Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Rude Stepdaughter (20yrs)due home all summer

28 replies

WornoutStepMum · 21/05/2023 12:24

I married DH 5yrs ago after 3yrs of friendship..bringing my 2 teen DDs & 2SK's under one roof. They've always been ok - no major issues except SD playing up at school a bit but if I'd known what it would've been like with such a rude antisocial SD and a passive Dad when it comes to discipline then I'd have at least waited til they left home .
Now I look like the baddie because I finally snapped & went off on a family group chat 2 days before a holiday / work party week together with DH and young-adult SK's. It's a mess and I'm all spent out emotionally.
Having snapped I began to search online for help and advice and that's how I found this site. Stepping back got me through the week away. I detached, I consistently and gently made sure hubby knew that SD's bad attitude is his (& BM's) responsibility and I kept quiet.
SKs lived with us (& my DDs) full time but all now left home or at uni .... SD is due back for the summer but was told by DH during our week away that this is under review due to her poor attitude toward us. Lo and behold she started being nicer to me from then on. What a surprise ( she has her own room here and plenty of space which she doesn't have at BM's).
The thing is - In the 8yrs I have known SD she's only addressed me by my name once... ONCE! Before that I was " that woman " "she" and talked about to DH rather than spoken to ... now I'm just ignored and only asked something if she needs something... even though I was working 3 jobs and running the house and raising 4 teens, I did absolutely everything for her (& the others) since she was 12 ... but still she can't call me by my name or address or interact with me . I filled every gap & did absolutely everything which was a huge mistake ( hubby also worked v hard but is oblivious when it comes to being an observant parent who disciplines and guides - especially in social situations).
I'm done trying and I refuse to have her here all summer( I'm now at home full time on a home based project ) whilst DH is out 13 hrs a day working.
BM works in a school so she's available all summer but BM left DH and SKs so in DH eyes we are the primary household. In my mind she should go to BMs and visit DH during the weekend when he's not working. She needs discipline and input from her parents and that's their availability. I’m not her parent and she doesn’t respond to me anyway. DH won't agree, but he might go along with it ... he thinks BM is too damaging for SD to be there all the time ( I don't agree - she's not doing anything bad or illegal etc - she's just self absorbed).
I'm exhausted, I just can't face being ignored all summer by someone in my own home. I have enough of my own stuff going on to take this back on too -It's all feeling too much and I frankly I want her parents to step up to the plate and take responsibility for her.

OP posts:

marshmallowmatcha · 21/05/2023 12:31

She's 20 so not much parents can do now. That ship has sailed. Can you go away with your kids on holiday and leave them to it?

MichelleScarn · 21/05/2023 12:34

She's 20, she's an adult and needs to behave like one!

Floofydawg · 21/05/2023 12:37

I wouldn't have her there either. Send her to her mother's, especially if her dad isn't going to be around.

marshmallowmatcha · 21/05/2023 12:38

Floofydawg · 21/05/2023 12:37

I wouldn't have her there either. Send her to her mother's, especially if her dad isn't going to be around.

I don't think at 20 you can really send her away to her mothers. Just say no, not here. And let her sort out where she's going this summer.

StopStartStop · 21/05/2023 12:40

BM?
Needs discipline?
I think you might need to review and adjust your attitudes to parenting. You're talking about an adult.
Put the past aside and focus on how you'll cope with having a young woman in the house. If you can't do it, say so, and make other plans.

pikkumyy77 · 21/05/2023 12:41

You do need a reset. I think your suggestion that she move to her mother’s for the summer makes sense.

grayhairdontcare · 21/05/2023 12:43

Discuss with your husband now the boundaries that need to be put in place for the summer...
Address by your name
Polite at all times
He is in sole charge of anything she needs or wants
No disruption to the household or other members.
Then he phones her and discusses this with her and if she doesn't agree then she can't come back.
If she comes back and doesn't abide by this then she has to leave immediately.
If he won't do this then you have a husband problem and not a step daughter problem

Original poster

WornoutStepMum · 21/05/2023 12:44

The summer is 3.5 months so I’d struggle to be away that long to be honest as I care for my disabled parent - though it had crossed my mind !
I find they still need and respond to some guidance/ input at 20.. but obviously not like a younger child needs. She’s dependent on us financially and in other ways too so we still have space to input and give direction.
she said she’s going to have a rest and not get a job !!! - (but she’s dependent on us financially & also talking about getting a new tattoo which I won’t be finding the money for believe me !!!???!!!! )
if she ends up here all summer then I think I will put my ‘at home’ work on hold and get a job for a few months to get me out of the house !!!

OP posts:

Daffodilmorning · 21/05/2023 12:45

I sympathise and her dad should have dealt with this years ago (for her sake as much as yours, I doubt she was happy in her blended family if she never spoke to you).

That being said, there is nothing that would persuade me tell my student DC that they weren’t welcome in their own home over the holidays.

Original poster

WornoutStepMum · 21/05/2023 12:46

Completely agree! - but also I think at least 50% of time at BM’s is not unreasonable.
She certainly chooses to go there when there’s fun stuff happening- so going there when it’s ‘normal everyday’ is also ok as far as I’m concerned
Thank you !

