difference of religious beliefs

[Nicola63]

Hi,
This might be rather a sensitive topic to some, perhaps the answers are very obvious to othersndered what people thought. Sorry if this is a bit long and I hope I do not offend anyone.

I am the stepmother of two teenaged girls (12 and nearly 15) and they live with me and my husband (they have only been living with us over the last year). Their mother lives in another country and they only see her twice a year, for a few weeks of school holidays.

I am an atheist, you might even say a militant atheist, (of the Richard Dawkins school of thought) and always have been. My husband is much the same although less intellectual or vehement about it. He just has no time for religion in any form. The children's mother and her parents are however very much evangelical born-again Christians and they have instilled this in the girls.

I tend not to address religion with them at all, as I find it difficult to know what to say. They know I am "not a Christian" and that I don't believe what they do. We just left it at that really. Maybe that was rather cowardly of me.

Recently however, they have both become addicted to a series of books by an author called Robin Jones Gunn, reading avidly all the time (a girl at school introduced them to these books).I did a bit of research and found them to be "Christian books" for teenagers. Then when we were in the car the other day, just me and the girls on a several hour drive, they played a CD several times over which was evidently "Christian rock", with the singer exhorting one to accept Jesus as your saviour and so on. I said nothing but felt very uncomfortable and wished I could ask them to turn it off without seeming offensive.

Maybe I'm being wrong or too sensitive or something, but I feel so uncomfortable about all this. When I read some reviews of these Gunn books I found that they have been criticised for being too simplistic in their approach to teenage problems, and in particular for being excluding of and biased against "non Christians" (anger, bad or undesirable behaviour etc are seen as non Christian behaviour, Christians are the ones who are good). I don't really want the girls growing up with that message, which is so contrary to my own strongly held beliefs.

I feel in a rather difficult position. The girls and I get on well and they seem to love me. I certainly am trying to bring them through their teens being able to have their owns thoughts, opinions and beliefs, but at the same time I feel that I, as the parent who is looking after them and has responsibility for them nearly all the time, have the right not to feel that I am somehow wrong because I have my own set of beliefs. I don't want to get into any kind of battle with their mother either, but feel that my belief system is something I would also wish the girls to be exposed to as they grow up, as well as what their mother believes. But I can't really do this without effectively telling them that their mother and grandparents are in my view that would not be right either.

Sorry if it seems a bit muddled.
Any thoughts gratefully received!!

Sorry in the last paragraph a word got missed. Should have read: ...without effectively telling them that their mother and grandparents are in my view wrong, that would not be right either.

I d keep it a taboo subject unless they ask specific questions.
However when you are all in the same space for a period of time there is no reason why you could nt have asked for some of your music for part of the car journey.
Live and let live i guess so long as girls are happy and doing well in school.
A christian would not want to subject suffering on another person and by putting their music on which after a time obviously really irritated you i am sure they would have been ok about letting you listen to something of your liking too.
good luck

p.s I havae a niece who is very into the christian church and her whole social life seems to focus around her beliefs but she understand s none of her family feel the same . We have upset her in jest a few times but she seems to understand its not for every one and no big deal.

Live and let live sounds good to me. If the subject comes up, just say calmly and cheerfully that as they know different people have different religious views and that you're an atheist.
But if they don't try to impose their views on you, then I think you should show them the same tolerance.
(Listening to a tape with Christian music hardly counts as trying to impose their views- you might well be listening to music that is contrary to their religion without realising, but they don't ask you to stop, do they?).
Even if they read these particular books, they may not take every word out of them as the ultimate truth.
I grew up as the only Christian in a non-believing family, started going to church on my own when I was about 10 or 11 I suppose, don't know where I got that from, but all my family were kind and tolerant and it never interfered with the enormous love and respect I felt (still do) for my parents. Now I am married to a non-believing dh and we have no problems telling our children that Mummy believes this and Daddy believes this, or even Mummy/Daddy isn't quite sure on this point. They do not believe in God, but accept that they need to be tolerant and respectful of my views, because I am tolerant and respectful of theirs. They have friends who are atheists, friends who are Evangelical Christians and at least one friend who is a Hindu. Not a problem.

Thnaks for that. Cory, that is very encouraging. I do want them to have the freedom to believe what they want, but just feel it is right for them to understand and prioperly consider alternative views too, including my view, since I am the one responsible for their upbringing. The only difficulty is that I am not just a non-believer, I am actually very committedly opposed to organised religion in any form, and am generally quite happy to debate and promote the point, although I have not, and probably will not, do so with them. I am sure we will all manage along together, as long as we respect each other, but I needed to give it a bit of careful thought.

