How sacrosanct is contact?

[changewhale]

My DH has eoweekend and he visits them in the week he doesn't have the weekend. He also has them 50/50 in the holidays. There have been three occasions in the 7+ years I have known him where I have asked if he could ask to rearrange as I felt he was needed for hospital appointments for either myself or our shared DC. He has refused. Am I being unreasonable to ask this? I worry about what would happen in an emergancy on a contact day. For context DH has picked up extra days when ex wife needed it for similar and less.

Your ex could choose to be flexible even if the contact is court-ordered, but for whatever reason he isn’t willing to be. Which is annoying.

I can see why you are concerned about his inflexibility. But crucially it seems like the contact arrangement is largely working. Often enough they don’t work at all which can mean new applications and returning to court.

I think flexibility is better, and yes we've shifted things around many times to make things more convenient at both ends. I don't think 3 occasions in 7 years is very much to ask.

If you have children together and you've known him for over 7 years, surely his own kids must be teenagers by now. He will gain some flexibility as they get older

Op have you raised this with him and what did he say ?

With my Dd - I have no problem being flexible with my ex and sm. He gets all weird about asking and I have repeatedly told him it doesn't matter, shit happens and plans change and as long as it's not every week a bit of flexibility is the least we can do for our Dd.

I think he feels strongly that he’s doing the right thing. And it’s good to see a man committed to his kids, let’s face it. But the problem with his inflexible approach, especially when you have children of your own, is that it can lead to resentment on your side; a feeling that that’s his “most important thing” (and, of course, by implication, that you and your kids are somehow lesser). And that’s not good for anyone, or family harmony in general. Because that starts to fester and when there’s an occasion where he needs you to be flexible for his kids’ benefit, you’re far less likely to want to oblige. So it can be a counterproductive approach in the long term.

@WimpoleHat Yes that is it. Those 3 times are just the times I have asked him. There have been other times I could have done with him rearranging and thought he might want to but have left it to him to decide, especially since we had shared DC. I feel a bit like I'm a single parent at times which I guess is silly but on those days it's like I am the sole person available for DC.

Yes I'm not sure if this is driving his renewed determination to stick to it - he knows they will want to drop some contact at some point so they can do stuff with their mates.

That's exactly it. He has 3 kids and I know he sees DC more but its about being there when needed for each of them. And then there's me! I would have liked him there for one of my appointments as it was I had to go on my own.

He just says "you can't expect me to give up contact"

So he didn't ask his ex to rearrange?

Well you know where you and your DC stand, just pencil in he's not available and do whatever.

When his older children don't want to see him he will find his younger ones are too busy doing their own stuff.

What happens when they are there regarding your kids? Does he not help with them?

@WimpoleHat I mean it's not a matter of skipping contact ? That's not what your asking, it's just asking for a swap.

I suspect my ex is like this and I have repeatedly said he doesn't need to be 😵‍💫
Do you think it's guilts driving this ?

The problem with this approach - “my contact” - is that, while he feels it works better in the short term, it ultimately causes a big divide in the family. And things naturally change and evolve within families as children get older - and being incredibly rigid at any point can prevent that evolution from happening and just cements a “two separate families” approach forever. How old are all the kids involved? That makes a big difference too, I think.

I haven't asked my DHs specific thoughts on this but he seems to think that who needs what at what time is the most important thing.
So contact with DSD was cancelled when I was in hospital having our stillborn son and recovering from multiple organ failure. Also cancelled when our eldest DS was in intensive care. And when our youngest had to be delivered early. And when we had a houseful of the dreaded Noro.
He is also there for all hospital appointments regardless of whether we have DSD or not as she's now old enough to be left for an hour or so but even before that he made other arrangements for her if there was going to be a clash when she was younger.
I don't think I could go through life with a man whose sole and only priority was his eldest child. It is a selfish and self indulgent attitude. If he wanted to prioritise contact above all else he had zero business marrying or having more DC IMO.

Nice to see a dad being a stable and reliable parent.

Got to be honest, if they were your kids together, you wouldn’t have asked for changes.

i appreciate there’s a life outside kids, but if he is inflexible about it, that also means stable, and people can plan months in advance, and so if compromises are required for whatever events or circumstances come up, it is what it is and you have to plan around the kids.

that’s how it’s meant to be when you’ve had them.

we rearrange when ever we need to. DSD also rearranges sometimes… I think we have both altered contact twice this year already.

Infact we have DSD this weekend instead of next weekend as it’s her birthday so we are going out for the day and getting food.

We have plans next weekend so it worked out perfectly.

I don't think I could go through life with a man whose sole and only priority was his eldest child. It is a selfish and self indulgent attitude. If he wanted to prioritise contact above all else he had zero business marrying or having more DC IMO.

That’s an interesting take on the old “shouldn’t have married a man with kids” trope - and there’s a lot of truth in that. And it sounds like you have a successful blended family, @Yousee, where your DSD is part of the mix. The situation I’ve seen at closest quarters where the dad was like @changewhale’s DH didn’t work out that well longer term. There was a situation with a father who had a “sacrosanct contact” approach and a child who basically had the run of the house, with the much younger children basically pushed out of their own usual spaces and routines. So the mother would pretty religiously take her own children out as much as possible and they all developed quite a fun, but totally independent life. But then the DH’s son grew up and moved away and - obviously - didn’t want a regular contact pattern any more. And didn’t want to go away for the weekend or a week’s holiday with his dad. And the DH then really wanted an “all muck in together blended family”, but his wife and younger kids didn’t - as his son wasn’t someone that they’d been around much and didn’t know that well. (It’s all fine - and perfectly pleasant - but it’s very formal. The younger kids see him as a distant cousin rather than a sibling, if you see what I mean?). And I know the dad in that scenario feels really sad about the way that all turned out; it wasn’t his intention and he was genuinely just trying to do the best thing by his son in difficult circumstances. But he’s ended up with two entirely separate families.

Got to be honest, if they were your kids together, you wouldn’t have asked for changes. they aren't and there's another parent who might be able to help that's the difference.

Yes I can see the eldest DSC already wanting a more flexible approach

@WimpoleHat I like to think we do have quite a successful blended family, yes. The kids adore each other, relationship with ex is friendly and respectful, give and take on both sides, no one child is set above the others, no angst about "fairness" so much as making sure everyone's needs are met according to ages and circumstances.
There are many posters on this board who have tried to tell me that my family can't possibly be a success as I don't see DSD as a child of mine, don't see that she's more important than my children, that my children shouldn't exist as they take resources away from DSD (maintenance has remained the same) blah blah blah. Always something to get their knickers in a twist over.
But we are all happy and the kids are all taken care of and that's what matters.

I guess it's just hit me a bit. Is he never going to come to a parents evening if it's a contact day?

How old are his kids OP? I asked what he does during contact time earlier but you didn't answer - if they're teens could he not just leave them at home to do things like parents evenings and hospital appointments? Would he not do that?

That would be ridiculous and I personally wouldn’t put up with it.
Rather be a single mum then have someone behave like that.

I don't think both parents need to attend parents evening tbh.

I actually most parents want to attend their kids parents evening. Both parents. Why would you not want to see how your child is developing and getting on at school?

He attends for his SDC.