Is there something wrong with me for not loving him?

[Angee2023]

Hello! New to posting on Mumsnet so please bare with.
So I have been with my partner for 6 years. He has his own son who is 10, we then have a daughter who is 4 and a baby boy who is 1 in August.

When I first got with my partner his son was 4 and he was just so so sweet, we got on fine and there was never any issues. He had just turned 6 when our daughter was born and again no issues. Gradually as our daughter has got older I started to notice a big difference in parenting styles between us, obviously I did not get overly involved with how he parented his son previously as I felt it was not my place. Now however, as I was having to parent myself I felt like there were scenarios where it could not be one rule for one and one rule for another (for example daughter was eating a roast dinner with us, whilst his son would have a pizza put in the oven for him, these kind of scenarios) and I feel like this is where the problems began. We had big arguments about these kinds of situations, constant comments made if I was to ever ask his son to/not to do something etc etc, anyways this was all eventually resolved and he said he would from then on allow me to be involved in that sense, however I feel to this day that it’s triggered something in me in which I feel I can’t get involved, or that if I do then I will be evil step mum. I just feel that over the years it’s grated away at me that I can’t be open and say what I would like to say the same way I would to my own children. We have him every weekend, used to be Friday to Monday but the early starts we’re making him tired for school on the Monday so just till Sunday now. He isn’t a naughty child, he’s a good kid. Just like with all children when you spend that much time with them they can be annoying right? My own children definitely get under my skin at times anyways! The biggest trigger for me however is how he treats his sister, again I know it’s normal sibling stuff but it can just be hard to swallow at times. He’s been at his year 6 camp all week and she’s been counting down the days till he was back again, soon as he comes through the door she runs up to him gives him a cuddle in which he doesn’t put his arms round her back, she asks him how his camp went and he just responds ‘good’ - I GET that he’s only 10 but I’m always telling my daughter to give him space, to stop annoying him yet always biting my tongue when it comes to how he speaks to her and over time it’s grated me down. I remind myself however that obviously he’s the one who has to leave his dad in the week whilst she gets to stay here but just can’t help but feel protective of my daughter and her feelings too.
Anyways this was meant to be a quick recap of the situation before I started on the incident but it became an essay so I’ll keep this next bit shorter, basically during a period of him talking in a miserable one worded answer way to my daughter, my partner caught me shaking my head to myself. He insisted I told him why I was shaking my head as I think he gathered he knew what it was on about. I was scared to tell him as I knew the result so tried making up excuses but he wasn’t having it. He told me if I didn’t tell him then it would cause an argument so I just told him I’ve been struggling, struggling with how he speaks to our daughter and struggling with step parenting because of where the line that I can cross sits. He got cross and defensive as expected, and he asked me if I loved him and I was honest and said ‘I don’t love him no’ which makes me sound like a witch I’m sure. But just because I don’t LOVE him, doesn’t mean I don’t care for him. I would never let any harm come to him, I still care for him and his feelings, I cook his food I wash his clothes, i buy him clothes and I spend exactly the same amount of money on him at Christmas ect as I do on my own children and if I ever go in the shop and buy something for mine then I will get him something too, I NEVER make him feel unwelcomed, always make him know this is his home, i include him in every single plan we make and wouldn’t dream of planning anything without him - so am I THAT evil for not physically being in love with him like my partner is making out that I am? As this argument ended up with dinner over the walls from my partner getting so angry and now he is at his mums as I asked him to leave (shit on Father’s Day but I’m just not having that behaviour infront of the kids). Thing is I do get it to an extent, you’re children are your absolute world aren’t they do anything to do with them is worth being protective about. But when you look at the bigger picture, I am not damaging his life in any way. His son says he likes me, his son has also said he doesn’t like his mums boyfriends in the past so I can’t he that bad surely? Sorry for the major long text, guess this was a rant more then anything but would just love to know if I really am a cow bag or not. Thank you if you got this far!!

