DSD12 thinks I'm evil... I'm really not

[FrillyGoatFluff]

I’m sure I’m overreacting and getting myself upset over nothing, but feeling really hurt by DSD12.

She’s been announcing to friends (via text) as well as telling DH, and now me to my face that she hates me, and that I’m evil. I appreciate age is playing a part, but she’s also being very specific with why she hates me (I’m not her mum, I don’t support her like her mum did, everything at home is about me - which is frankly laughable) and she’s now escalated to telling friends that she wants me to die, wishes I’d kill myself and wants to make my life unbearable so I do. Frankly, I’m feeling really uncomfortable with it.

There’s a bit of a backstory (isn’t there always) so as not to drip feed… DSD came to live with DH and I three years ago following her mum being arrested, subsequently charged, found guilty and sent to prison, for child sexual abuse of her and her sister. There’s clearly a HUGE amount of trauma, which we have been working through with the help of professionals, school and a shit load of guesswork. Every day there’s a new issue that comes up as you’d imagine, but we’re all a lot further forward than we were at the start, and both girls are a whole lot stronger.

Her older sister (now 18) recognises what her dad and I have tried to do to help both girls and is horrified at her sister at the moment, but nothing anyone says is changing things.

DH has had a number of big chats with her, trying to get to the bottom of this. She always seems to understand that she’s being unreasonable then double down on it a couple of days later.

I’m trying to let it wash over me, put it down to hormones and trauma, which I’m sure it is. But it’s so hard being compared unfavourably to someone who behaved like her mum did, when I spend every waking hour trying to help her, do all I can to make her life as good as it possibly can be. I’ve just been being totally normal with her, still being as bright and breezy as I always am, but it’s really hurting.

I feel stupid getting upset about it. She’s a very traumatised kid and I know I need to allow her feelings to come out and take priority, but it’s so fucking hard to just accept that I’m the one taking the kicking for past events that were nothing to do with me, when all I do is try to make things better for her.

Not sure of the point of the post is. I’m just fucking pissed off, and sick of moaning to my poor friends and family who have had years of hearing me go on about one drama after another. This just feels like a real bloody kick in the teeth and I’m frustrated, and sad, and feeling bastard sorry for myself.

I could honestly kill her mother.

Christ what an awful situation for you all. I'm so sorry that all that happened, and it must be so hard for you to absorb all of that from your DSD.

Can you afford to get some therapy for yourself? I think it could really help you to have a weekly space that's just for you, where you can vent and get some support. What you are doing is really hard, and you need to look after yourself.

Poor girl. That's the most horrendous thing that could ever happen to a child. How long have you and her dad been together, and do you and your husband have bio children living at home?
I was abused as a child by my mum and I resented my dad and new step family so much for not noticing. I still have huge resentment issues towards my dad now for not noticing but as a child it was heartbreaking to see my step mum have my step sister and watch this nice life and then have to go home to the hell that was my mother.
As a child I felt my dad should have took me and my brother with him when he left and concentrated on that. (If I'm being honest I still feel that is what should have happened) instead I had to watch my new step sister getting cooed over whilst my behaviour got worse and worse and inside I was screaming for help. I feel for you but it isn't her fault, trauma literally changes the brain. I hope with therapy she can recover.

This is an impossible situation really because it doesn't really matter how many chats dad has or how kind and supportive you are, none of that is going to undo and repair that trauma.

You know this almost certainly not about you as a person and more what you represent for her. She's going to have massively conflicting views about her own mother and likely cannot allow herself to let you in or trust you.

She's not choosing to be deep in her trauma, she's not choosing to feel the way she does.

It's horrible for you and I don't think anyone would blame you for removing yourself from the situation but she's the one who needs to be the priority here.

What support is she getting currently? And how about you and dad? As she gets older, so might the treatment options for her and also her ability to engage with therapy.

Sorry, been a full on day!

To answer some questions:

I have had a lot of counselling. I dealt with the majority of the police/court and both girls made all of the disclosures to me, so it was a lot to manage. I needed to speak to someone.

DH and I have been together 10 years. Mum left DH when DSD was born, she was unsure of who her father was (they'd been married 10 years by this point, read into that what you will). We met 2 years later.

We have one bio daughter, 14 months. I was 6 weeks pregnant when the girls came to us, but lost our first daughter at 22 weeks, which clearly added to the trauma of the time. The subsequent pregnancy (our 14 mo) was much considered as we were unsure if was a good idea given the circumstances, but both girls were devastated by the loss of their sister, and frankly, we all wanted something positive in a very dark time. Both girls absolutely DOTE on their baby sister, I may be being naive but I don't think there's any jealousy there.

Support wise, she had counselling for six months (which was stopped by the service as they felt she was coping with home support) and we have a meeting next week with a sexual abuse support team. She had to tip over to 12 before it was suitable apparently. Her sister has had private counselling which we've offered but she refuses to engage with it.

I will always put her and her sister first in everything, but it's just so hard when she still seems to idolise the one person who's caused all this pain.

@FrillyGoatFluff I've read back my first reply and realised it sounds a-bit judgmental, not intended so sorry if it came across that way. I haven't really got any advice but hope things improve for all of you, it must be such a difficult situation to be in, I'm sure one day she'll realise her anger isn't with you.

Massive hugs.

Sounds like she's just trying to reject you as her mother because her own mother hurt her so badly, but you know that obviously, but just because you know it, doesn't make it any easier.
I'm so sorry. Do you think, knowing her personally, there is something that could help get through to her that she can be as much of a dick to you as she wants, you're not going to ever hurt or reject her, so she may as well just stop trying to push you away?

