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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSKs' mum doesn't want to see them again

6 replies

Blurryeyes7 · 30/06/2023 23:58

There is a long backstory but the jist of it is that my DSKs live with us full time but had been seeing their mum every other weekend and one evening a week. There were lots of concerns about the kids when in her care hence them being removed from her and put with us but the court ordered unsupervised access which always really surprised me given what was known had happened when they were with her. Everything seemed to be going OK in terms of them seeing her, not perfect but nothing majorly extreme, lots of low level neglect but they weren't ever there long enough for this to be overly concerning for social work or the court. Recently though we started to become aware of really damaging things she had been saying and doing to the children. DH contacted social work who advised that DH pursue an order for supervised contact only. Since finding out about this their mum has decided that she no longer wants any contact at all with the children.

What the hell do we tell them? They don't know yet and obviously we can't say to them that their mum doesn't want to see them anymore, but they will want to know why they suddenly aren't seeing her. They are 12, 9 and 7.

OP posts:
IamSallyBowles · 01/07/2023 00:25

oh poor kids - I have no experience or anything - but I'd probably come from a 'she can't see you right now' but then say that it might not be for ever.

Pinkglittery · 01/07/2023 01:26

That's horrific but you sound lovely. I would also as pp suggested go with DM can't see you at the moment kind of thing. So tough for you and them but hopefully you and their DD can get them through. Wishing you all the best.

Freefall212 · 01/07/2023 01:50

I would leave it vague. We aren’t sure what’s happening with your mom right now but she said she won’t be in contact for awhile. We have heard that she is well, she isn’t sick but it having a hard time herself and needs some time to work through that. For the oldest one, you might add some detail that the social worker had met with her and her mom had been upset as the social worker had told her that doing x y and z wasn’t okay (things 12 year old knows already) and that they wanted to supervise the visits to be sure everyone was safe. Her mom said she needs some time right now and we will wait and see how she is doing in a bit.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/07/2023 16:00

Freefall212 · 01/07/2023 01:50

I would leave it vague. We aren’t sure what’s happening with your mom right now but she said she won’t be in contact for awhile. We have heard that she is well, she isn’t sick but it having a hard time herself and needs some time to work through that. For the oldest one, you might add some detail that the social worker had met with her and her mom had been upset as the social worker had told her that doing x y and z wasn’t okay (things 12 year old knows already) and that they wanted to supervise the visits to be sure everyone was safe. Her mom said she needs some time right now and we will wait and see how she is doing in a bit.

Yup I think being honest as possible is the best way

Mumof4plusbonus · 01/07/2023 16:15

Freefall212 · 01/07/2023 01:50

I would leave it vague. We aren’t sure what’s happening with your mom right now but she said she won’t be in contact for awhile. We have heard that she is well, she isn’t sick but it having a hard time herself and needs some time to work through that. For the oldest one, you might add some detail that the social worker had met with her and her mom had been upset as the social worker had told her that doing x y and z wasn’t okay (things 12 year old knows already) and that they wanted to supervise the visits to be sure everyone was safe. Her mom said she needs some time right now and we will wait and see how she is doing in a bit.

This is great!
My dss’s mum just disappeared out of his life at 14. Just didn’t show up one day. We already had full residency, she had every other weekend but missed loads. That was 12yrs ago and he hasn’t saw her since. He claims he’s fine about it, but it definitely affected him. Try to get them into some counselling if they aren’t already.

bellsandwhistles333 · 01/07/2023 16:56

Kind of different set up but my SD broached the subject last year of wanting to spend more time with us and not at her mums ( controlling step dad financially and emotionally) and mum refuses to acknowledge his behaviour affects the kids.

We agreed we could work more time in so 50/50 week on week off or another pattern that suited both houses maybe every Friday - Monday at ours etc

We broached the subject with mum and within 2 weeks of trying to talk things out she was black bagged and dropped at us full time and she hasn't seen her mum in 18 months and no phone calls only the odd text...

I will never understand it but there you go!

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