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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Both with kids, aged 10 to 16, how can we have more time together?

14 replies

Fullofdoubtsme · 01/06/2023 21:55

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 1 year. We are in our 40s and both have 2 kids - mine 13/16 and his 10/13.
None of our families know about us as it took a while for us to assume the relationship between us (we were recently leaving long term relationships and weren't sure we wanted to comit, and also didn't feel like telling it to our exs would help the separations processes)
It was ok then to only meet every other week and for a few hours, but now as the relationship matured and we are very much in love, it just simply isn't enough. We want to be in each other's lives and share mundane moments, not just "dates". We live 50min drive apart so really I wanted us to spend more days at each other's houses, but not just when we are off from kids etc. Seems like we are always last priority as can only meet when nothing else on.
Can anyone suggest any schedule and how yo bring kids into the relationship? I guess my kids would be fine as a bit older, his kids a bit trickier but I see so many kids with stepparents I feel we are being overly cautious and wasting precious time between us - I wouldn't mind being with him and his kids, or him with my kids, or us both with the 4 kids even 😅
Just want to live these experiences together...

OP posts:

nahwhale · 02/06/2023 06:39

I feel we are being overly cautious and wasting precious time between us no I think you're doing a grand job as it is.

I would start by telling the kids about your relationship separately, I'm surprised you've managed to not tell them for 52 weeks! Then when they've got their head around that you can tell them about him, he's got kids, what his job is etc. Then introduce him to them, perhaps ago bowling or something. Repeat this for his kids when he feels they are ready. I think then you just have to see how the kids take it and if they are ready to meet the other kids etc.

PerryMenno · 02/06/2023 06:42

Do the kids have contact time with the other parent?

The first thing DP and I did was (quietly, without saying why) jiggle things around so our time without kids aligned.

Later, we moved to him spending time with my kids and vice versa.

We still don't live together and the kids very rarely see each other (they are old enough to stay home on their own).

GoalShooter · 02/06/2023 06:44

Do the kids spend time with their other parent? Do you have your kids on the same or opposite weekends?

I understand that you were cautious at first but after a year together I think it's time to start telling your families.

feralunderclass · 02/06/2023 06:59

Read the blended family threads on here and then you will realize that you really aren't wasting precious time. You want to spend the mundane moments together and as a family but the dc might have very different ideas. You need to tell the dc and give them time to digest before you move onto spending time all together. From what you've said, it hasn't been that long since you broke up with their DF. It's highly unlikely that they will feel ready to switch to the blended family mode that you have in mind. Just take your time.

nahwhale · 02/06/2023 07:10

The first thing DP and I did was (quietly, without saying why) jiggle things around so our time without kids aligned I'd be careful with this. One of my DSC got very annoyed with her weekend with her mum being "shared" every time. A one of rejiggle after a holiday fine - but we were being asked every time her partners contact with his kids shifted. That and she was bever

nahwhale · 02/06/2023 07:11

*never honest with DH about why and just kept being cryptic etc. Expecting a favour without being honest about why really got DH's back up. Once he told her to just say it was to match his kids it got much better and he was more likely to switch around.

Mari9999 · 02/06/2023 12:17

@Fullofdoubtsme
You each know your particular kids. You should be guided not by what or how kids in general would respond but by how the 4 kids involved will respond

Your kids may be ready for this introduction and the level of involvement that you are proposing. His kids may or may not be ready. It is also possible that he may not be ready , for reasons of his own, to involve his kids.
He may find the current level of contact between the 2 of you sufficient .

What's the rush? He may just be adapting to the solo parenting role and may not be ready to add step parenting to his resume. His children may still be learning to be alone with dad, and they may not yet be prepared to share his attention with 3 unrelated people. It is also possible that your 2 children may not yet be ready to share your attention with 3 unrelated strangers.

It is so important to gauge the individual readiness level of each of the involved parties.

If your relationship cannot stand the stress of a bit of distance and time, it may not be a relationship that is ready for prime time.

Wizzbangfizz · 02/06/2023 13:22

I don’t think you are being overly cautious at all I think you are putting your children first which is really important! Look at the threads on here as a cautionary tale about what happens when you “blend” to soon - take your time and I’m sure you will have a happy life together!

Original poster

Fullofdoubtsme · 12/06/2023 23:32

Thanks @nahwhale my daughter actually knows and seems at ease and happy for me (shes 16) but never really asks anything, think finds it weird in a way but would be ok with meeting him.
I guess you are right, need to introdução topic and see how they take it. What about exs? Should we worry?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fullofdoubtsme · 12/06/2023 23:33

That sounds.like what we are trying, aligning days with/without kids first but I really didnt want this hard schedule... my kids are happy on their own too. Nice that you managed it :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Fullofdoubtsme · 12/06/2023 23:39

@PerryMenno that was for you haha
This is all so helpful
Yes need to put kids first... its just that after a marriage where I felt my needs were neglected for 2 decades, I long for the freedom to just be, without complications and "secrets"...
I think I'll just be open with kids about me dating, and when I'm seeing him, but say even if I'd like them to meet him, I can wait a bit more for them to tell me they are ready. They may not think too much of it, I'm not sure.
Agree with his kids seems it'll be trickier which is hard to manage emotionally... i know it isnt about me, but his kids emotions, but it still isnt great to be kept in this paralel universe...

OP posts:

PerryMenno · 13/06/2023 00:33

I think you're on the right track, it's OK to take things super slowly especially if you are still bruised from past relationships!

ihateaparade · 15/06/2023 19:03

Do you mind saying what your current contact schedules look like?

Original poster

Fullofdoubtsme · 27/06/2023 01:05

@ihateaparade neither of us have an official one. We are both gearing to 50/50 but kids have been staying where they want really (mainly at old fam home with the mums) and splitting weekends, but seeing dads for tea/sports clubs some weekday evenings.
It makes our schedule as a couple harder too specially with us still keeping things discrete :(

OP posts:

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