No you’re not evil or terrible or even abnormal for not loving the boy. You’re still stepping up for this kid despite how you feel. I’m very fond of my husbands kids, in fact there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them, but I’ll never love them in the same way their parents do. That unconditional feeling of ‘no matter what’ doesn’t always apply.

i wouldn’t blame your step son for any of this, his behaviour is quite normal for a 10 year old boy (I’m not suggesting you do blame him but you know what I mean). Your DH on the other hand is an absolute joke to put on a performance like that with his 2 children in the home. The one rule I have here is we never discuss the children in front of the children, because naturally if I am cross & DH is feeling attacked (which seems to be the default emotion for any fault you may see in their kid) it will escalate & they shouldn’t have to witness it. Me & their dads squabbles aren’t the kids problem & I’d never want them to feel uncomfortable around me or in our home. Unless this is a daily occurrence where you’re raising multiple grievances about DSS, his response was massively disproportionate & he would no doubt be annoyed if, playing devils advocate you had a new partner in the future who behaved that way around his child over a minor disagreement.

I would say though it’s very hard for the parent to hear, see, feel any criticism of their non resident child. There’s usually underlying guilt and that instinct to defend & advocate for them is very strong. If DSS is being annoyed by your little one, this honestly will pass with age & maturity, but in the meantime maybe you or DH can distract her a little bit after the initial hellos if you’re worried she’ll be upset. DSS is telling you in his own way that he doesn’t want her all over him & it’s easier to respond to that than it is to let it go on, you get upset, DH gets upset, the dinners on the wall & massive drama you don’t need. I know it’s hard & you don’t want your babies feelings hurt, but if you had another sibling with a large gap you’d see the same thing play out again.

regardless though, DH was an absolute dick to go so mad about it.

Thank you so so much. I feel like this was the exact response I needed, viewed it from both sides.
Exactly as you said though, would never actually blame his son for how he is with my daughter. 10 is still so young isn’t it, and they’re siblings! I definitely did worse then be a bit grumpy to my sister growing up so I do need to cut him some slack I know. Just I suppose how my partner is protective about him, I’m protective about her if you get me. Must definitely add to it when they don’t live with you full time though I must admit. Good idea about the distracting her when he comes in though so thank you.

Partners temper is definitely an issue around the children when he gets so high rate, they’ve witnessed too much lately. I feel like going separate ways would be for the best so they don’t get caught up in any more toxicity, just hard isn’t it.
Thank you again though, your insight has been very useful,

It's very hard to love a child when you aren't allowed to actively parent them - you get all the shot jobs of cooking and doing the washing, but can't make any of the decisions, not even when your own children are affected!

I think maybe the feelings that ought to be directed at your husband have been deflected into your step son a bit - none of this is his fault, and he sounds like a normal kid to me. Your husband is an absolute fucking tool to be forcing you into a corner by asking if you love your step son, then getting pissed off when you are truthful!

Yes, it's great if you can love him, but that's not actually in your control - you are doing everything else that you possibly can. And your h is massively unreasonable to expect you to feel about his don the way that he feels - you aren't that child's parent and it's totally natural to live your children more.

Your h needs to create a home where there is consistency between how all the children are looked after - so behaviour standards, and rules should be the same (allowing for age differences).

I can't believe he behaved like that in front of his kids. That's just shit parenting. You ought to think about your future with him, if he doesn't pull his socks up sharpish!

I do feel for you. Reading it I was a bit frustrated that he can’t see your side - it’s like he’s gone child-blind, as much as he’s ‘defending’ his son you are feeling the same way (without the massive dramatics demonstrated by your DH) about your child. They are BOTH his kids & it wouldn’t kill him to try & empathise with how you feel seeing your DC so excited to see their brother & being (what feels like) snubbed. I’m sure he wouldn’t have liked it when DSS was a toddler & bigger kids weren’t very kind to him. It’s normal for you to empathise with your little one & he shouldn’t have blown it up like that. It’s a bit bullying & I’m really impressed you told him to leave, that can’t have felt great. Really hope you work it out & that DH calms down & apologises.
it might be worth asking DH if he ‘loves’ any of your nieces / nephews exactly the same as his children. His expectations here are too high.

