Step daughter sadness

[herewegogogox]

Advice please, been in my step daughters life for the last 10 years .. very close for the last 9.. birth mum was having a rough time as I’ve mentioned in previous posts so myself & my husband did a lot: school uniform, opticians, dentist, stayed with us 4/7 days a week etc … she used to come every weekend now she’s 14 so I expect things to change usually she just called for money (typical teen) but she’s literally just cut us off this last year ..

honestly I am utterly heartbroken I adore that girl & suddenly she’s living with mum full time & acts like she doesn’t like us doesn’t want to know us, we have a daughter who is 7 who she has always been close to & she’s cut her off too sent me texts saying she will never be my “real daughter” & when encouraged to come away with us said “go with your real family” … it’s my birthday today she’s seen my stories on Facebook & snap chat not wished me happy birthday I have no idea why this sudden change in behavior has occurred she’s always been as much my daughter as my bio daughter if anything we’ve done more together given her age & the time we’ve had together .. I asked mum her thoughts she told me she was in a blended family & knows why she feels “left out” & “an outcast”.

is this normal teen behaviour? Insecurities about being a blended family!? I am at a loss what to do but I don’t want to lose her

That sounds so difficult for all of you. I'm assuming that you've told her that you love her as you do your own DD and how much you're all missing her?

My DD is a year older and needs a lot of reassurance, this girl has had to adjust to so much more and is probably having difficulty adapting.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto thank you for your reply - yes no matter how much she pushes away both me & my husband contact her regularly tell her how much we both adore her, I’ve told her she was my first child taught me how to be a mum etc she just doesn’t accept it it’s like she has this deep anger towards us I’m from a divorced family it’s hard she probably resents her sister having mum & dad it just seems to come out of nowhere xx

How did she get on with your other daughter? Who knows what is said between two girls. Might there have been an argument between them when things might have been said or alluded to

That’s a good point - they only really spend time in an open space such as living room as step daughter has always gone where I am etc given the 7 year age gap they’ve never really been ones to go off & do things alone etc they’ve always got on so well with my step daughter being more mother hen … I feel her anger is more placed towards me & dad … xx

I'm really sorry but do you tell her how much you and her dad did for her? It sounds like you're making out that you both went above and beyond having her in your home for half the week, buying her a school uniform and taking her to medical appointments. Isn't this what all decent parents do for their children?
Maybe it's just a teenage thing and once she's grown out of this stage, she'll come around and you can develop a relationship again. In the meantime, all you can do is keep inviting around, including her in your family plans and maybe not point out how many dentist appointments you took her to.
Of course, if there's a child arrangements order in place, you could return to court to have it enforced if you think that's a suitable thing to do.

@Whenwillitallmakesense sorry we’ve never made her aware of how much we’ve done I was just making the post aware for background how much we’ve been involved as I know sometimes fathers take the back step on these things of course it’s the responsibility of both parents.

@Whenwillitallmakesense im not sure given her age if court would be a sensible route? Maybe more resentment?

I wouldn't go down that route at all. I'm not sure how you'd force a 14 yo to leave her home and come to yours when she doesn't want to or what benefit it would be.

Will she spend time with your DH away from your home?

Again, you're pointing out 'how much we've been involved'. It's her dad, of course he should be taking her to appointments, giving her a home, being involved. It shouldn't be favourably compared to deadbeat dads who don't. It should be a given, the norm, not something he should be congratulated for.
It comes across, to me, that you're saying 'look at everything we've done for you. You need to be nice to us'.
As i said, might be a phase or it may be something more deep rooted if she keeps saying she doesnt feel part of 'your' famlly.
And I'm not saying you should take it to take it to court, I'm just saying it's a possibility if you already had a court order in place, it could be enforced If that's the route you wanted to take but of course it would cause resentment.

@Whenwillitallmakesense i disagree - that part was a very very small minority of my post I feel that’s just the part you’ve decided to focus on.

I agree - this has been done in the past they have had many trips to theme parks just the 2 of them & had a great time but she keeps brushing him off

Could she be brushing him off to test him? How active is he in talking to her and inviting her to things?

i said the same that’s why we never stop trying inviting her to holidays, for tea etc … he booked for them to go alton towers & she told him 3 weeks before she didn’t want to go .. he calls her every other day they talk for 10 minutes max but it’s obvious it’s on loud speaker & her mum is answering things in the back .. I think a huge issue has been mum has labled dad as “strict” as he wouldn’t let her vape or have alcohol here which she is allowed at home on a weekend (disclaimer I am not judging parenting I am pointing out discrepancies in parenting)

This maybe typical teenage behaviour- testing you both, wanting reassurance- it’s not an easy time

However, are there other influences at play here? Nothing wrong with your boundaries about alcohol or vaping - but when teenagers have a new set of friends they suddenly think you are the worst parents ever for having boundaries.

Sometimes we push away people we love the most - what is happening in the rest of her life? Ok at school? Boyfriends??
Teenage years are difficult all round - hang on in there and keep communicating that you love her

Thank you for this advice, yes new boyfriend, new friends who’s parents are a bit more should we say leanient.

