We feel like the bad guys. Always.

[asSASSin8]

My DH has two kids DS (5) & DD (9) from their previous marriage and we have a DS (2) together. My DSS is really settled when with us and seems quite happy in general. However, my DSD thinks we are too strict compared to her home with their Mum. We do tend to have more structure and boundaries, but we also try our best to have fun when they are with us.

DSD kicks up a massive fuss when she has to come to us, but as soon as she's here, she settles really quickly and all seems fine. There have been various instances where their mum has forgotten to do various things which mean we are left scrambling to pick up pieces. One example is to book school lunches - which can only be organised by the RP. DH has tried to see if he can help, but the school told him it can only sit with RP and their mum won't talk to him about it.

The communication between them as parents has broken down and is not getting any better, resulting in not being told things until last minute. There was a party which DSD had been invited to which was on our weekend, but we didn't get told until the morning of the party and we'd already had solid plans for that day which couldn't be changed on a penny, but perhaps with a little warning. DSD was understandably upset, but blamed us entirely. We calmly explained that we hadn't been told (trying not to place blame), but all we got was "It's not mummy's fault, it's yours.". When my DH enquired with their mum, she had been told about the party weeks previous, but forgot to tell us.

It just seems nothing we do is good enough. We're mean because we don't let them eat chocolate and sweets whenever they want. We're mean because their mum doesn't make them do their homework. We're not fun because sometimes we have to fit in housework on the weekends as we both work FT (It's not like it lasts all day). At 2, my DS seems happy to have independent play as well as playing with others, but DSD is a contrast as needs constant external entertainment, otherwise is bored and it's "our fault". Most weekends with them, we either do baking, crafts, go to see family (they play with their cousins), they play video games, games with us. It just feels like if we stop for a minute, we're being rotten.

The other thing I can't wrap my head around is the adoration she has for me. I thought it would be just a phase, but a few years down the line and it is still there. She tells me I'm the best Step-mum ever and is always making things for me. I feel blessed that she feels that way, please don't think I'm not, but she does nothing like this for her dad and even talks to him like rubbish at points, which she doesn't with me.

Over time, it has worn me down. I'm not even sure what the point of this rant was really, but I feel I needed to get it out of my head. If you read to the end, I thank you.

Sounds like she’s picked up on the negativity between her parents and is probably hearing things she shouldn’t which has led to her thinking it’s all her dad’s fault.

How often do you have them?

Thanks for the input. That is a very valid point. They are with us 5 nights a fortnight.

Have a read about loyalty binds. It’s very common for children of that age with warring parents. As is conflict over house rules and expectations if they’re different. Can you husband spend more alone time with SD to try to build the bond? If she sees her mum alone whilst her dad has happily moved on, she may feel protective, but it’s something that’s easier to resolve when she’s nine compared to when she’s thirteen.

@CadMan I haven't, but I certainly will now. Your point is really insightful, thank you again.

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if her mum is getting the same attitude. "Mum, why do you never bake with me? We always bake at dad's house".

Sometimes kids just like to play their parents off against each other, especially if they know there's conflict between them.

It's also possible that she's hearing her mum saying negative things about her dad which is why she can be off with him but not you.

Just stick to your guns. You seem to be doing all the right things. Kids absolutely need boundaries whether they like it or not and if there's none at mum's, all the more reason for them to be tighter at yours or else homework etc would never get done. Remember you're not there to be the kids friend.

My DSD5 has very little boundaries at her mum's, no bedtime routine, pot noodles for dinner, lots of sweets, unlimited screen time. We are much stricter which she seems to thrive on despite not being allowed an iPad or sweets whenever she wants. Her mum has also reported to my DH that she experiences bad behaviour and attitude from DSD which is something we have never had a problem with. We still get the odd "but my mum lets me bla bla bla" but she knows the rules are different here and generally just accepts that.

Sometimes kids just like to play their parents off against each other, especially if they know there's conflict between them.

OP @Laurdo has pointed out what you are likely to get next especially once your SD reaches puberty. The trick is for her dad to make it very clear now that you both make the rules in your home, while her mother makes the rules in her home.

I think the older children are for a split the more they feel they don't have control over life. Something we tend to learn later on in life.

I think this need to be entertained lies a little with control about what is happening now, next and the microscopic investigation into unfairness e.g. missing the party, huge deal at that age.

just have dh keep trying to improve communication other than that it sounds like she is a little conflicted, she probably feels secure with the boundaries but is pushing them - which is typical and healthy, unfortunately.

Absolutely agree with this

She is being a typical child. She has less structure and rules at her mum's house so she's trying to enforce the same set-up at her other home. Then getting annoyed when things don't go her way. It's fine, doesn't mean she loves you any less.

recently my 7yo step-daughter told me I am super mean to her and I am not a nice person because, after 10th time of asking her to eat her one slice of toast, I took away a phone she was playing at and said she can have it back when the toast is gone :D

As others said, kids like to play parents against each other and push boundaries. it's normal part of growing up to try and figure out what you can get away with. Even if it is sometimes upsetting to the adults.