Lots of the adoptive parents who are raising children removed from abusive parents behave very similarly, have you been given a specific parenting style?
I believe therapeutic parenting is required for childhood trauma, I've read loads about it, (sorry, you could probably write a novel yourself on this!) But if that's not the advice you got, I can have a look at my old reading lists? See if there's anything that might suit your situation?

You sound a wonderful person btw and your daughters lives are much better with you in it.

Might be an Internet stranger, but I'm so proud of you for this!

Firstly OP - you sound amazing to be coping with what your family has bene through.

Secondly- I think a lot of teenagers go through a "I hate my parents" stage- teenage rebellion- could this be the start of that but amplified due to her past?

I have no advice for you other than make sure you are getting breaks - is there somewhere you could take your own child or go by yourself? To visit a relative for a weekend or something. Or a spa day just for you.

What an impressive woman you are, OP. Such a hard situation. Wishing you all the best and I hope you get a break soon.

@FrillyGoatFluff I probably don't have any helpful suggestions as there is no quick fix for this. I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you and reading your post made me feel incredibly sad. It sounds like you've been to hell and back and are still being put through it (although as others have said, not your SD's fault).

It seems like lots of kindness to yourself is needed and perhaps to give her plenty for space with her dad while she works things through in her mind. It doesn't mean you have to be cold to her, just that you aren't going to keep putting yourself in the firing line. You aren't her mother and that is who she is really angry with.

Sorry no other suggestions other than to support what others have said about time for yourself and also counselling for your daughter.

Without this traumatic backstory, hormones make teens pretty blinkered and illogical, so I am sure she will get through this and when she is older see things very differently.

sending you a hug

What a horrible situation for you all - and that poor girl. Trauma such as that does physically change the brain, and the way a person responds to stress. There may be a number fo things going on here that are complicating matters even more. Clearly she has never been or felt safe with her mum, that is proven. She may now be experiencing puberty, and the changes in her body, mind and the onset of sexual feelings muct be hugely confusing to her (and this is never easy at the best of times.) She has never had a safe, maternal figure. Here you are, offering support, and love and safety, and it does not compute for her. Her trauma kicks in and makes her push you away, but perhaps she pushed so hard because she does thing, that deep down, she is safe with you, and that in some way we always hurt those closest to us when we are hurting. She is testing boundaries - this isnt about basic teenage nastiness (although that wont be helping) this is about her fighting for survival in terms of self preservation. I don't know what to say in terms of advice, except to do what you have been doing, to be consistent and constant. She is targeting you because you represent everything she should have had from her own mother and was never given. This is hugely confusing to a girl who has been through so much. Bless you for being as good as you are.

OP - nothing constructive to add but just wanted to post that you're an amazing woman.

My understanding is that even kids who seem to have managed well with early childhood trauma, that it can all kick off again when they hit puberty.

The whole situation is dreadful for all of you. I completely understand how it’s making you feel when you are getting the blame, as the person knocking yourself out to support her, not the woman who actually abused her.

This. What you are doing to support her is incredible.

Could she be pushing you away because she's scared to trust and let her guard down? Pain makes people act in odd ways

Maybe you're the kicking post because she feels safe with you? No matter how much she pushes, you'll be there for her. You've got this💐

i had a horrible thought … what if she accuses you of SA?

She is traumatised, and clearly needs help. But you also don't deserve to be her punch bag.

In my opinion, she is old enough to have your DH sit down with her and point out that you are both trying to help her, and that actually her mother caused the issues and it's unfair of her to keep taking it out on you.

Why would she do that?

You're right, this is a horrible thought. Why would you say this?

OP - you are a far, far better person than I can ever imagine being.

I would have walked. I wouldn’t have got involved in the first place.

I honestly take my hat off to you - the world needs more people like you in it.

But just a reminder - that even though you are a saint, you shouldn’t be a martyr. You matter as well. Quite how you stand up for yourself in a situation like this, without making it worse, I have no idea (see my first point above).

My situation as a child was nothing like as bad, but even so I think the dynamic played out in the same way. I too lived with my father and stepmother, not my mother.

So your SD has effectively lost one parent. That’s scary, however bad they were. She’s really angry with her father for not protecting her and basically because she is a whole mess of wild feelings and hormones. But she can’t get angry with him because she’s terrified that then he might leave too and she will be abandoned. This leaves you as the person to get furious with.

it’s not you, but at the same time she is going to need a lot of help to feel safe and to deal with her feelings. Anywhere you can get counselling, do it.

and yes get counselling yourself too. Because this is not going to get sorted quickly I’m afraid.

There may be an element of resenting the fact that your child is being brought up in a safe and healthy environment,that you have looked after her well but the person she was suppose to rely on betrayed her (mother).

I really feel for you,you sound like you’ve done an amazing job. Reading your posts, it sounds like it’s not so much about you, more that you represent what she should have had from her mother but didn’t, you will be a constant reminder of this- hence the misplaced hate?

OP, someone is doing this to me at the moment (in my professional life), it's because I have been safe and caring and he never had that so it's very threatening and confusing for him. The rejection is a survival strategy. If I listen carefully I can hear the parts of him that are not being angry and rejecting. You are an amazing stepmum, and you are human and you're going to have all kinds of feelings and reactions and that's ok. Bottom line, you are not abusing her and she is safe now and her brain has an excellent chance of healing now in adolescence if you guys can keep things consistent and boundaried through the storm. Grab onto the strength of your family and pull together, you are a priority because you matter to everyone.

I don't have any advice just s hug. You are doing amazing and I hope some day she will think you are amazing too

This OP.

Also make sure that you give her and your DP space to be 1:1.
She needs to feel he is her safe space too, in case she more feels so with you.