Miscarriage and step parenting

[sadladybird]

So we found out this week that I have had a miscarriage. It was at the 12 week scan that it was discovered, I had no other symptoms of a miscarriage so it was a huge shock for us. I have to go back next week for another scan to confirm & sort out the next steps (removing the 'tissue').

It is a very painful time for both of us and it is probably one of the worst things either of us have ever experienced. On one hand I'm dreading, and feeling scared of what is to come after this second scan, but at the same time I am desperate for this to be over. I am very aware that I am right in the middle of a very terrible situation. We both feel completely drained and I am also conscious that I am feeling very emotional and delicate, but I am really struggling with my step children.

I get on very well with both of them, I think the world of and care a lot about them. However, they came to us yesterday and I'm finding it very hard and painful being around them at the moment. They are doing nothing wrong at all and they are not even aware that I was pregnant so also don't know we lost the baby (we are not going to tell them either).

But as an example of how I have been feeling - I was in our bedroom and was upset, and I could hear my husband laughing with the kids. My very sad and confused head seemed to think 'it's ok for you, you've already got 2 kids and you're laughing with them, it's so much easier for you' and I can't understand what on earth would be funny right now.

I know I'm probably wrong, my husband is heartbroken. I've never seen him so upset. We were both so excited and really wanted this baby but I just feel that it must be so much easier for him in some way. Maybe it doesn't hurt him quite as much as he is already a Dad. I feel like I wouldn't know or understand how he feels, because I don't get to be a Mum. I think I feel some sort of weird jealousy that everything went fine when he had kids before, and this is how it's gone when it's me.

I feel like a terrible, terrible, horrible person but I just don't want to be around them, the kids being at ours means I can't just feel how I need to feel at the moment, I have to hide it around them. I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down. It feels like someone might as well be going 'ha ha' in my face. I think I am really craving some space, in my home, to deal with this.

To add to this, we also have the kids a lot extra next week as their Mum is on holiday. Whilst it can't be helped, the timing of it is just awful and I'm absolutely dreading the whole week, knowing how I'm struggling for these 4 days. Luckily my lovely in laws have said they want to help in anyway they can.

Just to note, I have been as 'normal' as possible with them, they haven't seen us upset and we've chatted as usual, but then I went upstairs afterwards and cried. I think my husband told them I wasn't feeling too well to explain why I went to bed early for a rest.

I know I'm not thinking straight and I really am aware this is irrational, it's probably the shock & sadness causing me to feel like this. I know I'll get past it and it will be fine eventually, it just feels a long way off at the moment and it's just so so so hard. I just want to cry all the time.

Can you go stay with someone for a few nights? When I had MC I didn't want to be near my own child. I was devastated and couldn't cope with him. My DH was the opposite. If you break the week into parts, let them have an overnight with the in laws, you go somewhere for a big by or two and just arrange lots of things for yourself.

Your husband needs to step up here. You’re not just grieving but about to undergo a serious medical procedure. Speak to him (in private), get the children to your in-laws as much as they’ll take them and don’t feel guilty for your completely understandable feelings.

Everybody copes differently. I can see your side.

I am also a step mother to 2 boys and in the past 2.5 years I've had 3 miscarriages, an ectopic, and finally was pregnant with twins only to lose them at 21 weeks. When the losses were pretty awful and I was struggling with my emotions, I had DH tell the boys I had Covid or a different illness and I needed to just rest in my room. Then they weren't asking and nobody took anything personally.

It does (hopefully) get better as the weeks go on. Sorry you're going through this. It's such a shifty position to be in.

@Lovingitallnow @Rtmhwales Thank you for sharing your experiences and I am so so sorry you went through all of that.

@CadMan

It's nice(?) to hear that other people understand. I have pretty much said it to my husband and he sort of gets it, he is lovely and has already asked the kids Mum to have them one of the nights this week as a swap for the extra next week but she said no. He also said this morning he was going to talk more to his Mum to sort a couple of the days. We both understand that we don't (and probably never will) entirely grasp how the other one feels, taking out the children part of it we are both dealing with this quite differently.

Allow yourself those feelings. I think it's understandable. Is there anywhere you can go for a few nights by yourself while the kids are there?

