Am I a horrible person?

[Lela2024]

I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I raised two children (22M and 25F). My partner has a child (8F) living 50% of the time with him. I moved in with him around 4 months ago. First of all, I had a 26 years long relationship and when I got divorced my dream was to enjoy life to the fullest and do all the things I haven't done in my 20s. I became a mother at 23 and then at 26. Both pregnancies were planned but they meant I haven't experienced life in my 20s as most people do, hence my desire to be free and one day meet someone child-free (or with adult children like me) to have adventures with. I met my partner 2 years ago and get along very well. He is clever, witty, and we have loads in common. Our relationship was light and easy and I used to feel happy with him. However, he has a young daughter (8) who is very difficult. When her parents split up, she was only 3 and her mother took her away from her father who had to leave his house, family and work behind and move to London, go to court, and fight for the right to be with her. To compensate all the trauma, he used to do whatever his daughter wanted and when he was with her, there was barely any rules for her to follow. She was used to be the centre of his world and to get 100% of his attention. When I got into the equation, she was 6 and despite suffering from high levels of anxiety and having anger issues, she loved playing with me. We had a great relationship and she asked me multiple times if she could call me "mum". I always said that she already had a "mum" but that I'd be happy to be her "step-mum" or any other role she wanted to see me playing, like a good friend, for instance. She is almost 9 now and things are obviously starting to change. She is in that phase where social interactions are a thing and she is now feeling that she needs to please her mother to get her love which means that in her head, being close to me is like being against her mother. She suffers from emotional neglect as her mother barely gives her any attention. To make a long story short, my partner's daughter was seeing a counsellor that was being really supportive and was helping her to mature emotionally. The anger issues were being addressed very well and her anxiety was being dealt with very nicely. She has made incredible progress in a year. Now, her mother started pressuring her to stop therapy (even though school counsellor, GP, and pediatrician recommended it), saying that she doesn't have any problem and she started saying that she doesn't have any worries anymore, therefore doesn't need going to a "worries specialist" anymore. We obviously cannot force her to see her counsellor and she will stop therapy soon. Being a "step-mum" has been very difficult for me. Being in the middle of other people's drama is hard. I look at my "step-daughter" and I see a child in trouble, with unresolved issues, trying to make sense of things by herself, in a ambivalent relationship with her mother, and an understandable anxiety. On the other hand, I also see a child that needs structure, clear expectations, and resilience building opportunities (maybe joining a sports team, the brownies, etc.) and counselling in order to develop well. My partner has improved A LOT his parenting skills and together we have been doing the best we can. But we have his daughter only 50% of the time and we cannot operate miracles. Also, I think that in a couple of years she will only get worse and I think that I have put up with enough. It's really hard contributing to the development of a child that isn't yours and in the middle of what I feel is chaos. I really don't know what to do but feel that I'm too far away of my decision of being free and enjoying my life to the fullest. I was happy to try and give my best to this relationship but feel that it's starting to drain too much out of me. I've moved in with my partner around 4 months ago but feel that this was a big mistake. We're now engaged and I'm considering moving out to have more space for myself. If you're reading this, I would be really grateful to hear your thoughts and experiences on the subject, especially about what being a step-mum means, expectations, how you deal with your role, etc. Am I being a horrible person to feel overwhelmed by this situation? I'm trying to be an adult but is being an adult putting up with stuff that make you feel bad? Or is it actually reflecting on where you stand and drawing clear boundaries?

You're not horrible. What you want - the freedom of a child free life- is totally natural, and I feel sad for you that you're giving that up in order to deal with all of this intense, child related drama. I don't think this is the best relationship for you.

You are not horrible at all, and I wonder if you may be better with a child-free partner? And please could you use paragraphs when you post, I found it a bit hard to read?

You are not horrible. It's a shame you can't envisage a life with your partner but if the situation is draining you then you are no further on than in an unhappy marriage.
Sounds like the mother makes the situation worse.
It's a lot to take on.
You've already brought your kids up. Do what's right for you, life's short

Is this what you want from your life? Once you answer that your decision will be easy.

Your not horrible or evil for not enjoying a front row seat to other peoples drama that they have dragged a child into.

Step parenting can be a front row seat to watching a car crash with little to no influence over the situation. Over and over.

You sound tired ? As much as you care for your dp and dsd, I would move out (you may be able to keep the relationship going after if you wish) but life's short you only get one.

