"Nothing to do with me"

[BIGbangRaj]

So my partner has 2 kids... one isn't biologically his, in her 30s , other is his in 30s.
From get go , one who isn't his, he's treated the same inputting in her life, from the first few months.
Now obviously, it's not the same situation, But we've been together 4 years, my older kids see their dad, youngest doesn't.
He's been living with us.
But if theres issues/conflict in the house, daft stuff like im working more so might need help around house or have u cleaned room, his go to is it's nothing to do with me...
I know they're my kids my responsibility, I think it just stings a bit that he willingly stepped up to help out before .
My kids , eldest 2, witnessed abuse from previous relationship and have said since they wished they were old enough to intervene.
Few weeks ago we argued and my eldest 2 came down to see if I was OK....
Partner took offence...I said its because witnessed abuse b4 and protective over me and younger sibling.
May sound like I'm trying to find dad for my youngest n that's not the case xx

Move him out again.

He’s showing you exactly who he is. Do you want your kids to grow up like this?

Move him out… and don’t move anyone else in. The only one who benefits from this arrangement is him. You don’t have to split up if you love him, but you don’t have to live with him either. Haven’t your kids ( and you) suffered enough because of your poor choices with men?

OP, did ever occur to you that having once stepped into a relationship with someone's child that lessons learned may have him unwilling to assume that role again.

He may be willing to be your partner , but unwilling to play a step parenting role. That does not make him a bad or unkind person. He is just someone who has walked that path before and who seemingly does not want to go down that path again.

Actually, it may be better if all issues related to the children are handled by you. It lessens confusion and conflict.

If his position makes you uncomfortable, have him move out. You can remain together just living apart. That allows you to keep the relationship without any expectations related to your children.

From reading previous posts about partners being expected to take on responsibilities, if it was expected of a woman everybody would be saying that responsibility shouldn’t be dumped on them, that the father is wrong for just expecting things - he should ask, he’s using the woman and looking for a replacement mother etc. I’ve read them. (not at all saying that’s what you’re doing yourself , just an observation)

Have you talked about expectations? Did you discuss what you would like his role to be before he moved in? Did you give him a chance to decide for himself? Is your living situation/relationship conditional?
In life in general when we have unspoken expectations of people we often end up disappointed. He could be trying to avoid conflict that can easily happen when getting involved in things like asking kids to clean their room and complete tasks, any form of discipline/pointing out bad behaviour, endless list, it’s a minefield.
I suggest having a talk with him so you can both be open about expectations of your relationship and the level of involvement with your children, what’s acceptable and what’s not, and about whether living together is the best option for everyone. Living apart but maintaining a relationship is absolutely an option.

What exactly is it that you're expecting of him, which he's unwilling to get involved in?

This

I only get involved if the kids are going to injure shared DC or each other or myself or the house. Apart from that I leave them to their squabbles.

He needs to move out. Pronto.

Bit bizarre the responses saying he needs to move out, seems a bit dramatic based on the limited evidence you've provided.

What sorts of things are you asking him to do that he says no to? Does he pull his weight in terms of his own housework around the house, rather than the stuff to do with the kids?

Why on earth does he need to move out for this?

It looks like the children involved have been through a lot, that's not something he should tread on lightly. A supportive adult in the home is probably far better than someone else to be in charge of them right now.

How is he in other respects? Does he pull his weight? Is he kind to your DC?

I would query though how much you argue, is it often, I would be very mindful of your children's feeling of security in their home.

Why are you expecting him to parent your children?

The usual step parenting hatred comes out - he has done nothing wrong.

I can’t see what he has done wrong here?

How old are your children, I’m assuming there’s a fair size age gap between yours and his?

As long as he's doing his fair share around the house, I think that's enough.

If the kids won't do as you ask, they're unlikely to appreciate him telling them what to do, and then you'll have even more issues on your hands.

Well either you’re a team or you’re not and he’s showing you’re not. My stepchild lives with us and part of us living together is that we work together, we wouldn’t have it any other way but other people are different and you need a conversation with him about what he sees his role as.

Thanks for replies and giving me different perspectives.
I think when he says it's / they're nothing to do with me, I take that as its me and my kids and then him separate, rather than one family unit.
Silly things like he will moan about my son being online gaming loud but won't say to him keep noise down.

Reading the replies yes I guess I am moaning over nothing, he does do few jobs around the house and he is worried if he intervenes with parenting/ disciplining the kids , that they will hate him.

To be fair it's not really for him to parent or discipline them - that's your job.

OP - I think your partners actions are pretty much what is promoted on this board - that the parents are responsible for their children.

re the older DSD, from the ages he bought her up from baby/toddler which is different to your DC.

Personally, I think families operate better as a team (this doesn’t mean SP is put upon, all parties active, engaged and respected), but it seems from this board quite a few have various carefully measured units in terms of time, resources, input.

It's nothing to do with me" and "they're nothing to do with me" are two different statements and if its "they're" then I can see that might be hurtful.

Also, he should be saying to them if it's him who is not happy about something, not expecting you to be stuck in the middle over something you don't see as an issue, e.g gaming noise. Same as if he was sick of the mess they make, but it didn't particularly bother you, I'd expect him to say something.

But that is just the same as I wouldn't really expect him to pick them up on things which only you are unhappy with, or expect of them e.g tidy bedrooms.

Do you want him disciplining your kids? Would they accept that? The example you give is him doing exactly the right thing. He’s raised an issue with you instead of risking being told it’s not his job to intervene and it’s up to you how you deal with the excess noise.