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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Vacation stepkid

24 replies

Vaveen088 · 15/06/2023 21:28

I am going overseas to visit family. My husband suggested to bring my 14 year old step daughter with me, and my husband to stay behind as he has work. I told my husband I rather have you present with me as it's over seas it's whole another country lol

When I visit my country I am planning on leaving my two sons with my mom for a week so that I can travel you know spend some alone time with my sister

So my mom agreed to watch the 2 sons. However my mother is funny about step child coming overseas and watching her she feels the same way as me that my husband needs to be present she don't mind her coming over to visit but if me or my husband is not there she just funny with it and the fact the bio mom has no clue that my husband planning on leaving her with my mom and strangers in another country.

I think my mom is nervous that she don't want to get cought up in any mess knowing bio mom will be upset finding out her child is overseas being watched by not just my mom but other family members she does not even know ... Should we just keep her local and find someone to watch her untill I return or take her with us and have her stay with my family

I get where my mother is coming from as my husband is not even present and if anything happens me and my mom are held accountable. All I know is as a bio mom I would not be comfortable sending my child to another country if the farther or mother is not around like that ... But yeah

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SnapPop · 15/06/2023 21:31

I agree with you OP. As DH isn't coming, there's absolutely no need for your DSD to come. I'd tell DH firmly that isn't happening.

Lovingitallnow · 15/06/2023 21:32

As a wise man once said, Thats Mad Ted. There's no way you should be bringing your DSD abroad to leave her with your mom for a week.

DustyLee123 · 15/06/2023 21:35

No, he parents his own child. It’s up to him to sort childcare.

LemonLimeDivine · 15/06/2023 21:38

No. Just no.

excelledyourself · 15/06/2023 21:42

Should we just keep her local and find someone to watch her untill I return

Your husband should keep her local and find someone to watch her. And when you do return, stop being the default childcare.

He doesn't sound like much of a father.

forrestgreen · 15/06/2023 22:57

Would mum
Have to giver permission?
Basically dad doesn't want to have to parent his own child ?

NewNameNigel · 16/06/2023 00:29

I thought I had misunderstood the situation when I read the first post because it is so ludicrous that your husband suggested this. Not only does he see you are free childcare he sees your mum as an extension of this.

Honeychickpea · 16/06/2023 01:33

The step daughter is 14. Surely no childcare needed?

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 16/06/2023 01:49

Honeychickpea · 16/06/2023 01:33

The step daughter is 14. Surely no childcare needed?

That’s ok when she is at home and with people she knows a call away if there is a problem. Not the same when in holiday, in another country and staying with people she doesn’t know who do not want her at their homes in her own.

Honeychickpea · 16/06/2023 02:01

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 16/06/2023 01:49

Show quote history

That's what I mean. Surely she can stay at home with her father and not need childcare.

FairyDustAndUnicorns · 16/06/2023 02:13

Well he's a delight isn't he? Just tell him no. DSD has two grandmas, if they're not dead, your mum isn't one of them and as she lives overseas I don't suppose she has a close relationship with DSD so of course she doesn't want to look after what is, to her, a random stranger for a week. No reason you should look after her either, she has a mother and father, at least one of whom is still in the UK. It's taking the piss OP, you're not his nanny. Are your other DC also his DC? If so, he should be looking after them too, unless you/your mum want them to have this visit with her. It doesn't seem like a family holiday, more a holiday for you to visit your sister and briefly your mother. No need for any DC to be there in that case, unless they're not his and their own father can't have them for the week.

Cammac · 16/06/2023 02:20

I wouldn’t be happy with having a 14 year stranger dumped on me for a week for my DD to catch up with her sister. Actually I wouldn’t agree to have my DGC for a week for DD to do her own thing either.

Does you SD live with you OP? Or does she have a mother she can stay with? Why can’t her DF have her? Won’t she be in school when her DF is in work?

Yea2023 · 16/06/2023 03:55

Does the 14 YO even want to go?

