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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

CSA have requested my details...

76 replies

ElenorRigby · 22/02/2008 11:23

and Im furious that they have! Have other partners had the CSA asking for this?

The CSA have asked for...
My full name
Any other names I use
My national insurance number
My date of birth
My gender

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

jammi · 26/02/2008 17:58

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Surfermum · 26/02/2008 20:01

Dh's x phoned him one day and announced that we were "defrauding" the CSA, but they were "onto" us. She said we hadn't told them that we had a mortgage and a baby. Well of course we hadn't - we knew her payments would go down. Shortly afterwards a new assessment form arrived which was completed and returned, and hey presto her payments were reduced.

I just hope she doesn't try it again (I don't think she will because things are better between us now) as dh is now self-employed and not making a profit as yet!! That would really affect the figures. Maybe now she sees us as the reasonable people that we are, because despite not having a huge income now, we pay for loads of additional things for dsd.

madeindevon2 · 27/02/2008 14:34

we were never asked for details but imho opinion we pay too much anyway. hubby pays just over half his salary to his ex wife (they have 3 kids)the ex gave up work as soon as the ring was on her finger...let alone pregnant. However since the divorce she has retrained and is now a primary school teacher. However we (my hubby) still pays her just over half his salary. This makes her very well off!
i work very hard and earn a reasonable salary. I also have a 9 month old baby with my hubby. i am HAVING to go back to work to enable us to pay our mortgage bills etc as we couldnt survive on what hubby has left.
ex wife has just come back from a weeks skiing with the 3 kids.....like we could afford that!!!
The relationship between my H and his ex is terrible.

MascaraOHara · 27/02/2008 14:46

I've only had a quick scan but my understanding was that of RantingHouseWifes.. they can ask for live-in partners details

jammi · 27/02/2008 16:34

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pleasechange · 27/02/2008 16:54

They can ask for the details but in no way are you obliged to give them

KatieScarlett2833 · 11/03/2008 17:18

If she is claiming benefits and refuses to give the NRP's details she gets money deducted till she fesses up.

grimupnorth · 11/03/2008 17:38

MadeinDevon - the thing is that your husband has a responsibility, both legal and moral, to pay towards the upkeep of his children. I know this sounds harsh, but if he cannot afford to do so and maintain a new partner and children, then really he should not have started a second family.

chocolatespiders · 11/03/2008 17:55

i cant believe that there are some feeling smug that they can get away with paying less money to there innocent children, surely thay want them to have the best life possible and not go without..

csa annoys me that money doesnt seem to rise with the cost of living rises

jammi · 11/03/2008 21:14

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rantinghousewife · 11/03/2008 21:20

Do you know Jammi, you are pissing me off now. Maybe you'd like to walk a mile in my shoes, believe it or not some ex partners are far from saints, although I'm sure they tell their new spouses that they are.
In the 12 years since ex and I divorced, he's donated the princely sum of 600 quid to his upbringing, he lives less than a mile from ours, I saw him in town Friday and I had to prompt him to ask after his own son. He then offered to see him this weekend, which is the first time that he has seen him since last August. And you know what he tells his wife, that I don't let him see his ds.
Now I'm sure your fella is a shining beacon of absent parenting but, believe me there are MANY that aren't.

grimupnorth · 11/03/2008 21:25

The fact still remains that a man should not start a second family if he cannot adequately support two! And if you can't accept that - don't start a family with a man who has children already.

jammi · 11/03/2008 21:27

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jammi · 11/03/2008 21:30

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rantinghousewife · 11/03/2008 21:32

Perhaps, darling, you ought to ponder a while about why some ex wives/partners are so vindictive. But as you obviously think you are an expert on both sides the coin, maybe you ought to give pointers to all those who've had to pick up the pieces when daddy can't be bothered anymore.
And it's an internet forum, last I heard it was a free country and I'm entitled to be pissed off at your attitude.

chocolatespiders · 11/03/2008 21:43

i am sorry if i struck a raw nerve jammi. well actually i am not because i have re-read your post and it still comes across that you seem to delight in the fact that your partner can pay a whole £7.50 less per week.... good for you i am sure your 2 parent household need it much more....

The CSA used to take into consideration new partners income but i thought that had been wiped out? I am not sure how i feel about this to be honest ... is it fair that one household has 2 wages coming in and the other household may only have one income ... i hope any man i ever meet wants the best possible life for his kids and if that means paying a bit more than the CSA suggests well i respect them even more....

Surfermum · 12/03/2008 10:13

I didn't intend to come across as smug, but I can see why it might have done. It was just ridiculous at the time that instead of talking to us and finding out that dh was paying over the odds and hadn't asked for a reassessment when he could have done, she just went straight back to the CSA. I believe that it was done out of spite rather than needing more money - because all she had to do was ask.

