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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Blended family issues

15 replies

Felic23 · 08/07/2023 12:47

Hi all.
My partner and I moved in with about 6 months ago with his Son and mine. Both with us full time (13 and 14 yrs)

My Son has slowly before we moved in and continued now stopped wanting to spend time with me. I've read about it and asked friends and apparently can be 'normal' for boys to detach from their Mum's during puberty.
On the other hand my Son loves spending time with my partner. They are into similar stuff and my partner is very knowledgeable and can teach him lots. My son has never had a male role model so enjoys this!

Again my partners Son still enjoys spending time with his Dad (aged 13)

Before we moved in we agreed on the whole we would try to treat boys equally, of course not in everything but in general.

I do all the stuff I do for my Son for his, in my eyes I'm treating them the same.

The issue is my partner keeps taking his Son out for little trip to do 'man' stuff with him. He doesn't do this with my Son. He does it when my Son is elsewhere so my Son is oblivious.

In the last couple of months esp my Son has become really independent- not wanting/needing me for anything. I've tried to connect with him more and spoken to him about it gently. He says he feels like we are ok and we still talk etc and he is just enjoying spending time with the boys of the house!

I've asked my partner to spend a bit of time with him as he's retreating to his room a lot and doesn't want me around. I feel like he's got no one.

Instead of doing this my partner is if anything spending more one to one time with his Son. My partner also doesn't plan anything for us all to do together which I wouldn't mind as I'm happy to do that, but he will plan stuff to do just him and his Son.

I'd really appreciate other people's opinion's on this. Sorry for the essay!
I

OP posts:

Mumof4plusbonus · 08/07/2023 13:37

Is his son maybe struggling with the transition? What does your partner say when you speak to him?
It is normal for teenagers to retreat and spend more time in their room for sure. It does sound however that your son is craving that make time and you dp doesn’t want to give it to him. You need to discuss this with him. If he’s not willing to is there an uncle/grandparent/friend that could fill this need?
You also don’t need to do everything for his son, at best you should be doing it together.

Motherhood86 · 08/07/2023 13:46

Thanks for reply, his Son is not struggling, he seems very happy with new arrangement. I have discussed it with him and he says he will bear it in my mind and try but so far he has not. He does take boys out together but I can't help but think he o only does that as he wants to take Son out and if my Son is there he feels he has to take him too.

Anniejameslastcallanniejames · 08/07/2023 14:45

My son at 13 was exactly the same, he comes to me when he needs/wants me. As long as he knows you are there. In regards to your partner, I think it would be nice if he would include your son more, but his son will always come first to him (as he should) See how it goes now you’ve said something, but if you’re son’s not bothered by it then I’d leave it maybe. 6 months is a short time don't worry to much x

CadMan · 08/07/2023 15:57

Are you wanting your partner to take your son out and leave his at home, when it’s something his son would enjoy?

If he’s taking them both out sometimes and your son isn’t aware there’s dad-son trips because he’s elsewhere (where?) it sounds like they’re all happy with the arrangement. Treating children fairly isn’t always treating them exactly equally.

Wenfy · 08/07/2023 16:01

You need to make more of an effort to do the stuff your son enjoys 1-2-1. That isn’t your DP’s problem and as his son grows older he should continue to do 1-2-1 stuff the both of them enjoy without stressing over what your son might think.

Valour · 08/07/2023 16:05

Wenfy · 08/07/2023 16:01

I'm not sure it's always that easy with DC of this age. When I try to spend "quality time" with DC13, he sort of enjoys but it's clearly done more for my sake than his. He's just becoming independent, it's okay (if a little disconcerting.)

Imogensmumma · 08/07/2023 16:06

If he is doing things 1-2-1 with his son while your son is elsewhere then he isn’t being cruel he is spending time with his son who probably still wants time alone with his dad.

Is your DS’s dad in the picture to do more stuff with him.

Yes you live together but it really isn’t your partners role to do stuff 1-2-1 at the expense of his son or because your DS doesn’t want to hang out with you

Motherhood86 · 08/07/2023 20:19

Thanks for reply. No not at all expecting him to take my Son and leave his- there are opportunities when his Son is at friends, nans etc where he could spend some time with mine. Bearing in mind my Son is going through a tricky stage with me and could really benefit from some child/adult time. They have know each other almost 7 years. I'm expecting support from him and feel like I'm not getting it.

Motherhood86 · 08/07/2023 20:23

Thanks for reply- his Dad is around but barely sees him. I don't feel spending some quality time with my Son when he needs it is not at the expense of his Son. It would be when his Son isn't around. As he does now when my Son isn't around. I guess I'm looking for support with my son becoming quite lonesome. My partner can get him out his room doing stuff, I can't! :/

BCBird · 08/07/2023 20:26

I think.your partner a d his son shoukd hsve sime dad and lad time without your son.

BCBird · 08/07/2023 20:29

As for your son detaching from you, u have said that you have been told, this is normal. He is probably revelling in the face he has a strong role model.

Mari9999 · 08/07/2023 21:35

@Felic23
How often have your partner's son out for 1-2-1 time? The answer to that question might give you a more balanced answer to your treating them the same question.

Your assumption is that your kid might benefit from or perhaps want more 1-2-1_ time with your partner, but you do nor know that to be the case. What if your son has reached a point in his life where he is missing his biological father He may not be missing a "father figure". He may be missing the actual person.it may also be why he is pulling away from you. Living in an environment where he gets to witness first hand what a real father -son relationship entails may be painful and confusing. If this is the case , more 1-2-1 time with your partner is not the solution.

Maybe , he might need counseling to explore those feelings. It is also possible that he is perfectly satisfied with the amount of time that he spends with your partner and perhaps it is the 2 of who might consider counseling. It is also possible that he is a teen who has as much time with all of as he wants or needs, and like many teens just wants to be left alone.

Motherhood86 · 08/07/2023 22:03

@Mari9999 thanks for reply. He is able to see his Dad if he wants, he lives nearby. I think he just doesn't enjoy spending time with him. His Dad is smokes weed and is a loser. My Son has worked this out. I agree we do definitely need counseling. It's something I've been looking into.

With my teenager perhaps your right, I think he does seem quite happy being left alone. In fact he's asking to be. It's me who has an issue with it and feels like deep down he must be lonely etc.

Crazycrazylady · 09/07/2023 11:54

Motherhood86 · 08/07/2023 20:19

Honestly I think this is a bit of an unreasonable request. Ultimately he is not your sons father ( he has his own) and you asking him to spend his free time taking your son all for a sort of father son bonding session seems more like wishful thinking on your part.

Motherhood86 · 09/07/2023 13:32

Thanks for replying, I guess it is a bit. My partner has asked me before we moved in to do things with his son one to one as his Mum isn't around really either. I had an idea of how things would be based on what we agreed. I guess I'm put out now as he's not doing that with my boy which makes it awkward for me to to do with his. It's a bit of a mess :/

Flip