Bloody hell, your DH sounds like a nightmare. If the only expression of frustration or annoyance my DP had ever had to deal with about my DSS was a single shake of the head to myself, he'd be a very lucky man indeed. And no I don't love his son, and I don't expect him to be so ridiculous about that fact, I expect him to recognise that he isn't my child so that is natural.

No you aren't evil in the slightest. On the contrary it sounds like you tiptoe around your DSS and go out of your way to be accommodating. Your DH should be very grateful to have you. Don't let him convince you this level of defensiveness is reasonable - if that's how somebody is going to act then they have no business seeking out a relationship when they have a kid, they aren't equipped emotionally to be with someone that isn't their other parent so won't feel the same about them.

Dinner all over the walls?

I'm no expert, but I suspect that your 'D'H's appalling behaviour is reinforcing your Stepson's behaviour towards you and your children.

The boy is probably seeking approval from his Dad. When he is offhand with you, his father's ridiculous behaviour demonstrates a total disregard for your feelings.
This reinforces the rejection of you and DCs.

You seem to be very consciously treating everyone respectfully. Your husband is a complete prick with no respect, or self control.

It's very hard trying to blend families. Your husband isn't even trying.

Your husband has set you up to fail and is now angry with you about it.
My 3 year old has more emotional intelligence than this oaf.
It is totally normal and natural to love your own children in a special way which is so above and beyond all others that any comparison is a farce.
His behaviour.l, on the other hand, is not normal or natural and he is training his elder kids to be arseholes just like Daddy. Lovely.

LadyBird1973 · Yesterday 23:12
It's very hard to love a child when you aren't allowed to actively parent them - you get all the shot jobs of cooking and doing the washing, but can't make any of the decisions, not even when your own children are affected!

@LadyBird1973 yes, very good point. I found DSS a complete pain when he was younger, for many of the reasons you describe. He's now in his late 20s and I've got a very good relationship with him (probably because there's no longer a Disney scenario in my home).

This is a terrible dynamic for your daughter, she’s being asked to simply accept that her father treats her half brother ‘better’ than her, and that men in relationships throw plates around if they don’t get the response they want from women. She’s being set up for an abusive relationship in her future.

OP, you are a very reasonable person.

Your partner is abusive, violent, aggressive scum.

Forget about his don and that issue.

ALL the children are being emotionally abused.

His behaviour is truly shocking.

Well done for getting him to leave.

Do not allow him to return.

Do not allow him to abuse your children further.

Tell his sons mother and anyone else involved that he is violent and abusive and your relationship is over as a result.

Your priority is to keep your children safe from him.

Report him to 101 and put a marker on your house in case he turns violent again.

Stay strong and tell your family and friends the truth.

Call Womens aid for advice and support too.

It sounds to me like you set out trying to parent your step son in the same way as your other children and integrate your family to the greatest extent possible. If you had been permitted to do that you might very well find yourself feeling differently now. But it’s impossible to treat a child as your own if someone is constantly stopping you!
I don’t know what the solution is but I don’t think berating yourself is helpful. You tried to do it right.

You show him love with how you treat him, surely actions mean a thousand times more than words

This. Your abusive boyfriend should be dumped, immediately.

Of course you're not unreasonable. Personally I've never felt any form of love for my stepchildren. Sure I don't want anything bad to happen to them but I don't love them at all and the thought of thinking of them in the same way as I do my child is hilarious to me.

I'm sure my husband would probably be hurt to hear it but then I don't think it should be expected either. It shouldn't need spelling out.

You're not evil or unreasonable.

And he threw dinner over the walls? He's a cunt. Get rid.

Listen to @billy1966 OP.