OP posts:

Whatifitallgoesright · 21/05/2023 12:46

Sounds a terrible home atmosphere to bear. If she can't speak civily to you then she shouldn't get the benefits of living there. She needs to be sat down and told that. If she can't explain her behaviour and reasoning and see how offensive it is then she goes to her mothers. Why should you put up with it? Who made her more deserving of care and value than you? It would make me feel like my partner doesn't care about me, tell him that.

A massive list of requirements and rules is required. No sleeping in. She is to be up by 10am and doing something constructive. You will not cook or do laundry or clean for her. She is to do those things for herself and as contribution to the house in lieu of rent she can't pay while a student.

Of course this isn't really workable as it's unenforcible. 3 strikes and you're out? I don't know. I really feel for you.

Reugny · 21/05/2023 12:50

At 20 if you don't want her living in your household for a couple of months then tell both your DH and her now that she isn't welcome, so needs to find somewhere else to stay.

She can either stay in her university town either in her shared house or someone elses, or at her mum's. However it is for her to sort out not you or her dad as she is an adult.

Btw due to where one of my brothers' lived his daughter preferred to stay in her university town as she could more easily get work over summer and travel to it.

Oh and I knew a mother who made one of her sons' move out as she couldn't put up with him.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/05/2023 12:50

So has your dh confronted her?

From a stepchild's position I would suggest you both sitting down with her and spelling things out.

I would first of all ask her what her issues are. That would be interesting!

Then I would get your dh to point out how much you do for her but also how rude she is being. Sometimes people need to be challenged on these things to make them see that they just cant' get away with it anymore.

Then present a united front in telling her the new rules, no more financial help, she must get a job, what she must do in the house to help etc etc. She's 20 for god's sake, she needs to pull her socks up. And yes to at least 50% at her mum's.

Reugny · 21/05/2023 12:54

If she is working it isn't realistic to tell her to spend 50% of her time at her mum's unless her mum lives a handful of streets away.

Lots of work for young adults that age involves unsociable hours so she needs to have one base.

Hence you are better off telling her she can't stay at all. Obviously she can visit.

2bazookas · 21/05/2023 12:56

Frankly, I don't understand why you hadn't grasped the natures of rude antisocial SD and passive no-discipline DH BEFORE YOU MARRIED and inflicted this on your own kids.

Sugargliderwombat · 21/05/2023 13:02

I do wonder what her side of the story is. Talking about disciplining a 20 year old is a bit mad🤪.

Original poster

WornoutStepMum · 21/05/2023 13:03

I know - I was naive and thought we could continue to resolve it as we went along! 😩

OP posts:

Motheranddaughter · 21/05/2023 13:03

Would you put one of your own children out of the house for similar behaviour
I don’t think you can tell a 20 year old what time they have to get up and do something constructive
Mine will all be home from University this summer (between holidays)
I find if I leave them to it then after a few days of sleeping all day in rooms that look like they have dropped their open luggage from a great height they regulate themselves

She definitely shouldn’t be rude to and you and her father should pick her up on that every single time

Original poster

WornoutStepMum · 21/05/2023 13:04

It’s perhaps the wrong choice of word - I mean more input and guidance as adults to a younger adult.

OP posts:

Original poster

WornoutStepMum · 21/05/2023 13:07

Tbh yes, I dealt with my own kids being rude to adults both in and out of the home when they were younger. They can always express themselves- but how they do that is important. They’ve been brought up with consistently clear guidance and direction .

OP posts:

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 21/05/2023 13:09

I’d be getting rid of the DH tbh. Nothing more unattractive than a shit dad who’s raised brats. Bleurgh!

SeasonFinale · 21/05/2023 13:33

At 20 I would be suggesting that she is the one that needs to find herself a job over the holidays from uni to fund herself.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/05/2023 13:33

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 21/05/2023 13:09

I’d be getting rid of the DH tbh. Nothing more unattractive than a shit dad who’s raised brats. Bleurgh!

I have to say that this is what I would do. I just can't believe the number of women who are staying with men who are raising awful children. My home is my sanctuary and I would be buggered if I'd have that girl living there given she's 20 now.

forrestgreen · 21/05/2023 13:53

'Dh, this is my home and I deserve respect from everyone in it. Obviously sd struggles with this massively. So she is more than welcome here when you are here to intervene.'

Dh to sd
'Hi x we need to sort out where you'll be this summer. I'm not sure if mum has organised anything with you yet. I suggest mums house as your base. I'm home Friday night to Sunday night so I'll collect you and bring you here then (insert any specials days or holidays) (and getting a bloody job!) speak to you soon'

MeridianB · 21/05/2023 19:55

Good form of words from @forrestgreen

Your DH needs a big wake up call. He’s raised a rude young woman who other people don’t want to be around!

I guarantee that he wouldn’t put up with her ignoring another adult like she does you. He’d soon speak up if she ignored him, his parents or a tutor. So it totally unacceptable to have her in the house if she can’t behave respectfully.

Do you contribute to her finances?

Flip

1 2