Don't waste it on situations you can't ever really impact. Mum isn't gonna change. Apply the 5 rule - How long can you cope if the situation stayed the same 5mins, 5 weeks, 5 months 5 years ect.

If someone had offered you this life written out on a piece of paper, would you have accepted it? Therein lies your answer.

It’s not too late to have the life you want.

You’re not horrible, but you missed out on standing by your initial boundaries of having a child free life when you chose a partner with a (the) 6 year old. And now that it’s getting tough you’re wanting to run, which is hard on them both. They’ve not done anything wrong, you did. I think you should walk away and never get involved with another person with young kids again, in fact don’t get involved with anyone with any kids. As you can’t guarantee they won’t cause drama and be needy at any age. You’re never going to live a child free life yourself as you have kids and I dislike how you say you’ve “raised” kids as if you’ve done your job and are washing your hands of them… you say you don’t resent having kids and actually you were 23 when you had them so it’s not like you didn’t have any freedom- but you sound like you think you’ve missed out on some kind of big party lifestyle, which is a bit sad of a 50 year old woman… maybe you need some counselling to accept the life you had rather than try to regain some imagined loss so late in life.

I would move out. Take a step back from being step mum. You can stay in the relationship if you want to, but start planning some adventures, and don’t get guilted into taking his daughter.

You don't actually sound that keen on your partner. He sounds nice, but is he really worth giving up everything you wanted for?

This is a key element. I almost said to OP that perhaps live apart and have an adventurous adult relationship during the weeks she's away, but changes are he would refuse to do anything without her and it would still be dragging OP down.

I became a step mum to a 10 year old before I had my own children. She’s nearly 30 now and pretty much my favourite child. I adore her.
Saying that. It’s taken so much work. I always think if I had my time again I’d never go near anyone who had a child. It’s to stressful. If she’s with you 50% of the time too that would be exhausting.
For your sake, and for theirs probably too I’d step back. From what you’ve said being in a relationship like this isn’t for you.
Even if you move out- hes still a parent to a young child and it’s a huge part of his life and you’ll get embroiled in it.
After parenting for 20 years I sometimes day dream how much I’d love the single life for a bit. I can’t think of anything worse than going back to dealing with a little child every day.

Of course you’re not horrible. You were clear on what you wanted from a relationship and however good your partner seems it was a bit daft to think you’d get it with him when he’s got a young child. Never mind one who’s traumatised, difficult and used to getting her own way 100% of the time.

Moving in and getting engaged weren’t wise decisions. You’ve given it a go but you’re not happy and things are bound to get harder not easier. Leave now. Definitely don’t marry him.

It seems like you're very invested in the well being of DSD, as you are a nice person.

Can you emotionally detach at all ? After all it sounds like her DF is parenting well atm, and you worrying about it isn't going to make things better.

But yes maybe moving out is for the best, with the teenage years coming up, it isn't going to get any easier for a number of years.

It's not a question of being or not being "horrible". It's a question of what you want out of life. You and your dp at at completely different stages in parenting life and you are perfectly at liberty to choose not to be a part of that
Your post doesn't explain how you got into this situation. You sounded quite clear about your boundaries before meeting your dp so what made you change them?
My view on detaching from the step parenting role and limiting your relationship to effectively be during childfree times is less enthusiastic than most pps. The dsd will be fully aware that she is the reason you don't live there any more. That has the potential to make her feel 'powerful' or rejected. Or more likely a mix of both. That's too much for a pre-teen in an already difficult situation. And do you want a part time relationship?

Move out and reconsider your relationship. Your initial plan not up date anyone with DC was perfect why on earth you got together with your current partner? You and your DP are at the very different stages of life and it won’t change anytime soon.