Sp sorry your going through this, I had 4 miscarriages, and my dp has other kids, it's a tough one to go through, I dreaded the times they where coming I stayed in my room, hated hearing them about the house, I got sad angry all rolled in to one, I counted down the hours to he walked them out the front door to go home and I could breath again, you do what you have to for you, don't be trying to please anyone, if you need to leave the house for a few days do it, it's like a knife to the heart, I now have a little 7m old LG, never give up hope xx

Oh love, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My heart goes out to you. It's such a lot to process without the added challenges of step-parenting. No advice other than be kind to yourself. You're not a terrible person at all, and it sounds like you're doing your very best. You're going through grief, and it will take time, and lots of it for the hurt to be less. Please be gentle with yourself x

OP I was in this exact position 5 years ago. 2 DSDs and a miscarriage from a much wanted pregnancy. I was devastated and found it very very hard being around my step-children. Even harder, their mum announced her pregnancy at the same time and I remember being so upset that she was having her 3rd baby and I had lost my first. Honestly your feelings are normal and valid. Be kind to yourself, can you stay with family or friends for a little while? It does get so much easier I promise you. I've since had 2 DDs but I often still think back to that time and how low I felt. Sending hugs xxx

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. It really is a horrible thing to have happen and feels like your whole world is imploding. I promise you, you will survive this eventhough it doesn’t feel like it right now.

I had a missed miscarriage two years ago, first pregnancy too. I really struggled mentally and emotionally, whilst my partner seemed to be fine.

He has three kids from a previous relationship and I didn’t like being around them during and after the miscarriage. I found them to be ‘too much’ and also felt resentful towards them and my DP. Obviously this is something I didn’t make anyone aware of or project those feelings. It is totally normal to feel the way you do.

I stayed in my room when they were over, three days after I had taken misoprostol to remove the products of conception. Honestly felt like I hated my partner when he was laughing and having fun with his kids downstairs whilst I lay in bed in physical and emotional pain. He had his kids at ours as I needed someone to look after me, as I was in considerable pain afterwards and there was nobody else. DP told his kids that I was unwell and they didn’t question it.

You’re going to feel whatever you need to feel and don’t beat yourself up about that. It’s part of the healing process. In time, you will feel comfortable around his children again. You are the priority for you right now. DP can manage his kids.

Have the in-laws help out as much as possible and make sure you are getting as much support as you need too. DP can arrange activities for the kids outside of the house whilst you process and recover. Talking to a therapist and joining online support groups will really help too.

Op I'm so so sorry about the loss of your baby.

Grief is one of those funny things that come in waves. I live near a school and used to see parents yell at their kids as they walked to school and what I wouldn't have given to have done that with my baby. I was angry, jealous and sad. Remember all of these emotions are just grief in one of her many faces.

You will learn to swim these murky waters. I won't vanish, but it gets more manageable over time. Please give yourself the grace to feel what you feel, not judge yourself for feeling how you feeling.

Also the tommys (baby loss charity) has a private fb group you might find helpful. I certainly did and you will find many people who understand what your feeling.

💐

I had no idea how common miscarriages were, it is such an awful thing to go through. I really appreciate that people are sharing their experiences and making me feel slightly less like I'm losing my mind, so thank you so much for responding.

@namechangenacy I have been looking at the Tommy's website, it's been very helpful so thank you for the recommendation. The thing about grief coming in waves is very true.

The whole thing has been draining but I am also not really sleeping, I manage to get to sleep then shortly afterwards wake up feeling very stressed, so I am completely exhausted.

@sadladybird
You will be up and down, but you will get there, you will be sad one min next feel like your doing OK then angry, but don't feel bad for how your feeling, and don't ever let anyone tell you how you should be feeling, but look after yourself and put ur needs first xx

So sorry to read this, sending lots of love. I think its totally normal to feel like this, I think at the moment you would feel this way if you saw a sister in law with her kids for example don’t beat yourself up to much because its your stepkids, its not really aimed at them. Life is very cruel and unfair sometimes its okay to be angry. Take all the time you need to grieve ❤️ You DH is probably trying to put on a brave face for the kids so they don’t know anything is wrong, but totally get the feelings towards him at the mo. Things will get easier my love ❤️

@Anniejameslastcallanniejames Thank you xx You're right though, it isn't specifically aimed at my step kids at all and I have realised this over the past couple of days. It is just so much harder around them as they are my husband's kids (and I want a baby with my husband) and it's also that they are in the house half the time and I can't 'get away' from them, whereas I don't have to live with or spend time with other children.

I feel foggy and exhausted all the time from all these many feelings and emotions, my head is constantly buzzing with so many thoughts about the whole thing.

Sorry if I offended I totally get why it must be harder him having children, I just wanted you to feel better about feeling that way xx I can only imagine how you are feeling, grief is a very hard emotion(s)? The what ifs/ the whys etc I hope you give yourself some grace and time to feel all these things, even though its absolutely heartbreaking to feel them. I also hope you have someone to release to when you are ready. Its not comparable but when I was in the throws of grief it really helped talking (again when/if you are ready). You sound like a lovely person and in time you will feel okay, it will always hurt but time is a big healer. I lost my partner very young 11 years ago and although its not comparable to to loss of a baby I do understand the gut wrenching emotions. Take care of yourself, it will all be okay in the end ❤️❤️❤️