Tell me your dynamic

[bliols]

Lived with DP for 4 years. SC involved and DC of our own.
I still don't feel I know exactly where I stand with the DC. Often feel like an awkward spare part when they're here still, never been quite sure how to build a proper bond with them, never sure the extent to which I should implement discipline, not sure where the line is that I overstep the mark with exP (communicating with her, posting photos of SC etc).

I'm just wondering what other stepparents dynamic is with this kind of stuff. Your extent of involvement with the SC, how deep your bond goes with them, would they come to you for stuff, do you get along with their mum?
It all feels like such a grey area that I've never fully settled into.

Don’t really get along with their mum (neither does DP) but we probably only speak to her a handful of times a year if that now as all communication goes via DSD.

I tell her off if she’s naughty (she never really is though)

I post pictures on SM if I want.
She does come to me with issues.
Iv had her on my own.

DSD is a introvert and isn’t the very chatty so I do find it hard to bond with her, she’s better if it’s just me and her.

I take a “fun but reliable Aunty” approach. I leave the discipline to his dad and mom. I don’t talk to his mum one on one but we have waved a friendly hello at times. I love my step child and will always be a reliable adult for him, but I respect he has a mum who gave birth to him and is doing all the boring bits of life for him so have never made a big deal of being his step-mum and he just calls me by my name.

I have no problem disciplining DSS, no awkwardness there. Never spoken to his mum and don't see that changing.

Still, I do feel a certain awkwardness and like an outsider when he's there, not because of anything practical that's happening, just because they're all, including my own DC which feels jarring, having an experience I'm not really having emotionally, it's not "my" family time, it's a deviation from it, but it is theirs.

@aSofaNearYou I kind of relate to that! It's nice to see it put in words that are understandable

I've been in SD's life 5 and half years. Married to her dad for one. Her dad takes the lead on most things but there are certain things she comes to me for. I allow her to set the pace that she is comfortable with (i.e I don't come on too strong but I'm around and encouraging if she wants me). She is a pretty mature child so doesn't needs lots of discipline and if she did I would tend to hope her dad would take the lead. I do pull her up on the odd thing (normally in a very light-hearted way) i.e 'Are you sure you've washed your hands??!' etc. which is very comfortable with me now but it took time, she needed to see me as a permanent fixture before I could be really familiar with her in this way.

I think the way you are feeling is normal, even after 4 years. It's a strange role and I don't think it is 'fixed'. Don't know how often your SC is with you but some weeks my SD seems aloof with me so I back off, other weeks she wants to be my best friend, so I roll with it. I think it depends who they've been around/what's been going on in the other home/who they've been talking to. It is not static. I think a good piece of advice that has helped me is to always have an open mind when they come over and then respond accordingly.

I agree with what @aSofaNearYou said, particularly about feeling like an outsider.

@FortheBeautyoftheEarth this is how I try to be in terms of letting the kids take the lead in our relationship. We also have the same in terms of discipline and I think it's important for a step parent to be able to pull kids up on things like washing hands, we do have to live with them!

For us, we're currently experiencing a real shift in our dynamics which can be hard to deal with - my SS and I were never as close and we have had several issues over the years, but we seem to be getting on really well now and I'm finding him really easy and pleasant to be around, he's 10. On the other hand I was really close with my SD12 before but as she is going into her teenage years she is leaning on her Mum more, which is understandable (especially as her Mum is home more now where she used to work away most of the time), but as a result is more distant from me and her Dad. She also seems to be becoming a 'typical teenager' on top of this shift.

I don't communicate any kid plans with their Mum, I've found her to be difficult, unpredictable and has shown a very nasty side by being very unpleasant towards all of us in the past, however we eventually got to the point where we say hi in passing, like the other day my SD forgot her phone, so I dropped it off and we just said, hi, how typical of SD, thanks, bye! I wouldn't want to be friends with her, just this sort of level of being civil is fine and works fine for us.

It'll vary for each family depending on the relationship with the mum, how your partner manages boundaries, how old the kids are, how often you have them etc.

I've been with my DH for 2.5 years. Lived together for 2 years. He has 3 kids, 2 boys ages 15 and 16 and a DD aged 5. We have them 50/50 and have minimal contact with the mum. My relationship with DSD is very different from my relationship with the boys. I'm very hands on with DSD. I do the school run, do activities with her, implement rules, discipline if needed etc. I basically treat her like she's my own and have DHs full trust and support in doing that. With the boys I'm just dad's wife. I've never tried to parent them and leave all the disciplining to DH.