Thank you all for taking the time to write your honest point of view. Much appreciated.
To give you a bit more context, having children in my 20s was a choice. I always wanted to have them and I dedicated my time to be the best mum I could have been to them. As you know, this isn’t easy as pareting is a pretty demanding 24/7 (extra & unpaid) job. I had a plan in my life which was slowing down around my 40s and enjoying life in my own way, as my children reached adulthood.
When I got divorced, I had to rethink who I was, what I wanted from life, and decide on next steps. It came out that from the things I used to do, the only one that was entirely of my own was the idea of travelling around the world. I love to visit new places, meet new people, go out on adventures. Of course, with children at school age this isn’t possible at all, unless you have a less conventional life style which wasn’t my case. Hence my decision to not date men with children.
When I met my partner I was upfront about where I stood and what my plans were. He was okay about it and we started going out and having fun during the weekends and days my step-daughter is with her mother. It was great and eventually he wanted to introduce me to his daughter as if I were his friend. I agreed. I met her and we got along very well. I love children and they usually love me back.
It was an extra step towards where I am right now. My presence had a very positive impact in my partner’s and my step-daughter’s life and vice-versa and I though that it’d be wonderful to start all over again. After all, I’m now 48 years old, and believe I’m fairly young, with loads to learn from and experience in life.
However, by moving in, I self-imposed myself with the duty of being present for my atep-daughter all the time. Simply because that’s what I believe I should be doing. But dealing with other people’s children is totally different from dealing with your own. I’m very respectful of boundaries and don’t want to be a person adding more confusion to a child’s life. I coach my partner at his request, but only intervene in situations where I’m directly involved and need to be clear about which has been working fine.
Also, I’m fimding it hard to keep myself detached from drama because I do care about my step-daughter, love her, and love my partner dearly. For the first time in my life, I’m with someone who I feel listens to me and is supportive.
I do feel horrible for having these feelings where I wish I just wanted to have the peaceful, free life I envisioned for myself, where I could just pack my stuff and go wherever I wanted (even though things obviously would require some good planning as I need to work for a living).
I come from a past what I gave a lot and received a lot less than I deserved and I promised myself that I’d give me what I deserve and sacrifice my own dreams for others. It has to do with the idea that we cannot pour from an empty cup, meaning that I need to be whole and happy first, before I can give my best to others.
I’m afraid I’m losing myself amidst other people’s drama. But it may not well be the case. It’s hard to put things into perspective when you’re in the situation.
If you have ideas on how I could possibly find balance in the situation I am right now, please, do share with me. Movimg out may not be a good idea as some advised above. I’m trying to think outside the box and find the best possible answer taking into account my feelings and how any decision I make can impact all involved.
once again, thank you so much for your support.

@SpainToday but you tried very hard and managed to read it. Well done you!

I do feel horrible for having these feelings where I wish I just wanted to have the peaceful, free life I envisioned for myself, where I could just pack my stuff and go wherever I wanted

But why? What’s wrong with wanting to enjoy your freedom now your children are grown, and having a partner who’s free to join you in that?

I’m probably reaching massively but it’s like you’ve sabotaged yourself and your best chance of freedom before you’ve even started to enjoy it by saddling yourself with a man who’s got many years of intense parenting ahead of him, who can’t seem to care for his daughter properly without your advice and “coaching” and a complicated ex?

Cut and run. Give yourself permission to pursue your dreams and book a lovely holiday in term time!

I think you would benefit from seeing a psychologist as it sounds like you have some things to work through about your past and how you want to live with possibly an element of self sabotage. How did you allow yourself to get into this situation without thinking through what was best for you? It sounds a bit like you don't believe you deserve what you want out of life and got swept up in being wanted by someone who you obviously think is pretty amazing. It's easy to do especially if you were in an unhappy relationship for a long time.

When I started dating post divorce I quickly worked out what I wanted and was best for me. In my case it was very different as I have 3 x dc still at home and I wanted to preserve that at all costs so I didn't want a partner with young dc where there was a possibility of blending a family etc.

I am now in a relationship that is the reverse of yours where my partner has grown up dc. I was clear with him before he moved in that I want a partner who is involved, not just there part time and off doing travel and hobbies on his own. I was very open and totally respected that he may not want to be doing family life again. To me we could have continued a relationship without living together in that case but I'm not sure if it would have lasted as I see a long term relationship as sharing life. I didn't want to be parenting on my own then having a separate life spending time with a partner.

My partner is happy with the set up as we enjoy time together so when we have the dc at home we are more limited to home based time but still enjoy that. When the dc are with their dad we can go away for weekends and do fun things out and about ...

I think what is probably most different though is that he doesn't parent my dc. My ex and I are very much co parents and any issues arising are for us to manage. My partner does "look after" my youngest (10) once per week after school but that just involves him coming home from work usual time, checking in with her after school and being around if she needs anything. He also occasionally gives one of the dc a lift I'd say around 1 lift per fortnight. Other than that I do all the parenting, cook for them, shop for food and other items,, do their laundry, drive them everywhere, manage all their school issues, friends, activities, appointments, talk to them and support them.

He supports me in other ways by doing some diy and gardening tasks, cooks for me and him if he doesn't want to eat what the dc are eating and when they aren't here, walks the dogs (one is his). He gets on well with my dc but his involvement is limited to being around while they come and go, sitting watching tv/chatting with them, and some outings at weekends ( more rare now as the older two are late teens) . And when I have them at weekends and me/dc are out doing their sport/friend based activities he does his own thing like see friends or plays golf/bike ride.

