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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partners Ex Baby Mum

17 replies

strugglingstepmom1 · 24/05/2023 17:33

Firstly, hello everyone! I need advice on a situation that has been bothering me for some time. My current partners baby mum situation is just a total nightmare. We have been together for over a year now and things seem to take 2 steps forward and then 5 steps backwards with his baby mum. They have been split up for around 4 years now and have a 3 year old son. She has no interest in work and relies on my partners child maintenance and benefits to live even though she could work but has openly said why should she. Anyway, we both work 40 hours a week and he has his son every other Saturday or Sunday on a weekend and every Wednesday and Friday night. She is so demanding and threatens him to not see his child if he doesn’t agree to her demands which are ridiculous at times. Her morals change demanding on whether it benefits her or not such as when she wants to go out on the weekend. It’s exhausting for us both and I can’t imagine the strain it must have on the child meeting different men every week. This nightmare doesn’t seem like it’s going to end and I’m worried I can’t handle it for much longer. I could see the rest of my life with this man and it breaks my heart to even have to do this.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 24/05/2023 18:02

strugglingstepmom1 · 24/05/2023 17:33

Firstly, hello everyone! I need advice on a situation that has been bothering me for some time. My current partners baby mum situation is just a total nightmare. We have been together for over a year now and things seem to take 2 steps forward and then 5 steps backwards with his baby mum. They have been split up for around 4 years now and have a 3 year old son. She has no interest in work and relies on my partners child maintenance and benefits to live even though she could work but has openly said why should she. Anyway, we both work 40 hours a week and he has his son every other Saturday or Sunday on a weekend and every Wednesday and Friday night. She is so demanding and threatens him to not see his child if he doesn’t agree to her demands which are ridiculous at times. Her morals change demanding on whether it benefits her or not such as when she wants to go out on the weekend. It’s exhausting for us both and I can’t imagine the strain it must have on the child meeting different men every week. This nightmare doesn’t seem like it’s going to end and I’m worried I can’t handle it for much longer. I could see the rest of my life with this man and it breaks my heart to even have to do this.

Can you break down what it is that's troubling you?

Is it the amount of maintenance your DP pays?

Is it the amount of access time he has with the child?

Is it the fact that she seems to have a number of men in and out of her life?

Or that she changes the goalposts frequently (can you give an example)?

It's not clear what the problem is.

Franxx68 · 24/05/2023 18:34

Sorry to sound blunt but it's quite obvious. He needs to get a court order asap and a schedule of contact drawn up. She can't just not give him access to his child. If he doesn't do this it will just keep happening.

SavBlancTonight · 24/05/2023 18:42

So he left her when she got pregnant? My antennae go up.immediately on hearing that.

She openly says she doesn't see why she should work? Are you sure about that? Have you heard her say this? How practical is it for her to work considering she had the child 9 out of 14 days?

What are your actual concerns? What he pays? How much he sees his son? Changing schedules?

GoalShooter · 24/05/2023 18:44

Can you give a few examples of the ridiculous demands OP?

nicelyno · 24/05/2023 21:31

hi!

How do you know she is introducing her child to a different man each week?

He left her while she was pregnant is that right? Or did she leave him?

You've only been together a year, seriously it shouldn't be this hard.

nicelyno · 24/05/2023 21:32

Can he go to mediation to try and fix a proper contact schedule and through CMS to fix proper maintenance

Azerothi · 24/05/2023 23:08

Do you live with this current boyfriend? You sound way overinvested in this relationship considering you've only been together for a year, you call yourself his stepmum and call him your partner. Why do you have to get so overinvolved in a new relationship, it shouldn't be so hard. I would be very sceptical of everything he is saying about her, it is always the same story on here.

Your boyfriend's ex will have a whole different story to tell.

Ponderingwindow · 24/05/2023 23:13

Why hasn’t he gone to court to get a formal custody agreement in place? Is he prepared to pay half of childcare costs, do half of drop offs and pickups, cover half of sick days, doctors appts, and school holidays to make it possible for the mother of his child to actually earn a living?

Laurdo · 25/05/2023 07:14

He needs to get a court order in place so she can't threaten to withhold access. Then he needs to block her and communicate via email only. I'd recommend setting up a separate email address so he doesn't get constant notifications. Any changes to the schedule can be requested via email and he doesn't have to agree to them if they don't suit.

Whether she chooses to work or not is irrelevant to both of you and none of your business. Although not ideal to be introducing the kid to multiple men, again it's really none of your business what she does on her scheduled time. If your partner has concerns then maybe he should go for more than 1 or 2 nights a week in court.

FriendsDrinkBook · 25/05/2023 07:18

I know that you want to support him , but you sound far too involved. What is he doing to help himself?

If you can't detach a little it might be best to walk away.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2023 07:21

Why have you got two threads on this, and why are such pertinent "facts" different on both threads?

Ontomatopea · 25/05/2023 07:24

Yeah just how old is this child OP?

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 25/05/2023 07:27

I would be highly unimpressed if my exs girlfriend referred to me as his 'baby mum' and referred to herself in usernames as a stepmom after a year for a start.

Campervangirl · 25/05/2023 08:20

If she's responsible for a 3yr old for the majority of the time she'll find it difficult to get a job around the DC, then factor in nursery fees, having a job that works around drop off / pick up when DC starts school, it's not quite as easy as just getting a job.
If it's changing routine / access for your oh that bothers you your oh can go to court for access.
Personally, I'd leave them to sort it out between them, it's not your issue, they're the parents

billy1966 · 25/05/2023 08:28

Why are your standards so low that you want to be involved in his mess.

He left before his child was born?

What a prince.🙄

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 25/05/2023 09:11

Actually. I'd like to add to my previous post. My DC dad paid very little maintenance (before he stopped paying at all). I was also responsible for everything for them. When they were 3, I had to leave employment because I had no support with childcare and I couldn't find a job willing to work around the limited hours I could do due to childcare arrangements with a childminder. Nobody would take someone who could only work same days every week and had to leave in an instant if the child took ill or there was an issue with childcare and had to call in sick or leave early. Its not as simple as you're making out and I highly doubt this poor woman is living a life of luxury with child maintenance and basic benefits. I sure as hell wasn't. It's none of your business. You're interfering and frankly it doesn't sound like 'baby dad' going by your own style of language, is bending over backwards to help. If he doesn't like it then maybe he should stop reproducing only to whinge about it. He sounds more of an ass than the mother.

aSofaNearYou · 25/05/2023 09:40

Honestly OP I'd leave. If his situation is bringing stress into your life then he isn't a good partner for you, there will be other men who you could envision your life with. Take it as a life lesson that men with kids aren't worth the hassle.

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