Blending family’s big age gap

[Narwhalelife]

My DP has a 3 ur old, I have a 13 yr old, they have met in the back garden of mine and DD’s house but very briefly and it was a bit awkward (as expected). Any ideas of activities or ways we can blend them better. Me and SD get on brilliantly when it’s just us and similarly DP & DD get on great when it’s just us. Just trying to get the family together a bit more but we are not sure how?!

Well you can't really, to be blunt. There's a 10 year age difference. The eldest is hardly going to go down soft play with the youngest, is he?

There is a 8 year age gap between my DSS and my DS (same dad so DSS half brother) and to be honest with that big of an age gap there is very little that I have found that works. Swimming tends to be our main family outing at the weekend. Other then that it's divide and conquer. One of us will do something with DSS and one with the younger ones.

However DSS is now 11 so to be honest rathers hanging out with his mates more than us 🤣

If your DP has a 3 yr old, presume you haven’t been together that long? Possibly way too soon to try and ‘blend’

It will happen the more time you spend as a unit really. Don't force it.

I have a 13 year old and a 4 year old and there isn't much they would do together to be honest! Perhaps swimming or bowling and the beach.

What about going out for a meal somewhere fun like a buffet place? That might give everybody something to talk about/bond over.

I think keeping your expectations low is important - most 13 year olds are getting less and less interested in doing things with their families and more friend-orientated. It's good that you both get on with each other's DC though.

Probably not a lot of days put you could do together but maybe something like the zoo or aquarium? A theme park might work if you split up to go on big/ little rides but then meet up at intervals for lunch, a snack etc. Depending on where you live a trip to the beach is pretty good for all ages, if they have an arcade that’s probably got stuff for older and younger kids.

In the house there might be some activities both would like, depending on their personalities, maybe things like crafts or baking?

Otherwise I would just keep meeting up in low key situations like at each others houses and just make sure both of the kids have their own things to entertainment, I wouldn’t pressure them to actually play or interact with each other a lot, just to get used to each others company.

Paid babysitting whilst the adults do something like decorating in another room? The teen feels needed and rewarded, the toddlers gets entertained, you get to do something you haven’t got round to?

This is a great idea.

We have a similar age gap and it’s tricky to find activities; bowling has worked well (unexpectedly) as the little can use the rails that you can push the ball from, same with the arcade and mini golf has worked out well, as mentioned before zoo and aquarium work for both ages and so does swimming.
I think meeting in a garden would be awkward but doing things together sometimes let’s a teen act like a big kid (that they desperately want to be) and be a bit silly.

I just wouldn’t tbh. We have a similar ish age gap between DP’s dd and my youngest. Stints doing drawing or gardening or cooking and then days out like the beach are ok, but aside from that it’s time spent separately

Very difficult.

I would not be rushing into blending when it will have such a huge affect on your home and childs life.

Is he looking for someone to parent his child?

Be very careful of becoming the aupair for his child.

Do you really wish to start primary school again, and all it involves?

The teen years can be tough and suddenly accommodating very young children in your home is not fun.

Your job is to put YOUR child first here not your boyfriend and his child in a mad rush of blood to your head.

Do not be forcing this small child on your teen.

Respect that your child may not have any interest in spending time with them.

@billy1966 you are so right. There are hundreds of threads on here where a woman seems to end up as the unpaid au pair to new DPs children. I wouldn’t be so weary if the ages of your children were the other way around.
What is the great need to blend? Sounds like it would be most difficult for your DD.

Why on earth are you trying to find ways to make the children ‘blend’? It’s just completely unrealistic.

It’s not ‘getting the family together’ from the children’s perspective. For your 13 year old, it’s a very small child who belongs to her mum’s boyfriend.

I suspect @billy1966’s instincts are right and this is driven by your partner wanting you around to do the parenting of his child.

My two children have a 10 year age gap and adore each other and play very well together.

They’re siblings though. It makes a huge difference.

This isn’t a sibling the OP’s DD has lived with all the younger child’s life. It’s a 3 year old who she’s met once and has no reason to be spending a lot of time together.

Even if the OP and her partner were to live together, a small child who (from the 13 year old’s perspective) visits every couple of weekends is not going to be a significant feature of her life. Insisting she spends those weekends (which may be her only contact weekends with her mum) in soft play with a 3 year old so they can ‘blend’ is ridiculous.

Some teens love small children (mine do) and some can't relate to them (I couldn't when I was that age). Just don't force it would be my advice, and try not to have any expectations.