We only ever fight about DSC

[ridingsolo]

anyone else find that their one argument that crops up every couple of months are about his kids? He says he feels like he's on eggshells when they are here because I act as though they are a nuisance, all brought about because I said something simple like "I wish DSC (11 and 8) wouldn't just put empty wrappers back in the cupboard' or 'steal my hairbrush' or 'nick my charger'
Suddenly I'm a bad person, when I actually only bring an annoyance up very rarely, I am much more scathing about our shared DC.
Aaaarghhh who the hell thought being a step mum was a good idea?

Yes I know what you mean. Sounds like he needs telling that you feel you're walking on eggshells when they're there too, because if you ever express any kind of annoyance, like you would about your own, he overreacts.

Completely understand. Ours is my "commitment" to the unit. We live together, have kids EOW and holidays. When we have them, Im the one picking up, cooking, cleaning, running baths, keeping the bloody schedule, organising the fun or suggesting that we all play games that wouldnt happen if I didnt do it. I communicate with their mother as well re swaps or need to knows and so on. And yet, once I've fed everyone on a Sunday evening and I want to watch TV in our room in peace, or basically the non child friendly TV that I actually wanna watch, Im not present in the family.

I also do not enjoy holidays with them at all, I have limited time off and do not wish to spend it watching DP Disney all over the place, so historically hes taken his mum with them, which she loves. But likes to tell me HOW HUMILIATING it is to tell his colleagues that, no, I will not be joining him and kids on holiday.

I can do the day to day, but I am noise sensitive and frankly just not a massive kid person. I dont have my own kids, I do have a great relationship with SCs, but DP really struggles with my boundaries and it generally kicks off when I feel that I am, again, being judged for boundaries that simply have not changed in the 9 years we've been together. Its as if he expects that one day I'll wake up and just WANT to be their mum, which I dont. myself and SC's are perfectly happy with the status quo.

Stop doing all the stuff you currently do, the cooking, the cleaning, planning activities, and then he'll see what not being present in the family is. What an ass! Why do his work colleagues care who he goes on holiday with. Guarantee they haven't mentioned a thing and he's just saying that to guilt trip you.

Bloody hell, why on Earth are you doing all that stuff? He sounds absolutely awful.

Even regardless of his crap attitude towards you, why are you doing all that stuff instead of him?

He's the one not present.

One guess why he takes his mother.

I already called bullshit on the colleagues one, blatant manipulation and I told him so!

Yes I can relate, it does feel like that sometimes.

Doesnt need a guess does it, someone else taking the responsibility. Problem is hes a high earner and with that comes all the bullshit about being so burnt out all the time blah blah blah. Which he is really, hence why I am happy to do my bit (plus some, because I really am a control freak at heart) despite having my own full time career. I really dont mind any of what I do, its just those moments where I feel like no matter what I do, its not enough, thats when I sit there and wonder what happened to the last ten years.

As in all relationships, there is good and there is not so good. We have SC's three nights in 14 and holidays. So we have 11 nights where its just not an issue full stop. And mostly the 3 other nights where it isnt an issue bar every few months where he forgets himself. Home holidays fine, away holidays - KMN.

I've been signed up to this years treat of a trip, glamping followed by camping with his group of mates and their numerous delightful offsprings. I must have been drunk when I agreed to this shit.

This.

I do loads for my stepkids. My DH still pulls his weight but as I work from home it's easier for me to do the school runs and stick a washing on at lunchtime etc. I'm also a bit of a control freak so I take over a lot like sorting the kids clothes so they don't go out looking like mismatched cabbage patch dolls, I remember who's birthday party is when etc etc. The difference is, my DH very much appreciates everything I do and tells me this regularly. We have the kids 50/50 Sunday to Sunday and sometimes on a Sunday I'll disappear upstairs to do some ironing and watch TV when a whole weekend of kids TV has just gotten too much and I just need some time by myself. I don't know if DH has noticed why I do it but he'd certainly never questioned me. I've never been made to feel guilty about wanting to do something outside of the family.

This.

I cannot see the attraction of beingba step mother at all.

Largely thankless and unappreciated.

Completely identify with this. If I express any annoyance at all then I clearly hate his kids.

I don't holiday with them either, not any more. Fuck that - it's not fun.

This is classic manipulation that women fall for from selfish men that want a skivvy aupair for THEIR children.

Unfortunately so many women fall for it.

Yep. And they convince themselves it’s because they’re ‘control freaks’ and that they enjoy it. True equality would be to approach it in the same way that men have the privilege to, and that’s like any other job that is up for grabs in a household. Not a birthright because you were born with a vagina.

Yes! First rule of stepparenting, don't ever 'criticise' the stepchildren! I don't dare make a comment now because I'm being unreasonable, I hate the children, I hate having them around... No, I just expect them not to live like animals or be rude. Same rules for my own DC.

I said in the early days if he's allowed to get annoyed about his kids then I most definitely am. My own DC does things that annoy me. It's normal! One thing I found that helped is to save the moaning for a time they aren't there and haven't just left. So even if I feel a massive sigh of relief I save it a day or two to say hey can we work on the kids not leaving rubbish everywhere?

Yep. Our arguments only ever seem to be about the SC.
He wrote the book on Disney parenting. Any time I dare to say anything which isn’t a glowing, positive comment about his children or if I dare remove myself to another room - “you hate my kids!”.

No - I can’t stand the way you and your ex ‘parent’ them. It’s no wonder they’ve grown up to be self centred, entitled human beings. But hey, I largely disengaged a while back now. I only get involved if something directly affects me, my children or our house and that is an argument I won’t back down on.

Yes 100%. Have reached the end of my tether this weekend with disrespectful, loud, slobby, annoying, step teens breaking things in MY house, shouting on the phone, leaving rubbish everywhere, keeping me awake and not even saying thank you for meals cooked for them. But of course DH thinks it’s so wonderful having them round and can’t understand why I wouldn’t. Feel like I’m living on a different planet! Arghhhhhhh

I have no words of wisdom but am so happy that it's not just me. I feel so alone sometimes.
We have his kids the last two weeks of the summer holidays and will be going away as a 'family' and everyone I work with keeps saying 'not long till your lovely holiday' and I can't express how much dread I have.

If the mum gives us (which she always does) short notice, I can't get time off work and then I seem like I don't care and if I do get time off and am anything but REALLY enthusiastic then he's defensive.

Parents complain about little things about their kids and love them anyway and it's fine because they're parents.

If I ever make a comment about something I am struggle with about one of the kids then my DP gets so hurt and defensive because, obviously, parents are protective of their children. Just makes me feel like I'm not part of the unit if I can't even raise a slight peeve about totally normally kid stuff that is totally normal to be annoying to a care giver.