Page 2 | Holiday with grown up step-children

Gingerbray · 2023-05-26T09:55:52+00:00

Hi, please help with a bit of perspective, I'm wondering if I'm out of order. My husband says he doesnt want to go on holiday if my stepkids (19, 20, 24) arent offered a place. For some background I was left some money by my uncle I wanted to use it to take our daughter (9) to Disney. We can afford for us 3 to go but couldn't include the older kids. We have been on lots of lovely family holidays before. Am I being unfair wanting to just go as a 3 this time?

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Neodymium · 27/05/2023 07:31

to be honest if they are the type of kids who at the age of 24 would be mad they aren’t being invited on a holiday to be paid for by parents, then I think he’s messed up parenting somewhere. 24 is well and truely an adult and should be paying their own way.

reminds me of someone I knew whose daughter got pregnant at 18 and then had a baby while still living at home, and they couldn’t understand why her ex (who is the baby’s grandfather) shouldn’t just carry on paying child support for them.

Chunkychips23 · 27/05/2023 07:43

If DP desperately wants them to come, he should pay for them. I can’t see adult children throwing a temper tantrum if they can’t get to go to Disneyland. If they do, then there are bigger issues to address there.

Not all young adults in their early twenties are financially independent. My DP’s 20yr old does work full time, still lives at home but never has any money - DP is having to pay for him to come on his stag weekend. If it was just a general holiday and he couldn’t afford to pay it, he’d have to miss out.

Your DP can’t punish your 9yr old because his adult children can’t come. His rejection there will be more damaging for the child then excluding adult children!

It’s a good idea to look to go with your mum instead. Leave it to DP to explain to your 9yr old why he is refusing to come

aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2023 08:02

AWhaleSwamBy · 27/05/2023 06:18

Everyone seems to be assuming the Dad wants his older kids to go because of fairness but it might also be because kids can be brilliant fun at those ages. He might genuinely want them there because he thinks you will all have a better time with them there than without. His kids are at an age where they might soon be too busy with there own lives to take a holiday with each other and their Dad and little sister (and step mum 😁)
People seem to be seeing this in such a negative way.

Because if that were the case he wouldn't be saying he won't go without them, he'd just be suggesting it. That IS negative.

Doidontimmm · 27/05/2023 08:51

My kids would be gutted if we went to Disney without them lol! Even at nearly 20 & 23! Anywhere else they’d not care! I’ve already said we will take my step granddaughter when she is old enough & they said they would be happy to pay to come (if they still wanted to at that time!)

candlesflamesandbrooms · 27/05/2023 08:59

AWhaleSwamBy · 27/05/2023 06:18

Everyone seems to be assuming the Dad wants his older kids to go because of fairness but it might also be because kids can be brilliant fun at those ages. He might genuinely want them there because he thinks you will all have a better time with them there than without. His kids are at an age where they might soon be too busy with there own lives to take a holiday with each other and their Dad and little sister (and step mum 😁)
People seem to be seeing this in such a negative way.

I don't think anyone is objecting that they come.

I think people view OPs DH instances that they come and op pay for it and turning it into a whole drama ridden with guilt ridiculous.

That is a negative that DH won't go with his child to Disneyland because op won't fund the adult DSC coming.

What does that tell the younger child ? All whom are his children so of equal value.

I get being disappointed but if he had offered to reach in his pocket to find a way for them to come I would have a bit more sympathy.

Also adult children will want to do very different things than a 9 year old at Disney. I wouldn't expect a teen to have fun at soft play with toddlers, the reverse is also true.

PrinceHaz · 27/05/2023 09:03

They’re adults. My own 17 year old wants no further family holidays so not sure why he thinks they’d even want to go - unless the family are all ‘in this house we do Disney’ type of people.

CwmYoy · 27/05/2023 09:03

Your DH is a coward. His kids are adults and he should just tell them he's going. If they want to come they can pay for themselves.

aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2023 09:20

I don't really agree with all the "they wouldn't want to go anyway" comments - I'd still happily go on holidays with my parents at that age (especially if they paid) and we weren't Disney super fans by any means but I'd still have been interested to go there, and still would to this day! I find it annoying when people assume all young adults are going to hate spending time with their parents, I don't think that's a given.

But it's not really the point here. Even if they'd LIKE to come, it's not inappropriate to say they're too old to be paid for now, they will need to adjust to that normal life change. And he also needs to be realistic about his family situation and recognise he also has a much younger child to consider and a wife who will have resources that won't always be available to his other kids, who have their own mum.

funinthesun19 · 27/05/2023 09:33

AWhaleSwamBy · 27/05/2023 06:18

Everyone seems to be assuming the Dad wants his older kids to go because of fairness but it might also be because kids can be brilliant fun at those ages. He might genuinely want them there because he thinks you will all have a better time with them there than without. His kids are at an age where they might soon be too busy with there own lives to take a holiday with each other and their Dad and little sister (and step mum 😁)
People seem to be seeing this in such a negative way.

It’s the cost though. Even if OP thought yes it will be great fun to have them along, it’s 3 adults worth of money that she might want to spend on other things. In other words, they’re not a priority as far as her money is concerned. They are adults and she doesn’t have to spend thousands of pounds on 3 adults if she doesn’t want to.

ToBMarried24 · 27/05/2023 18:50

aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2023 09:20

I don't really agree with all the "they wouldn't want to go anyway" comments - I'd still happily go on holidays with my parents at that age (especially if they paid) and we weren't Disney super fans by any means but I'd still have been interested to go there, and still would to this day! I find it annoying when people assume all young adults are going to hate spending time with their parents, I don't think that's a given.

But it's not really the point here. Even if they'd LIKE to come, it's not inappropriate to say they're too old to be paid for now, they will need to adjust to that normal life change. And he also needs to be realistic about his family situation and recognise he also has a much younger child to consider and a wife who will have resources that won't always be available to his other kids, who have their own mum.

I agree. If my parents offered for myself to go on holiday with them then I’d go.

If the offered to take me to Disney and pay for me then I’d defo be there! And I’m not a hardcore Disney fan.

That aside, OP absolutely go and take your child. Never let your child miss out. Have a great time.

I went last year with my kids and LOVED it and so did my kids.

AWhaleSwamBy · 27/05/2023 23:41

The OP is married so even though this is 'her' inheritance I wonder if the husband sees it this way. Lots of couples have separate finances but I bet MN would be giving different answers if the sexes were reversed and the OP was the husband.

MIL's of step kids are often slated when they don't treat the step kids as equals

aSofaNearYou · 28/05/2023 08:49

AWhaleSwamBy · 27/05/2023 23:41

The OP is married so even though this is 'her' inheritance I wonder if the husband sees it this way. Lots of couples have separate finances but I bet MN would be giving different answers if the sexes were reversed and the OP was the husband.

MIL's of step kids are often slated when they don't treat the step kids as equals

I would think the same if OP were a man.

DP and I have shared finances generally but an understanding that DSS related expenses aren't really a part of that and wouldn't be coming from my money, in a circumstance where money came in that was notably "mine", as opposed to wages which just go in the pot to pay bills primarily.

If I had inheritance it would go on DP and I, or towards our shared DC. When DP gets his he can split it between his kids.

Louoby · 02/06/2023 18:53

If it was me I would say now they are adults they will need to fund the trip themselves but they would be more than welcome if they could afford it. It's ridiculous your DH won't go. His 13 year old is the one that pays the price.