SEND SS

[Becka82]

Hi all I'm new to the group and would like some advice please.
My lovely SS is nearly 3 and I have been in his a little over a year. He autistic and non verbal and is currently going through alot of assessments etc to help him get the right support he needs.
I work with children who are autistic, non verbal ADHD etc so have alot of experience.
I feel a very close bond with SS and he will often choose to come to me over his dad if he is upset, tired or wants something. I do alot of speech/play therapy eyc with him when we have him (my husband agreed) I like to be involved/updated on his assessments etc to make sure I am working alongside his personal recommendation. I am wondering if I am to involved as I get upset and feel under valued/appreciated when my husband goes to these assessments/meetings and doesn't tell his ex or the specialist what I am doing or my back ground etc. When I ask him he says it's not all about me and they don't need to know.
Ss has come on so well recently before any interventions have been put in place by his personal therapist etc so I know it's down to the work I do with him and feel a little upset my husband hides it from them.
Am I over stepping the step mum role doing what I do even though his dad has agreed? I know it's the best thing for SS as to be honest his mum and my husband aren't the best of parents unfortunately. Initially my husband ignored my recommendations of ways to help SS but then when he saw the progress he has started listening a little more.
I have 4 children of my own and SS fits in so nicely when he is here and we miss him so much when he goes back to his mum's. I didn't know I could love a child I didn't birth so much.

He's right it's not about you and it's likely if he goes singing your praises it will cause issue. Ultimately it's child's parents responsibility. If he's not a good day why did you marry him?

Unfortunately much as you love this little man your not his parent so keep up what your doing but other than that you need to keep a step back. A little bizarre you saying you have kids but husband not the greatest dad

I didn't want him to sing my praises but for the specialist to realise what intervention was already in place for him.
I have actually been married to him for nearly 18 years, SS was born through an affair which I chose to forgive him for. I didn't say he wasn't a good day I said he wasn't the best.

You're making it all about you, when it's not about you but this little boy. What you know or what your background is is completely irrelevant.

That's what I thought, maybe I'm over stepping the line and not doing what's best for SS. It's hard knowing how much to get involved or not with a SS. Do I just play and love him when he is here and leave all the other stuff for the parents and specialist and try take my professional hat off so to speak????

I’d do the right stuff for the dc but would probably be a bit quiet regarding telling ppl what you are doing.

I think if your husband went into the appt and said my wife is already doing xyz it would undermine the appt. He is there to find out what they are recommending as the best way forward for the child, I also have worked many years with asn so I am by no means saying you aren't qualified, but just as I have worked in that field I am not qualified to set out the plan of action like a doctor etc would be, so your husband is just maybe there taking it all in and trying to no ruffle feathers with his ex.

I also read your update that the baby is an affair baby and you have been married a long time. From the baby's mums perspective hearing how amazing your exs wife is with your child and how much there partbof the family, a family he cheated on, isn't what she needs to hear, and that you love this child the child prefers you to his father etc etc, you have raised 4 children with this man, but this child is not your child and I think you should ease off from the situation, the child has 2 parents and you are neither

It reads really badly like you are his teacher / support worker.

it great you have a good relationship with him .

I have a child with Asd sometimes he just needs to be able to be at home - there is enough interventions elsewhere.

been accepted without having to move forward is important too .

I'm going to disagree with everyone else here, I think his team need to know what you are doing so they can bring their recommendations etc in line with where he's now at.

Also, they may think he's more advanced by himself than he actually is if they don't know you are/have been working with him.

Everyone needs to be singing from the same hymn sheet.

