Rude stepchild

9 replies

Zizzylou · 26/06/2023 23:44

My parter and I have been together over 4 years, we have lived together for 3.5 years. His divorce is still not final and until 5 months ago his ex wouldn’t let me meet his children. They are 15,18 and 21. Once I’d met the two youngest ones we bonded instantly and they now spend a lot of time with us I have a fantastic relationship with them,his eldest is away at university so I’ve only met her twice, the first time she was cold and dismissive to me even though we were all having dinner in my house, I told my partner and said he’d address it. The next time she came over I was throwing a bbq for my BF’s birthday, I decided to forget her previous behaviour and be kind and welcoming. She was so rude to me when I greeted her I felt like I had been slapped, I left the room and shed a tear. She continued like that all afternoon. My BF said he’d address it With her and he hasn’t. Am I wrong to be furious?

OP posts:

veryfluffyfluff · 27/06/2023 05:55

Hello sorry you're dealing with this.

The fact that mum "wouldn't let them" meet you when the eldest is 21 years old makes me think they are very loyal to their mum and see you as the enemy because their mum does.

They aren't divorced yet so feelings are probably raw while they sort that out. Does their mum have a new partner? I found my DH's ex mellowed a little when they moved on.

Are you the reason for the divorce- if so that will be tricky.

Ultimately at 21 she should be being told to be civil to you or not bother coming round. But that will be tricky as she is his daughter. Could he go and meet her by himself away from you? Perhaps she is feeling she is loosing her dad as she's growing up and he's got a life that doesn't put her centrally any more.

Backstreets · 27/06/2023 05:59

This is on your partner to fix. Tell him the next time she acts like that you will ask her to leave and expect him backing you up.
this is his mess.

MintJulia · 27/06/2023 06:11

She is 21. Old enough to either be polite to you or to meet her dad elsewhere than your house. Explain to your dp that she is not welcome until she can manage basic good manners.

You shouldn't have to put up with such nastiness in your own home.

autieawesome · 27/06/2023 06:16

She's an adult but for mum to not allow you to meet the for so long there must have been a lot of bad blood. I'd probably try a bit longer (two or three more meetings) if no improvement I would speak to partner about how to manage it. Options are - sit down and talk with her. Stop spending time her or partner talks to her.

LadyJ2023 · 27/06/2023 06:47

Clearly some reason the dad didn't see them that often. Either way you wouldn't get me with a married man till divorce was done and still not done all these years on weird. Anyway just keep being nice the best you can 21 yr old probably loves her mam possibly thinks you broke marriage who knows what she's been told. Your doing the right thing just remember adult or not these kids have been thru a up and down time bless them. If rudeness continues then partner should stand up and say something as her parent.

SnapPop · 27/06/2023 06:52

She shouldn't be rude to you, but you've only met her twice. Keep things calm and low key and give it time. You may develop a good relationship over time but no need to rush things.

Chunkychips23 · 27/06/2023 07:48

Parental alienation is a tough one to crack. The mother is projecting and causes the eldest to feel like she has to be loyal to her mum by rejecting you.

My DSD is being rude to me due to her Mum putting her feelings onto her own daughter about her ex marrying someone else. Unfortunately it’s up to your DP to address it and you to disengage. You’re not going to win her over, but continue to be polite, welcoming and kind to her. She sees you as the enemy right now, which is not your fault, but in time, things may change. Just don’t force it and give her space. She’s old enough to realise in time that if her Dads happy and you’re a nice person, it’s ok to like you, even if mummy dearest doesn’t.

Laurdo · 27/06/2023 09:58

She wouldn't let you meet the children? It's not up to her to let you do anything. Who the fuck does she think the is? The fact that your BF abided by his ex's wants is rather concerning. She obviously still has some kind of hold on him and it's likely she's been manipulating the kids into not liking you. Your BF is the problem here. Letting his ex call the shots and not correcting his adult children's behaviour towards you in your own home. He need to grow a backbone.

Why are they still not divorced after all this time?

Ellie6489 · 27/06/2023 11:04

Backstreets · 27/06/2023 05:59

This is on your partner to fix. Tell him the next time she acts like that you will ask her to leave and expect him backing you up.
this is his mess.

Yep, it's his place to talk to her. I would discuss with him what he thinks you should do when she gets that way. And when he talks to her, you should be present.

I would just keep setting the good example as you've been doing, being kind despite her attitude. Try not to take it personal, sounds like she's dealing with a lot emotionally but isn't coping very well.

I have a good relationship with my step kids (now adults) because I never expected them to call me their mother or treat me like it. I was kind and respectful to them and never interfered with their business when it came to raising the children. I stayed out of it. Throughout their childhood I was supportive and encouraging towards them and they knew I cared. I asked them about their mother and how she was, and never made them feel like she wasn't welcome. I think they appreciated that.

Flip