Would you instigate this ?

9 replies

indieray · 14/06/2023 23:57

Me and dp together 4 years. His ex i firstly got along fine with and over the years she has said some hurtful things about me and tried to influence their dd7 into not liking me and my own kids. We just got back from a trip and whilst away I felt very sorry for my sd as she clearly picks up on the fact that her mother has a problem with me and not wanting her to spend a lot of time with me around anymore.
She is only little and whilst my partner is a good dad, he doesn't seem to understand the negative impact and emotional impact on their dd and I just want to know if we can be civil at pickups and find out what her prob is and not bad words be said in front of their kid about me. I may not get any joy or answers but I'm Tryin to help the situation be easier for everyone. I don't care if she doesn't like me but I feel sorry for my sd and was going to see if her mother wanted to talk to me if no offered an olive branch or is it it pointless? Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

indieray · 14/06/2023 23:58

if I offered an olive branch

OP posts:

JeandeServiette · 14/06/2023 23:59

What's your DSD actually doing/saying?

continentallentil · 15/06/2023 00:00

I think you both need to talk to her, framing it as a conversation to find a way to move forward together that isn’t damaging to SD. Then once you have a structure in place he needs to enforce it. Don’t let him dodge this, it’s his responsibility, not yours.

continentallentil · 15/06/2023 00:02

.. I’m assuming here you haven’t done anything to piss her off. Obviously if you have then apologise, but as part of a three way conv including your parter.

hattyhathat · 15/06/2023 06:17

I mean yeah sure if you want your DH could offer for the three of you to go out for coffee or something?

Personally I don't really care and the ex has never asked to meet me despite me saying if she wants to I'm cool with that.

Laurdo · 15/06/2023 08:17

My SDs mum acts all overly friendly with me face to face but still bitches about me to SD behind my back.

If you haven't given her any reason to dislike you and she's still choosing to talk badly about you, I don't think having a chat will do much. There's no logic in her actions or I doubt a logical solution will work here.

Might be worth a try but I wouldn't get my hopes up. Sometimes people are just bitter.

Just continue to be nice to SD and show her that you're a good person.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 15/06/2023 11:00

@indieray This sounds tough, I'm included to agree with @Laurdo though. You can't really control what is said when your dsd is with her mum and although you'd hope adults would behave better but sadly they don't and they don't understand how selfish it is to put their own feelings of hostility onto an innocent child. If you confront her about it, the chances are she will 1. deny it and turn it back on you. 2. Tell you to f off. 3.Just get sneakier in how she does it. You can undermine someone insidiously without being blatant or accidentally on purpose make sure a child 'overhears' you.
So what's the point? Take the higher ground and just make sure that you demonstrate through action that you are not the person her mum says you are. When she is old enough she will see it for herself and clock onto what her mum has been doing without you having to say anything.

Reugny · 15/06/2023 11:06

was going to see if her mother wanted to talk to me if no offered an olive branch or is it it pointless

It is pointless.

As a PP said just prove that you aren't the person her mother says you are.

In a couple of years time she will understand you aren't that person and as she gets older she will work out her mother is the one with the problem.

namechangenacy · 15/06/2023 18:02

I suppose it depends.

Option 1 - It could be a misunderstanding that once brought to air everything thing is fine ?

Option 2- It could also be that she's bitter for some reason and no chat would fix it.

I suppose if there's even a 1% chance it's option one I would do it. Because with option 2 there's 0% chance of this getting better.

I would focus on making sure through your actions and words you prove that you aren't what mum says and if DSc says well mum says your x, frame it as "ah well mummy sounds very angry/upset/sad but it doesn't matter what mummy thinks really I care what you think ?" Then let the child work out their feelings with you there answering any questions they may have but have been to afraid to ask of mum.

Flip