Would you congratulate adult SS who doesn`t do the same for you?

[Anuta77]

I have a good relationship with the oldest SS (turning 23) except that he pretty much stopped visiting us a few years ago.
Until a few years ago, he was still congratulating me with my bday, when he stopped, I continued anyway, I figured that hes not into that and theres noone to remind him.
Well, last year, he called my DP to ask about the bday of his exSM (separated about 9 years ago) and I once heard him saying that he remembered her bday date. The exSM didnt raise him or anything, but SS is friends with her son and she made big efforts to be extra nice with SS calling him her love, etc, so obviously hes more connected to that family.

Im not jealous, but I figure that if he can make an effort for his fathers ex wife that he considers his family, he could have asked his father about mine or my children`s (one is his half-brother) if he wanted.

The question is should we acknowledge his bday? At some point, I figure its like with friends who dont make efforts, you let them go...

He makes no effort with you and you don't seem to see him at all. I'd give up on it and leave it to your partner to deal with him.

Why is his father not teaching him to be considerate of other people, especially his brother?

How many steps mom's has he had?

He's got two stepmums? Poor bloke. That's a bit sad.

Hang on, your question is should WE acknowledge his birthday? Whether YOU do or not is your choice but his father absolutely should because he is his father

And no, your stepchild is not someone you "let go" like a distant friend because they will always be your partner's child

Do you have a good relationship if he never visits?

If you don't want to wish him a happy birthday, that's fine but I don't think it's reasonable to encourage your husband to stop whatever he does for his son's birthday

he has 2 step mums?? id let it go. dont bother sendimg a card. but just be friendly if and when u see him

He’s 22.

He Has his mum

He had his first stepmum

Now there’s you. And there’s a half brother thrown into the mix with you.

that’s a lot of people in 22 years.

I wouldn’t worry about a lack of card.

OP, his father should recognize his birthday. You should do whatever makes you comfortable.

My three SK’s (the eldest is 20, youngest 15) don’t wish me happy birthday or happy Christmas etc. I still text them on their birthday or Christmas (when they’re not with us)

I don’t receive a card or gift but will always buy them something.

I see it as it costs me nothing to wish them happy birthday and you don’t give to receive.

If you don’t want to, you don’t have to

@Chunkychips23
Your attitude is so mature. It means that you aren't wasting a lot of head space worrying about what they are or are not doing. You have identified your course of action, and are free to focus on more important issues.

I would be. Because even if they grow up to not like me I like them and am so proud of them. I would perhaps wait until the next time I saw them if it were soon after or text if not. Presumably his dad remembers?

Yes this is the approach I take

What is the problem with a lot of people? I wish I had a big family!

I finally did and told his father to invite him to a BBQ in our house (my DP always does something for him separately obviously, but the BBQ is in addition to it).
I felt a bit bad for SS, his mother took off to another country, his brother left for the weekend, so there was nobody other than my DP to celebrate his bday. I figured that even if he doesnt acknoledge mine, nothing changes in my life.

Whats so sad about it? I dont even consider myself as his stepmother given that we rarely see each other and the other one is the mother of his friend. She has a people pleasing personality and felt bad for her son because his family is in another country, so clinging to SS is a way to sort of give her own son a bigger family.
Myself, Im with his father, the rare times I see him, Im nice with him.
If you know nothing about stepfamilies, just go troll elsewhere.

I'm not a troll. I think that most people would agree that a revolving door of new partners and step parents, In children and teenagers lives. Is not a good thing.

@Anuta77 There’s nothing wrong with a big family. But this isn’t a big family situation. This is a situation where, in less than 2 decades, his dad has been married and had a family with 3 different women. And, although 22 is an adult, it’s nowhere near the same as being 40. And I think that, at 22, having a revolving door of family members would mean that I wouldn’t be seeing this as a family situation. In fact, I suspect that somewhere in his head he thinks “why bother, number 4 will be along before I know it”

This is MN.

As someone who had two step mothers and half siblings from both, you are the mature adult in this relationship.

So text him and don't expect anything back until he matures more. This includes meeting more people in rl who don't have near families. This will take years.

His father spent 7 years with his ex and 9 years with me. Nothing out of this world. Knowing that I appeared in his life when he was a teenager and that he was never forced to spend time with me, I dont see whats so horrible about it. Thats the problem on this board, we get people who know nothing about stepfamilies passing judgements.

He was very young when his father divorced his mother, I doubt he remembers them together.
He never had a 50-50 arrangement. His father always visited him and his brother in their mothers house, meaning that they always had stability.
Ive been with his father for 9 years, we own a house, have a child, he always sees us well. Do you really think that hes expecting to be presented with a new woman? Its just his personality, his younger brother was always congratulating me.
Today he was in our house, he looked happy and relaxed, played with his little brother. Hardly looked like a traumatized young man. Trust me, there are worse things that having a father who had 2 wives after divorce.

Thank you.
Did you find it traumatizing having 2 stepmothers and half siblings from both?