I cannot imagine she would be happy being dumped with strangers for a week and what if she got ill/hurt or something?

Your DH is nuts for suggesting this and being unfair to his DD.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 16/06/2023 04:07

You are going to win this disagreement because legally you would need the written consent of both her parents.
You can tell your husband that there is absolutely no way you are taking your SD without him unless her mum has been told and approves of the fact you’ll be leaving the kids with your mum and other relatives. The child is 14, if you take her without explaining then it will all blow up and cause huge issues for you, SD, your DH and his ex.

MeridianB · 16/06/2023 13:09

SnapPop · 15/06/2023 21:31

I agree with you OP. As DH isn't coming, there's absolutely no need for your DSD to come. I'd tell DH firmly that isn't happening.

Yup - no reason for her to go with you. Her parents need to look after her.

Buyyouflowers · 16/06/2023 21:50

No way would I be taking her.

Original poster

Vaveen088 · 17/06/2023 21:38

Hi are you saying by law that as a step parent we not allowed to take them out the country unless a written agreement is made from both bio parents ..... I never knew this

OP posts:

Carryonkeepinggoing · 17/06/2023 22:33

Vaveen088 · 17/06/2023 21:38

Hi are you saying by law that as a step parent we not allowed to take them out the country unless a written agreement is made from both bio parents ..... I never knew this

It’s actually the case that permission from everyone with parental responsibility is always needed to take a child abroad. It’s an international prevention of human trafficking measure. And helps prevent kidnapping across international borders by one parent when a separation has happened. So even a parent taking their own child abroad is supposed to have written consent from the other parent. In reality not everyone is asked to prove this on every trip. It does happen though. And when divorce/separation is acrimonious you can sometimes get permission from the court to take your child on holiday abroad without the permission of the other parent, as long as it’s obviously a holding (return ticket, clear intention to return).
But yes, basically taking a stepchild abroad with only permission from the parent you are married/in a relationship with and without the knowledge and permission of their other parent is a bad idea legally.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 17/06/2023 22:34

https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad#:~:text=You%20must%20get%20the%20permission,without%20permission%20is%20child%20abduction.
Here’s the relevant legal info

Get permission to take a child abroad

Permission from parents and courts to take a child on holiday abroad and avoid abduction

https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad#:~:text=You%20must%20get%20the%20permission,without%20permission%20is%20child%20abduction.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 17/06/2023 23:38

Vaveen088 · 17/06/2023 21:38

Hi are you saying by law that as a step parent we not allowed to take them out the country unless a written agreement is made from both bio parents ..... I never knew this

Yep, you better have something in writing signed by both parents if travelling alone with the kid. If the mother disagrees it won’t take much for police to stop you at the airport before you board your flight.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/06/2023 23:41

Madness. And surely she’d tell her mum if she was going away abroad?! How would her mum not know?

Tell him no. She stays with him. Don’t even entertain it.

Lunde · 17/06/2023 23:44

Don't do it - too many potential issues and no way can you do this without her Mum's permission

Tell your "D"H that this is his chance to spend 1 to 1 time with his DD

MumRuns77 · 18/06/2023 14:24

like everyone else, I also agree with you OP. And I can completely see where your Mum is coming from.

It seems obvious to a lot of people in this thread not to get too involved in the childcare of step kids. It wasn’t obvious to me and I found myself in really difficult issues because my DSD resented her bio parents leaving her with me so much and started making up things about me. Fortunately my DSS backed me up but it created a lot of tension. I’ll still cook for and mind them if their Dad is working late but I now insist that they’re either with their Mum or their Dad (my DP) is in the house.

billy1966 · 22/06/2023 11:31

Your mother is right and your husband is some CF trying to dump HIS child on YOUR mother.

What are YOU thinking even entertaining this?

You are cheeky to even think of this.

Give your head a wobble.

If I was your mother I would be telling you to get a grip.

Your SD has two parents to care for her, not dump her on a woman not related to her in a foreign country.

Unbelievable!

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