Thank you everyone so glad I asked now as hearing other people's views can help. I can't ask family or friends as they are biased and don't like my husband for obvious reasons so don't really talk to me about my husband or as.
As regards to SS mum she has never liked me again for obvious reasons and I do tread very carefully when we communicate as she knows him best and is his mum and I would never try to make her feel in any way regarding her son. She has been asking for advice recently and we are communicating over messages so I think that's a positive for us to all be working together.
The last comment kinda out it the way I was trying to, I thought it maybe appropriate/necessary the specialists knew the whole picture about the support he has. He has 2 loving homes which bring their own pro's and cons and a lot of people who love him. My 4 children adore him and he lights up when he walks in and see's them.
I find it very hard not to "mother and care" for any child and often come home from work emotional due to the fact I care so much for those children as well. I only ever want what's best for any child whether they are mine, my step child or a child I care for. I am an emotional person lol not always a good thing lol

You're a better woman than most op.

How often do you actually see your SS. Is it a 50/50 arrangement or EOW?

I agree with this too . I am not sure I could get past it .

I disagree with posters saying it’s not all about you. Of course the people assessing need to know what you are doing with him, they might see his improvement and not diagnose him to get him help! Your input of hoe he is can help their case too.

I won't lie it has been hard especially at the beginning with SS mum really hating me (odd as she had the affair with my husband 😤) and not wanting me around her son, which I respected until husband moved back home and then he had no choice but to bring him to our home.
We are heading towards 50/50 but not there yet. SS mum is asking us to have him more and more recently. Not sure why but we are more than happy to have him as much as we can and my husband is thinking we may end up having the roles reversed and him being here more than with his mum.

I’m sorry but you sound like an absolute mug who has even admitted your DH isn’t a great parent. You are seriously overstepping and the whole set up doesn’t sound healthy.

I agree. By not telling the specialists that there is effectively a professional working with him for a large number of hours a week they are hiding hugely important information. They need to know that this is where the lad is with significant intervention.

Bloody hell OP. There is absolutely no way I could accept this situation and go on to love the child, and tiptoe around their parents, so hats of to you for managing that.

I think the idea that you should have to step back/be kept on the down low for the sake of the parents feelings bloody ridiculous given the context of this being an affair baby. So if that's why your DH is doing it I would be absolutely furious. I'm also astounded that he would say something like "it's not all about you" to you. He should be tiptoeing around YOU. It sounds like he's got away with doing the worst thing possible to his spouse and now he doesn't even have to be polite to you about it. I don't know why you're putting up with it, he does not deserve you, your love for his son or the effort you put in. He should be counting his lucky stars every day you're still there, doing what you're doing.

But since you are, I would advise against getting too invested in all this as this is the way it goes with SC - you don't have control, you don't get the rewarding bits, and if the relationship falls apart you might not even see them anymore. I can see you already are invested but you need to be mindful of that.

You sound like an incredibly generous person, @Becka82

It's possible that your DH has a maelstrom of emotion around this little boy - ongoing guilt about the affair and lifelong connection to OW, the struggles his son is experiencing and feeling scared and confused as he navigates a whole new world of special needs.

Possibly even feeling inferior to you because you're an expert in this field and have experience and insight that he doesn't - and a calm approach which may heighten his inner panic. The very person who understands and is making progress with his son is the one he betrayed to create his son. Complex stuff.

But... I'm not excusing his behaviour towards you. If he can't bring himself to be grateful then he should at the very least be supportive and polite.

I would trust your instincts when it comes to helping your SS, but would say/share less with DH on this topic - let him find his own way and hopefully he will come to you more and more when he feels more confident.

But please don't allow yourself to be spoken to unkindly.

I'm not sure I'd be upset from a personal point of view but I would say it's relatively important for whoever is seeing your DSS to know what sort of help he's getting at home. That's pretty standard background information isn't it?

Wow op that's a lot. Your dh should be massively grateful for how you're dealing. Just because dh and ap are tricky should not mean you're not recognized even for basic caring duties. This is a lot. you are not a bit player in their dramas or their sons life.

As an ex health professional who worked in a similar area I would 100% want to know what you were doing. Your positive interventions would impact on plans that I would be advising/putting in place.