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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

CSA have requested my details...

76 replies

ElenorRigby · 22/02/2008 11:23

and Im furious that they have! Have other partners had the CSA asking for this?

The CSA have asked for...
My full name
Any other names I use
My national insurance number
My date of birth
My gender

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mummynumber2 · 12/03/2008 13:21

I have no idea where you got that impression about this thread from Harmen. I, as a step mother also find these threads very depressing and frustrating. They do tend to turn into a Birth Mother v Step Mother battle.
But for many of us step mothers, this is the only place we have to vent our feelings. Believe it or not being a step parent can be very stressfull (as can being a single parent I am sure). The lone parents section is full of generalising statements about fathers and step mothers. Well, this is our place to have our rant. So if somebody does critisise their own CSC's mother it is by no means a dig at all single parents.
I do think that step mothers get given a hard time quite often.

mummynumber2 · 12/03/2008 13:27

oops, meant DSC's mother.

Surfermum · 12/03/2008 13:29

I agree Mn2, well said.

LooptheLoop · 12/03/2008 13:39

Ditto. I do feel there are often some unfair attacks made on stepmothers on this site (as well as lots of very constructive comments). I would never dream of going onto the lone parents section or elsewhere and making similar sweeping generalisations so please don't tar us with the same brush either.

harman · 12/03/2008 15:35

Message withdrawn

Sketchi · 12/03/2008 16:04

The CSA should not be asking for your details, only the fathers. Do not give it to them.

Joash · 12/03/2008 16:14

If you live together with some making payments to the CSA they are entitled to your information as they assess his payments based on the household income - not just on his.

LooptheLoop · 12/03/2008 18:09

Harman "I'm amazed you think you don't have anyone else to talk to though MN2. Don't you have a dp/dh?"

That seems a pretty abusive reply. Step parents post on the STEP PARENTING section of Mumsnet to seek opinions from others, including other step parents.

There are significant differences between the role of a parent and step parent and surely step parents are entitled to seek advice from others in the same situation. Just like everyone else on Mumsnet.

Or is there a new role - only people without a DP or DH are entitled to post on Mumsnet now???

mummynumber2 · 12/03/2008 19:22

Can only assume that it's a cheap dig at the fact that we have a partner and Harman doesn't.
Actually think there's no point trying to explain/ justify anything to do with being a step parent to anyone who doesn't have any knowledge of what we go through. I have thought, on several occasions, about just giving up with mumsnet but now have just decided to let it go over my head.

PersephoneSnape · 12/03/2008 20:29

oh god. for what it's worth i think my exes current gf is (generally) a saint to put up with him and my three kids when she does have the opportunity to see them. she buys them stuff when ex can't afford it. he's currently on benefits and she is very supportive when i moan because we get no maintenance - so she makes up for it in other ways - but i think thats because her step mum was a right cow.

there are great single parents and there are great absent parents. there are shite single mums and dads and evil stepmothers and absolute angels... the only thing i would say on 'money-grabbing' is that it is very very difficult to run a household on one wage when you have been used to two. that goes for SAHMs as well as single parent families - it bites hard when your children have to go without, when daddy goes on holiday at the drop of a hat, but i am led to believe it is character building

duomonstermum · 12/03/2008 22:06

Do you know what, in our case it's the ex who can go on hols at the drop of a hat!

She put us through hell and convinently forgets that DH didn't report her for working and claiming while we were battling with her, csa, social workers.... She ended up taking us to a tribunal where she ended up with nothing because of the ammount of nights the kids were spending from home.

We ended up in court where the judge made a court order that gives us the kids for half the year, in effect, and it was a comprehensive list of do's and dont's. We have done far more than the papers require because that's the way the kids want it but everytime she hits a rough patch in her relationship we end up at square one.