We have always made it clear to her that we will help out and buy things for dsd in addition to the maintenance. But at the time it was impossible for us to know anything what was needed - she refused to speak to dh and told him that her life and what happened when dsd was with her was nothing to do with him.

If we bought clothes and things for dsd we were either "trying to buy her" or "trying to make a point". There was just no pleasing her and no talking to her.

But now that things are better we pay for loads for dsd - school trips (the week away for £300 type), uniform, clothes, pocket money, out of school activities and I even GAVE her mum my car when hers was stolen so she could still get to work.

Is it fair that we have 2 incomes and she has 1? I'm not sure fair is the right word, it's just how things panned out after she ended the relationship with dh to be with someone else. Her relationship didn't last, dh went on to meet me. She has made her life choices, mine are very different - and that's fine, but I'm not going to fund her life choices. Her household is complicated in that there are 4 dads who should be paying (soon to be 5). I suspect dh is the only one who actually is. We couldn't support a family of 6 as well as our own, nor should we.

jammi · 12/03/2008 10:23

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jammi · 12/03/2008 10:24

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Cam · 12/03/2008 10:29

ER, the csa will take your baby into consideration when assessing your dp for maintenance. This means he will pay less for the other child /children he supports.

They need your details to check 2 things:

That you live at the same address as dp
That you are in receipt of child benefit for your baby

Surfermum · 12/03/2008 10:34

We had a huge solicitor's bill too. And dh had to get a Court Order just to be able to see his dd.

I think she was really angry with dh and being vindictive because it had got as far as Court, and she found that really difficult. Her other childrens' fathers have all walked away and have no or minimal contact, dh was the only one who wanted to continue to be fully involved in his dd's life and I don't think she could cope with that. She took it personally and thought he was taking her to Court "to get at her".

Dh wasn't the bad guy in all this. He was happy to pay more than he should have been, it was dsd's mum's choice to go back to the CSA, so it was her actions that reduced her own income, not dh's. We didn't turn round and said "ha-ha tough luck, shot yourself in the foot love, no you're not having any extra", the way we looked at is was OK, we will have more disposable income so we will just give it to dsd in a different way. And as soon as her mum allowed that we did.

mummynumber2 · 12/03/2008 11:00

I wonder if you think that a mother should not have any more children with another man after a family break up grimupnorth. Should they have a live in partner, insist that they work and contribute to her children but never have their own children?
I think the idea of a ?second family? is quite outdated and a phrase that doesn?t seem to be used in relation to mothers, regardless of however many children they have, with however many men. Men (or women for that matter) with children from 2 relationships surely have one family that incorporates all the children.
My DSCs talk about having 3 parents, DP, their DM and me. And yes, I think we are all responsible for them financially to a certain extent. But I would not give my details to the CSA so that they can take what they want. My extra income helps us to live in a house where the DSC?s can have 2 rooms between the 3 of them. It pays for school trips, clothes, Christmas/ birthday presents and parties. All the extra stuff.

I really do feel for those single mothers, where the fathers are not responsible, don?t pay towards their children and are not bothered to see them on a regular basis. I appreciate how difficult it must be to bring up a child on your own and really do have a lot of respect for you. I think it is really important that we, the ?step-mothers? don?t assume that all ex-wives/ mothers are the same as those that we have had experience with. Just as perhaps, it is important for you to appreciate that not all fathers and step-mothers are as bad as those that you may have experienced.

rantinghousewife · 12/03/2008 11:12

Yes, I do MN2, I do know that some women use their children as leverage for money and as some kind of emotional lever for oneupmanship. I totally accept that. And for my own part, I do not have any sort of problem with my own ds's stepmum, she makes an effort emotionally where his own father doesn't. And the only time he has forked out has been when she's reminded him of his responsibilities.
The 'vindictive' thing though, coming on top of a family bereavement made me see red. So I apologise if you think I was having a pop at you. I wasn't.
And I'm pretty sure that they used to take the partners income into account which was my original point but, as my dealings with the CSA resulted in me deciding that the whole thing was far more hassle than it was worth, I'm sure it has changed.

harman · 12/03/2008 11:40

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Surfermum · 12/03/2008 12:09

If you read it all, Harman I think only one poster has referred to funding a mother's "boozing". I don't think anyone is implying what you have said.

I don't think dsd's mum should get less money - if you read my posts you will see that we were more than happy for her to have more then dh was assessed at. It wasn't right at all that SHE chose a course of action that meant the payments reduced, and SHE put up walls so that we couldn't help her in other ways until recently. I think it's pretty awful that she was so hell bent on "getting at" dh that she reduced her own income and therefore that of dsd's.

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