I've never felt like an outsider or like I don't fit in and I think a lot of that is down to my DH. He's always included me as part of the family and even though I don't parents the boys he'll say things like "Laurdo and I have been talking about bla and decided that bla" and he'll sometimes ask my advice on things or check if I think he's done the right thing etc.

Did you move into his house? I am think that can sometimes be a factor that you're trying to fit into an already established home.

We bought a house together when we decided to live together so it's always just been our house, we implemented the rules, routines and boundaries from the start. I know that's not always possible but it could be a reason why you feel like that.

@Laurdo It's not anything practical that makes me feel like an outsider - me and DP make the rules together just like we do when DSS isn't there, it's our house I didn't move into theirs etc etc. It's more of an emotional thing - I'm aware the others are all having a sense of "family" that I am not, even just the fact that my DC have a brother but that brother is not my child, I think it's more of an instinctive thing than anything else but it feels a bit unnatural deep down.

I don't think I'd be thinking about it as often if he didn't talk about being their brother so often, far more so than I'm used to from other siblings, which I'm aware he may be doing so HE doesn't feel out of place, but there we are. I think it's coming from good old fashioned maternal instincts, but it feels a bit jarring to me every time. It's something I just do not share with my own children, that most people would expect to share with their children.

I don't have any biological children nor do I intend to. Not sure if that makes a difference.

Are your DC from a previous relationship or this relationship?

@Laurdo This relationship. I think it's probably very different when you both have kids from a previous relationship.

I think it depends on where the SC live most the time. My DD is close with her step dad (my DP) but I think that has happened because they live together and have had an opportunity for their relationship to develop. My relationship with DSS has been challenging on the other hand as he is not often here and so when he comes things can feel awkward for everyone. Like others have said, it can be hard to know your role when actually you can’t be hands on and do any day to day stuff or have any real say in their life. I’m starting to get to a place of acceptance that my relationship with DSS will never be close but there’s not much that can be done, it’s just circumstances and if I can be kind to him and leave rest up to his mum and dad then that’s the best I can do.

As far as MN goes I'm like the weirdest step parent going.
I treat my DSC the same as I do my own children, I respect I'm not their mom but we are a family and I do all the same things they need just as DP does.
I don't see them as separate to our other children and they will come to me with things if they need to.

It's candles (should any regular posters think hey this sounds familiar)

Our angle is pretty much aunty - but not so much fun but often aunty namechange why is x doing y ect ?

Fairly close although we have a strange set up in terms of where contact takes place etc due to historic behaviour involving the family dog and recently the kids.

Dsd talks to me a lot (something her mum can't get her head around) and in terms of trusted adult apparently I'm her favourite, probably because I tell her things honesty and I'm ND and quite open about things (she is ND too - something her mum agrees with but refuses to say out loud due to family dynamics). I quite happily introduce myself as the wicked sm which makes her laugh.
I think my dsd has cottoned on that being Nd is a bad thing/doesn't exist 🙄 with her mums side so often doesn't have anyone to ask questions and not judge her for it (so I'm a handy question answerer for her).

We have various properties and are fortunate enough to be able to keep up a shared hobby that is thriving even in the teen years.

Get on with mum (talk of finances aside) and I feel a bit sorry for her that she doesn't get the help she needs in some areas due to mums families insistence ND doesn't exist.

I can't say I have ever disciplined her tbh - mum would cause to much agg, and unfortunately last time dh tried it caused a whole raft of issues. That said I will just tell her to do x and she often listens to me.

I feel like sometimes I'm trying to do things with my hands tied behind my back. I'm frustrated that uwhen I was at school there was limited help for kids with ND, so I grew up to cope. But now there's loads and dsd still can't get access to it because it's some "shameful secret".

I suppose the parts I struggle with is the damage that's inflicted on dsd just by wilful ignorance. Before anyone thinks my dh a monster when dad pushed the ND help - mum cut contact for a long while. She has a team that helps, but it's not enough and the school aren't involved as mum declined help.

Frustrating line to walk I won't lie

DP and I both have our own dcs and none together. I don’t get involved in anything to do with disciplining them or anything else. I’m just their dads girlfriend and that suits me fine! Even though we’ve been together for 8 years. I have no contact with the ex and definitely no involvement in anything to do with parenting. My dcs were very wary of SCs at first, and I always made it very clear I was their parent only and not enmeshed in anyone else’s kids!