Struggling with being a stepmom

[Caramelbuns]

For background I have been in DSD8 life for 5 years, I have a DD12 and DH and I have a DS6mo.
DSD had been a pleasure to be around until late 2022 when she began being quite difficult in general. We initially thought it was jealousy and worry about the pregnancy, then possibly her age, then considered SEN.
To explain the difficulties, she is mentally more like a 2yo. She’s unable to entertain herself at all for any length of time, she needs constant supervision and happily puts herself in danger (running away in public if asked to stay close, attempting to cross a road before the red light changes, climbing on dangerous things and hurting herself all to name a few). When she has screen time (tv or iPad) she zones out and cannot respond to anyone unless we physically pause the tv or remove the iPad, possibly selective hearing but my nephew with autism displays the same trait. She cannot stay still and will fiddle with anything and everything, at the expense of many treasured items being damaged. She has no remorse and never apologises. She has stolen from me too, including a precious ring which she confessed to stealing weeks later and thought it was hilarious that I didn’t know it was her.
Nothing is sacred anymore, my own DD hides her valuables when she is with us and her mood changes as she hates the intrusion. DSD will walk into her bedroom without knocking and has destroyed many of her personal items, DD is too quiet and reserved to say anything and responds with tears and closes up.
When DSD isn’t around, DD and DH have a fantastic relationship but when DSD is here he ignores my DD and even the baby “to avoid jealousy”. This is hard for us and has started to make me resent him, I don’t want this ruining DD confidence. She has opened up to me about hating DSD and feeling resentful at how she has been raised when I’d have never allowed her to behave this way at her age. I also don’t want my baby growing up feeling second best to his older sister who gets 100% attention from her dad and grandparents.
I’ve spoken with DH many times about how DSD behaviour is a concern to me and that his reaction isn’t fair on the other children, but he doesn’t see what I see. Her mother isn’t involved in her life and she lives with MIL and FIL full time who spoil her rotten (and never treat my DS the same, although that’s another thread!)
I’ve had to make a lot of changes in my own life to welcome DSD into our home and it feels like my efforts have been disrespected. It’s almost expected of me to be a mother to her while having no say in parenting and accepting her behaviour which id never accept from my own children. If we had to have her full time I would divorce DH as that’s how bad the atmosphere is when DSD is around. I don’t like her around the baby anymore because she’s too rough with him, she doesn’t listen if asked to do something differently to how she wants (eg giving him a bottle and not letting air in the teat, she will on purpose), she’s smacked him on the head for crying and when I shouted no that’s not nice, she told DH I smacked her. But luckily he trusts and believes me that I’d never do that, but he was very soft with her and didn’t punish her for such a serious lie.
Im now considering if I should ask DH to move back to his own home when it’s DSD weekends to stay with us (he didn’t sell his house when he moved into mine and it’s currently rented out to family).
I have always been supportive of DH having a good relationship with DSD and encourage him to have one to one time alone which he does every Tuesday. It’s hard for me to admit to myself, never mind anyone else, that I’m starting to a resent a child who cannot help how she is or the life she was brought into. I’m mainly resenting DH and feeling the divide in our family almost like we’re now two separate families depending on if DSD is here. He’s fantastic with the other 2 any other time but I’m not happy with his idea of parenting being different dependent on the child he’s dealing with when they should all have the same rules.
I can’t give an ultimatum and I wouldn’t dare as his children are the most important people in his life and he shouldn’t have to chose, but I’m fed up with tiptoeing around my own home when DSD arrives. I know my feelings are extreme towards a child who has had a bad start, I’ve done by best up until now but I can’t take anymore. What would you do?

First of all you need to base any decision you make on what is best for your dd at this point. You are essentially sacrificing her childhood for the sake of your dsd. I would ask your dh to move out, let your dd recentre herself and go from there. If he is unwilling to listen or change then what is the point? I might sound harsh but I just cannot fathom knowing one of my children is so unhappy, another child coming into their space and my child having no agency over their belongings. YOUR dd matters just as much and so do you! Think about what she is learning watching her mum run around appeasing a grown man and his daughter who aren't very nice to her. He isn't nice, essentially ignoring her when his own kid is around. It must be so confusing for her. Sorry if I sound like a dick but I am sick of women sacrificing theirs and their children's happiness for the sake of a man and his children. It is too common. Again, you and your children matter just as much as your dh and his daughter, start making decisions with this in mind.

Thank you, yes I completely agree and this is why I’m resenting him so much putting us in this position. I feel like an awful mum full stop, but my dd and DS come first 100%. Im just not sure how to raise the subject without yet more arguments.