I think we're being more than fair in not going to court over her breaches of the order but I can see there being problems this summer cos DSD1 wants to live with us once she turns 16..... I'm girding my loins, it'll be a bumpy ride...

jammi · 13/03/2008 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jammi · 13/03/2008 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mummynumber2 · 14/03/2008 11:57

Yes, there are wonderful and dreadful parents and step-parents. But surely the rest of us just do the best we can within the situation that we find ourselves. I never dreamed I would find myself with 3 DSC's and would devote so much of my life to children that aren't mine. And I had no idea how challenging and rewarding it would be. But there's no way I would change it.

But we really have gone so far from the origional topic.

Good luck Jammi! Keep us up to date with everything!

babbi · 14/03/2008 13:11

Sorry , coming very late to this .
Have done this chapter and verse .
You DO NOT have to provide details regardless of what anyone official or otherwise will tell you.
They will say that it be taken into account when assessing what your DP has to pay his EX to ensure that you and your DP still are left with enough to live on. In reality it does not make any difference to the amount your DH has to pay.
I refused to give my details - though DH and I more than supported his kids . We actually paid double what CSA asked but on our terms.

As I said DH and I have been round the block numerous times with the CSA . Being from a legal background we were well aware of our rights regarding freedom of information etc and would not be pushed by them.

If I can help you with any other query please let me know , as we are genuinely appalled at how bad that system treats everyone. We are just numbers on a case file to them , in reality we are people with real circumstances who deserve better consideration.

VictorianSqualor · 14/03/2008 13:15

Why shouldn't it matter what is coming into your household as a whole?
Jeez. I assume if you live together money is shared so bills etc should be too.

A note for anyone single atm:
If you don't ever want to pay towards your partners children, don't get into a relationship with someone who has children in the first place.

mummynumber2 · 14/03/2008 14:03

I'm fairly sure that there isn't one step mother within this debate that hasn't paid a huge amount of money towards their DSC's VictorianSqualor. I personally have taken on extra work in order to do so. The objection is to giving our details to the CSA who are a less than trustworthy organisation. Who in many cases keep a large proportion of the so called 'maintenance' which is never seen by DSC's or their mother. Who make up imaginary 'arrears' of thousands of pounds and illegal claims that it must be paid within a certain amount of time. How does that help the kids?

jammi · 14/03/2008 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mummynumber2 · 14/03/2008 18:14

Shouldn't, in theory, your DP's ex be giving you maintenance anyway Jammi? If there are 2 kids of school age, one living with you spending no time at his mothers, 1 with her mum spending some of the week with you?

What a thankless task being a step mother is. Deep breaths!

BrownSuga · 14/03/2008 18:52

VS so if the ex has a new DH should his wages also be taken into account, you know 4 adults earnings, and it all be considered when paying for the original couples child or just the father and his new DW/DP.

So idiotic. A child has 2 parents, they should be paying 50/50 for that child, no one else SHOULD be financially responsible. (If a non parent wanted to contribute over and above that, good for them.)

VictorianSqualor · 14/03/2008 19:55

It doesn't work like that though does it, if the resident parent has a new partner they pay for the children daily, why should it work only one way?

BrownSuga · 14/03/2008 20:32

except the days they're staying at the non-residents house of course.

BrownSuga · 14/03/2008 20:32

and the maintenance should pay for a share of the days they're not staying at the non-residents

LooptheLoop · 14/03/2008 21:10

By VictorianSqualor on Fri 14-Mar-08 19:55:09
It doesn't work like that though does it, if the resident parent has a new partner they pay for the children daily, why should it work only one way?

No one is arguing it should! The point was that new partners often voluntarily contribute but shouldn't be legally liable. That applies to both partners of resident and non resident parents.

mummynumber2 · 14/03/2008 21:28

Well, I have no DC's of my own. We rent a 3 bedroomed house in an expensive area as we wanted to be in the catchment area of the good school. In effect I pay half the rent, council tax etc for that house all the time, not just when the DSCs are with us. If it was just DP and me we would have no need for this big house. The DSCs wear the clothes I buy for them all the time, not just when they're with us. I get my money at the end of the month and by the end of the next month it's all gone, very rarely buying anything for myself. So yes, I think I can fairly say I pay for my DSCs all the time.

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