When are kids old enough...

[SteveBuscemisRheumyEye]

To chose which parent to go to and when? When do you start putting their views at the forefront of the decision and when do you let them do as they wish (no abuse or anything like that!(

Mine are 9 and 11 and they’ve been able to tell
me for a year or so. 11 year old has chosen to go to her Dads tonight and they are getting a Chinese. Youngest sometimes goes for an extra night as they both like time with him on their own.

In my opinion, when they are old enough to be left alone/travel alone if necessary.

It wouldn't always be possible for us to drop everything to pick DSS up, or for his dad to be available to look after him. So he won't get that freedom until he's able to get the train over, let himself in and and cook himself dinner if necessary.

Them wanting to doesn't mean it's practical for the people doing the caring.

It depends on distance between houses.

DSD lives about a 50 min drive away from us so isn’t able to pop in whenever she wants.

Theres no direct bus route to our house so she can’t get to us without us getting her unless she gets 3 buses.

So for us contact is still EOW and she’s 15. I can’t see that changing in the next year or so either.

DSC live a 15 minute walk away and it was a gradual process. I guess it started when they could be left alone at home for a few hours so they didn't have come here if mum went out and vice versa.
Dp and his ex have always been flexible with each other so it felt natural that the DSC also benefit from this flexibility now they have their own social lives.

Once emotions and contact settled down after a few years following going to court I tried to be flexible when DD was younger unless the change interrupted any premade plans however her Dad was 15 minute walk away so it was easy to take her there for an hour or two.

He lives an hour away now so we've lost that mid week flexibility and DD doesn't like sleeping over so she generally has one weekend day with him and one with me. Once DD turned 12 she started arranging time with her dad herself generally they stick to the old arrangement though and I put anything preplanned or extra curricular training! / competitions in my and DDs shared calendar so she knows when not to arrange to see her dad.

Its geography led. If everyone lives close by I think it ends up being quite fluid, if there’s any kind of distance then the routine will be stuck to more rigidly.

If they don't want to go. They don't go. It shouldn't stop you from going regardless. I really don't agree with allowing SCs to dictate absolutely every bit of family life

I've added this on the wrong thread 🙈

At around secondary school age they can be part of the decision making but I think unless there’s good reason then having some contact is non negotiable as they’re not old enough to understand that not going to dads because its “boring” will damage their relationship in the longer term.
I think they can do as they wish when they’re 16 but i wouldn’t want a situation where they move between parents because they don’t like the rules in one so go to the other and then back again.

Yes this is what my husband and his ex have decided.

Though the eldest DSC keeps arranging to go to parties and wanting to swap weekends - it's not possible as they haven't asked mum or dad and the distance means it won't work without one. So they just have to accept that means they'll not see dad until the next scheduled time.

I agree with this, much for the same reasons. I think there is a danger of this, definitely in my family anyway, and I think having some 'boring' time together is part of being a family, sorry kids! 🤓