Another issue seems to be the age gap between the girls she says she finds her sister childish & “too much” but I’ve told her she is 7 so there is not much I can do about her being childish 😂 when she messaged about the holiday she said “if you can’t do anything about her then I’m not coming”

this felt like a test to choose between her or my daughter however, I did not rise to this as it is totally unreasonable to stop a 7 year old from being a 7 year old! My daughter accepts to give her space & her moods but shr doesn’t want to accept the 7 year olds downfalls.

regarding the holiday we offered her a conjoined room so she didn’t have to share with her sister & that would mean her own little space, a teen club, hotel with water park which was much suited to her age more than the 7 year old ….still no, her mum says she is very moody at home & is skipping school & is failing in most lessons …. There is lots going on there

always giving her reassurance offering her lifts to her friends house as mum doesn’t drive etc but she’s just pushing away … very very saddening .. she’s doing same to my husbands parents who she was super close with

It's very normal for any child that age to start pulling away. The difference with bio kids is that they're stuck with you. Your SD has the ability to assert her independence by cutting you off. I don't think at that age you can force it, you'll create more resentment. Just continue to do what you're doing and be as present in her life as possible. If mum is amicable keep her onside too. They do come back, I'm closer to my 20 year old DD than I've ever been.

Teenagers are assholes. They test you constantly and take everything personally. Just be consistent and loving and she will come back. As amylou said, this particular teenager has an “out” and is exercising it.
It’s also normal for teenagers to find younger sibling annoying to the extreme. My 12yo step daughter recently called her 8yo brother a “shit eater” at the dinner table. When disciplined she told my husband (her dad) that she’s never loved him because he “failed her”. The next morning she asked him for £20 and a bacon sandwich like nothing had happened. 😂

A 14yo is not actually able to fully understand the repercussions of cutting off her father. She says it, because she feels safe to say it. She knows he isn’t going anywhere.

And, none of this is meant to diminish your experience btw. I know how much it hurts when they turn into assholes. But just try to take a deep breath and carry on regardless. I’d say you have another 8 years. But, due to the age gap with your 7yo daughter… it’ll all kick off with her then and you’ll be back-to-backing it with the assholery for about another 16 years.

This. Tbf she sounds like she's being bloody awful, I'd just keep telling her you love her etc but stop focusing your emotional energy on it and being upset when she doesn't come to things - she's being very rude about those things and it sounds like she'd spoil them anyway. Enjoy your time, enjoy your seven year old. Wait for her to stop being such a little madam.

Honestly OP, don’t let anyone convince you that this distancing is your fault. You have gone above the line of duty and whatever comment you may have made (if you did) wouldn’t have resulted on this especially as she can see and hear how much you both love her and want her back in your house.

A lot of things change when they become teens, the most prevalent one is that they start reacting to authority and also start trying to exercise their own power. The situation you are in at the moment is, to my view, and example of it: She has realised she has the power to walk out and hurt you all if she wishes. In other circumstances, mom and dad deal with the discipline, remind the child of the rules of the home and ask them to be considerate to the family around them or.. (insert whatever loss of privileges). In the regular household the teen will (or try) to respect the rules as he has much to lose if they doesn’t but your case is different: She has the option of another house, another set of rules and even worse… play you all against each other to obtain whatever benefits she prefers to have at the moment (yeah I know, you may say I am classing this young child as a manipulative person, but that’s teens for you when the adults around them do not present a united front).

I think you need to tell her you respect her decision to distance herself but that your door is always open. That would bring the drama down as she had nothing to fight against. I am sure that if you offer no resistance to her wishes she will come back. But put your efforts in increasing/improving the communication with her mum so you can present a united front when dealing with bad behaviour).

I notice however that she mentions that her SS is annoying but most importantly, that you say that they are normally supervised within the same room. A teen needs space of their own, and in her particular circumstances, having a seven year old pestering her without you being able to control the behaviour may seem to her as if you love her less than you love your DD. She needs to see, in your actions, not your words, that she is an equal to DD. This is a hard balancing act when they have the same parents, being a blended family… it becomes far more complex.

I hope all goes well but remember, let her go, she will come back when is ready if she knows the door is open and you would be happy to see her.

Really good advice. Teenagers are all over the shop emotionally. Be consistently loving and while outwardly treating her as her age, inwardly imagine this is a toddler who is super upset and angry because you have her the ‘WRONG’ coloured plate. It’s probably similar biologically.

Several of my friends with teens are seeing a counsellor. Just for a safe place to vent really! It’s really hard but try to laugh lots and keep showing up. In a few years she will settle down.

This is completely spot on.

I have DSc teen in the house and it blows my mind the switch. However it's not me she has taken against but her dad. For some unearthly reason (as I'm the stricter one)

Teens are arseholes but they do come back.

Don't let anyone convince you that this is to do with you. It's just teens being annoying. Like toddlers on crack with verbal skills.

Thank you all for your very helpful & compassionate replies - brilliant tips & advice…i feel so much better going forward & more equipt on how to support my husband & my step daughters feelings etc whilst respecting her autonomy & space.