their lives, at his behest and there be no consequences.

I separated from a partner who I had been with since my daughter was very young. She was heartbroken.

I’d have rather never set sight on him again after separating, but I recognised that they had their own relationship and it was cruelty to just make him disappear from her life. End result is they still see each other and face time, years on.

It might fizzle out as more years roll by but it’s right for them both for now.

If that’s not sometime that is feasible in your situation, maybe give them something they can keep, to remind them of you?

I just wanted to send you a virtual hug.

You sound lovely and I'm sorry it hasn't worked out.

To actually answer your question I think I'd ask the ex partner if it was ok to give a gift / note and go from there.

He has text my adult DC so I am going to go ahead and get them something anyway. Thanks though

I have no right to say goodbye

I think the children have rights in this situation. They've got to know you and have not chosen to stop seeing you. They are individuals who would have become attached to you, as children can't help but become attached to the people in their lives.

Surely it is up to them if they want to remain in contact with you. It says a lot about him that he treats his children like they are his property and not individual human beings.

@P1ckledonionz no it isn’t that. I think he doesn’t want it to upset them obviously and deal with them being upset. He is a decent dad in that respect that he cares for their well-being but lots of things have happened that have strained my relationships with the DC tbh in recent weeks.

He wasn’t supportive of me in the sense of integrating me into their lives beyond me tagging along to things, I think he knew he didn’t want to be with me deep down so I was making all the effort. If they backchatted me he rarely told them off. He also is a passive parent so they pretty much rule the roost and he would allow the DC to force me out of bed or swap seats while I was eating, make rude comments, no one ever listened to me when I said anything and the last time we all hung out I got the feeling they were all just waiting for me to go home so they could relax. He literally never tells them off for anything at all until he loses his temper and yells at them and makes them cry whereas I would spent time explaining to them why they should eat their dinner or do as they had been asked to do (pick something up or help). They both still sleep in his bed so there was no space for me often, and if I objected he was too lazy to put them back into their beds so I would end up in their beds.

The one that did it for me was I created this fun game for everyone to enjoy - I had played it with my niece and nephew of the exact same ages and they really liked it and we all played it happily for ages. So I spent ages recreating this game thinking they would also love it and it was awful, they kept smashing everything up, snatching things off me, pushing me out of the game completely so I wasn’t able to actually play it with them and they destroyed it. The whole weekend just got worse and worse, backchatting me, demanding things and being rude.

It’s not the DC fault, I was an outsider as he wanted it that way. However I did spend time doing all the things you do - helping them do things, talking to them, playing with them and I did have a relationship with them. I am just going to never date a man with small DC ever again and just spend time with my niece and nephew from now on. I will miss them though they could sometimes be well behaved I did love them.