You will have to have the arguments, they are unavoidable. Brace yourself and plough ahead. Do not feel bad, we are conditioned to put everyone else first amd sometimes that's to the detriment of our own kids. You could tell him that you cannot continue with your dd being so unhappy, he is unable to parent his own dd properly so he needs to leave because your dd matters just as much as his, even more so to you. Unfortunately the more you give, the more people expect. Stick up for yourself and your dd, you will not regret it. He isn't worried about upsetting you and yours is he?

Didn’t want to read and run, OP.

I think that I understand from your post that she lives with her grandparents? Why would that be, if her mum isn’t on the scene? Why hasn’t your husband become her full time guardian? Is he maybe a bit useless in general? It sounds as though he’s part time with all of his kids, when he has the opportunity to be full-on, full-time with them all!

That doesn’t garner much sympathy on this part of MN, where many of us have husbands that would give anything to have just a bit more time with their kids. Is your husband a Disney Dad by choice!?

Speaking of the grandparents - what do they think re: SEN?

I think if I were in your position, I would give a very straight forward series of ultimatums. “These are the things that need to happen. I can help you to achieve them. I won’t be able to continue with you, if they do not.”

1. Your daughter needs to be assessed, because I think she has SEN. If you do not do this, you are failing her and you are failing the rest of us. We need the support and she needs the opportunities that only a diagnosis can give.
2. You need to lead by example. Love is not a pie to be carved up between your children. It is boundless. And refusing to even acknowledge your other child and my own daughter during the time your eldest daughter is here is wrong and is teaching all 3 of our children poor lessons in love, respect and family.
3. Your daughter needs boundaries. Children thrive on consistency and boundaries. It is a well documented part of child psychology that they do associate more boundaries with feeling more loved. Not the other way around.

Then, be prepared to actually act, if he can’t / won’t commit to these changes.

You need to look hard at the lessons YOU are teaching these kids too, by tolerating him doing this.

Other posters will be here soon to tell you that you should put your own daughter first and LTB. I understand it isn’t always that black and white and you do want to preserve your family. Of course. But it does sound as though the dynamic between your daughter and his daughter isn’t a happy one. You acknowledge that she shuts down - this is learned behaviour. If you start modelling behaviours where you stand up for yourself and for her, she will learn how to advocate for her needs better.

I'd ask him to move out, I wouldn't allow my child to live like this.

Why isn't your husband living with his daughter full time if there is no other parent in the scene? I can't imagine how she must feel, her dad lives with an unrelated child and has had another sibling.

OP,

This is a really dreadful situation.

Your daughters childhood ruined by your husbands child that has largely been abandoned by both her parents.

Absolutely shocking behaviour.

Why did you marry and have a child with a man who has a child being reared by its grandparents.

This child needs support.

You have brought terrible chaos to your daughters life, which is so selfish and unfair of you, right into her home.

He needs to parent his child out of your house.

I cannot believe anyone would marry someone like this and have a child with them, knowing they have largely abandoned a child already.

You too are equally failing your child.

Step up and do better by taking care of YOUR child and insisting he does likewise.

I thought the same as others - why isn't she living with him? Obviously I know that wouldn't be what you would want, but it does seem odd, and it could explain a lot of her behaviour.

Aside from that, your DH is clearly a big problem here. It sounds like he is too soft with her, and he should not be ignoring the other kids when she is there. Particularly his baby, I would not accept that from a fellow parent that is supposed to be a partner. I think I would be issuing an ultimatum to him about all of this, tell him you are considering leaving if he doesn't make changes.

To repeat what everyone else has asked, why isn’t he living with her? Is her mum dead? She’s his only parent, why isn’t she with him full time?

That aside, your job is to protect your own two children and to provide them with a home in which they’re safe and happy. That’s literally your biggest responsibility.

You’ve let this go on for far too long, your daughter is miserable and she’s permanently on edge waiting for her stuff to be stolen or trashed. Your baby has already been injured. It’s only a matter of time before something serious happens. And you’re stressed out of your head. You matter too.

He’s got somewhere else to go, he needs to go asap.

Maybe get some support on here @Caramelbuns - it's specifically Stepmum issues for the uk :-)

https://www.secondwivesandstepmums.com/

I really can not get over you haven’t a relationship with such a shit father. He literally left his child who sounds in need of support and assessment, and moved on with another woman and her child and continued on to have another. Wow, in case you don’t know you deserve better.