Is it a question of who's right and who is wrong, which is a point you make a few times in your post?

Because if you are 'right', there are millions of people out there who are 'wrong'. Whatever your starting point is, and whatever you decide to believe in or not believe in, you think that you are right, and therefore that everyone who disagree with you is wrong.

Maybe you should just take a step back and look at the possibility that nobody is 'right' or 'wrong', but that you make a decision that is the right one for you. Their religion and beliefs is their choice, and is therefore right for them. If you respect their choice,you have a better chance of them respecting your choices.

I am stepmother to my partner's two sons (12, 10). My partner is 100% Alsatian Ashkenazy Jewish and the boys' mother is Catholic on her mother's side and Russian Jewish on her father's side. She converted to Liberal Judaism in order to marry and the boys are brought up as Liberal Jews (they are not accepted as Jewish by mainstream French Judaism).

I am an atheist Anglican, and my daughter will be brought up as such (she cannot be Jewish unless she converts as a adult), though undoubtedly my partner will ensure she is exposed to her Judaism during her upbringing.

I think that I am quite upfront about my own beliefs and culture. I don't refute Judaism, but we all very much take the cultural view of religion in our household - no one has "beliefs", we have traditions and culture passed down through the generations and we are free to take what we wish and leave the rest.

I do so much agree with the two previous posters about allowing people to make their own decisions, absolutely.

But my point is that my stepduaghters are being very much encouraged in one point of view (the evangelical Christian one) whereas I have never said anything at all to them about my point of view or my reasons or beliefs behind it, which is just as strongly held as their beliefs. I think Anna, your point is important, you take a liberal and cultural view of religion in your house, and that's what I would be comfortable with. My uncomfortableness comes from the fact they that is NOT how these girls see things, they and their mother and grandparents (and the books they read) seem to be very much about how being a Christian who takes the scriptures literally etc is somehow better than being anything else.

I'm not trying to say who is right or wrong, but I am now the person predominantly responsible for bringing up and educating these girls and I suppose I don't feel happy with their not having both sides of the story and then making up their own mind. Anna, as you say, your girl is going to be exposed to Judaism as part of her upbringing. I guess I am just saying that I would like these girls to be exposed to and understand radical atheism as a option as part of their upbringing and I am not sure how to do that without creating difficulties.

Nicola, they will grow out of this crap in the way that teenagers grow out of various kinds of crap that they believe in very intensely while they are teenagers. What crap they believe is up to them, where you need to set boundaries is in behaviour ie they are not allowed to pester or lecture other people, or bully them for not believing in the same crap to the same extent. Treat their superstitions the same way you'd treat any other teenage fad, such as an obsession with a TV program or sudden handwringing veganism. I appreciate that it's difficult to have a family member whose beliefs are so utterly opposed to yours because it's hard to discuss it without one side or the other feeling attacked: your best bet is to leave plenty of Dawkins/Hitchins books around the place and, if asked, state calmly but firmly what you believe.
I wouldn;t worry too much about the christian rock - anyone who goes on a car journey with teenagers is likely to have to put up with some or other farking awful teenager's music of choice.

Nicola - I think you are undoubtedly in a much more difficult, and potentially conflictual, situation than I am. We are basically all quite tolerant of one another's cultural and religious heritage, and pretty open minded about different belief systems, whereas it sounds as if your stepdaughters come from an intolerant heritage. You are hesitating to introduce another viewpoint (despite believing - quite rightly, IMO - that it would be beneficial to your stepdaughters to hear it) because you think it might well lead to head on conflict.

So... I think you should introduce your point of view, but very gently and in a very factual, unemotional way. Maybe you need to have conversations about all sorts of different religious and cultural views? And try to place your stepdaughters' and your own beliefs/traditions within that context?

I do appreciate your thoughts, thanks very much. I don't think they will "grow out it though", if their mother and grandparents are anything to go by (still fully evangelical, very much Bible-waving middle aged adults). I will try however to sometimes introduce the subject in a nonconfrontational manner, if that seems at all possible...

I think you should sit down and talk to them TBH. They are not little children. I am totally opposed to organised religion as well, and would feel a bit uncomfortable in this situation.

Tell them how you feel. ie, you understand that religion is important to them, but you don't feel the same, and feel as passionately about your beliefs they do about theirs. You don't have to shove it down their throats just make them aware of things. After all, tolerance is they key to harmonious step families

I agree with Anna888