Could your relationship work more like this? Do you have friends separately and or hobbies? Could you prioritise yourself within the relationship and accept that the freedom to travel is a few more years away or more part time than you envisaged ( can you go away with your partner on weeks his dd is with mum )?

Maybe it isn't possible if the drama is so ongoing. I did have a brief relationship with a man who had a 7yo daughter and a very acrimonious relationship with her mum. I did get fed up with him talking about his ex all the time plus the dd was quite needy of me. I couldn't handle the constant aggravation of their disagreements over parenting and everything else. I wonder if that's more the problem for you than the child per se.

@mrsplum2015 Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I saw a counsellor for about 3 years after getting divorced and I believe that I’m very clear in what I want/don’t want and having dated other men before meeting my current partner helped.

My partner is indeed a lovely man. And he put a lot of effort to up his game to be with me and we have a plesant, balanced, loving, and respectful relationship. We do enjoy ourselves and do nice stuff together when my step-daughter is with her mother. Also, I have my own group of friends and think I should see them more to be honest.

I think that you’re absolutelly right. It’s the difficult (non) relationship with his ex, plus my SD being needy of me that overwhelms me. The question I can now see as being relevant is not whether I’m a horrible person but if there’s a good way for me to not get dragged into this drama and act accordingly. Thank you so much for giving me a new perspective.

Glad it was useful
To be honest I think your partner may need therapy to be able to manage his ex without involving you, additionally not really fair IMO to be expecting coaching from you.

Good example from my house, different time zone. Dd (10) picked up from school, completely beside herself due to a hard day, screaming at me she won't go to training. Dp walks into the room "bye [dd], I'm going to walk the dog at the park" and she draws breath, changes tone, and says "bye see you later". He leaves and she continues screaming 😂

I don't want to de-rail, but @mrsplum2015 didn't you just say "hang on a second, you can stay with your tantruming child and I'll walk the dog"??

Back to the OP, I think moving in and marriage just isn't going to work for you right now and there's no reason that it has to.

You've done your time raising your DC. You said your relationship was great when you were living separately and doing exciting things on the 50% of the time he doesn't have his DD, why not just go back to that?

You were clear from the beginning what you wanted, your mistake was being swayed from that.

Women are far too often pushed into the housework and mothering role when they move in with a man who has kids.

I'm a big fan of living separately and just having fun dates together; all the fun and none of the drama or drudgery of everyday life.

I was with someone for 9 years and we never moved in together for precisely this reason. He was a real Disney dad and spending time with his DCs went from being used as unpaid babysitter to his 4 & 8 year olds while he napped to being totally ignored by them as teens. I took a massive step back from it all and only saw him at my house, where he was like a much loved uncle to my DCs, so it was very imbalanced but it was the only way I could do it.

I’m currently with a guy who has a 10 year old boy with some additional needs and I will not be moving in with him if things progress. His time with his DS is his own and I will see him when he’s free. I’m not averse to meeting his son and maybe spending the odd afternoon together but I’ve done my parenting, mine are all adults now, so I’m free and able to do whatever I want with my time. I don’t want to spend it being ignored by a pre teen boy and fighting for the attention of my BF!

@StopMindlesslyScrolling
Haha if you read my previous post you would understand dd is mine not his so reaction completely appropriate!
Although wish I could sometimes say "stay and help me!"

OP, you sound like a lovely woman who has sleep walked into a drama that has nothing to do with you.

You have had 20+ years of child rearing and when you finally have a bit of freedom you walk straight into this.

Absolute madness.

I really mean madness.

I can absolutely see your attraction to him🙄, but what were you thinking?

You have minimum 10 years of this potential drama when you will be my age.

Why you would offer yourself up to this situation is beyond me.

There is no avoiding the drama, no matter how you try when you share a home.

Move out asap.

Do not marry him.

Take back control of your life that you have inexplicable given up so willingly.

IMO no man is worth giving up your freedom status having reared your own children.

This childs wellbeing will always be a priority, as it should be.

But this isn't your child.

You raised your own.

Why on earth would you take this on?

I genuinely cannot fathom how easily you have taken on this responsibility having finally reared you own.

I am 58 and the past 10 years have gone in a blink.

Don't waste yours in the thankless job of rearing some man's child.

Get out there and enjoy YOUR life.