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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

WWYD?

23 replies

Carmenere · 18/02/2008 20:37

Dsd (8) lives in France and just visits us for the holidays, as this is a new arrangement (her mum wasn't keen until last year) it is not pre-organised or anything and is kind of ad-hoc.

She is a lovely child and although her English isn't good we all rub along together just fine.

The problem has arisen that dp is away doing a continuous professional development course that has been booked for months whilst she is on her Easter holidays. I will be away for work the following week. So he has asked me if she can come to visit whilst he is away. I have said no. I think that he should be here when she is here. I do the lions share of the looking after her anyway but tbh I am not keen on having the responsibility of a non-english speaking child on my own for a whole week. She can't come the following week as I will be away and there will be no-one around to take care of her during the day whilst dp works.

The reason that this is last minute is because her mum got arsey with dp re maintenance (the bank made a mess of the transfer and she didn't believe him He regularly helps her out when she is stuck financially btw) and she said that dsd wasn't going to come for Easter. She has changed her mind.

I have no idea if her mum would mind dsd being here without dp.

So what would you do? Should I have her for the week on my own and notch up some serious brownie points?

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Original poster

Carmenere · 18/02/2008 20:44

Oh please someone tell me I'm right???

OP posts:

WanderingTrolley · 18/02/2008 20:45

I would say no - who is she visiting, her step mother or her father?

Not that you aren't the world's loveliest step mother, obv, but my worry would be there is only a certain amount of time she can spend with her father, and in coming now and not seeing him, she may be jeopardising a future visit.

Aimsmum · 18/02/2008 20:45

Message withdrawn

LittleBella · 18/02/2008 20:48

Well you've already said you've said no. What do you want? Would it be a tremendous upheaval for you? You don't sound very keen and unless your DH kicks up a stink, I'd go with your first reaction, which was "no". There's a reason that was your first response and it's probably a good one.

If DH really really wants her to come, then I'd run it past her mother and past her - at 8 I think she's old enough to have an opinion. The whole point of contact is that she has contact with her father and if he isn't going to be there, it might be a bit wierd and inappropriate and she might feel a bit short-changed.

Original poster

Carmenere · 18/02/2008 20:51

I think dp would just like her to be here so she can be part of the family (and I think he will be a bit scared of her mum going mental) but I think that she might feel a bit unimportant if her dad is away whilst she is here iyswim. He has been away fro a couple of days in the past whilst she was here and that was ok but this time he would only see her for one day and that is not really good enough is it?

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WanderingTrolley · 18/02/2008 20:57

Good point about her feeling unimportant, but good point about her being a part of the family.

Still, though, no.

Is it feasible for her to come for a long weekend? OR for dh to visit her for a long weekend?

catsmother · 18/02/2008 21:01

If you got on really well with her and relish the time you see her (and vice versa) with or without her dad, then a visit to just you would be something nice to do.

However, I don't get that impression (or else you wouldn't be posting) and there's a good chance the girl will feel like an unwanted parcel who's been "palmed off" (no offence to you) by her mother, and whose dad "doesn't want" to see her (as she could well think if he's not there).

Really - as everyone else has said, it's pretty pointless for her to come over if her dad isn't going to be there and him being scared of saying that this isn't a practical or convenient time to his ex isn't reason enough to land you with a hefty responsibility you don't feel comfortable with & don't want.

Original poster

Carmenere · 18/02/2008 21:01

I think what I might do is to book a trip over there for dd and dp (and dss if he wants) to spend a weekend with her in Paris (I'm sure I can find ways of occupying myself home alone for a whole weekend). That way she can still see them. I have every intention of asking her mum to allow her to come on summer holidays with us to Ireland.

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fizzbuzz · 18/02/2008 21:02

Why can't she come when you are away?......or have i missed something?

Original poster

Carmenere · 18/02/2008 21:03

Dp will be working.

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WanderingTrolley · 18/02/2008 21:04

No one to look after her fizzbuzz. Carmenere's dh will be at work all day.

WanderingTrolley · 18/02/2008 21:05

(Christ! How slow is my typing?)

Paris trip great idea....is dss available to look after her whilst dh is at work, when you're away?

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 18/02/2008 21:05

DP is taking the piss.

I will leave it at that.

Original poster

Carmenere · 18/02/2008 21:09

Well he may well be trying to take the piss (to make life easy for himself) but I am not letting him. It is a case of swings and roundabouts and I am just back from the Seychelles and going skiing at the end of March so our existence is not totally without balance, but I take your point.

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KacyB · 18/02/2008 21:27

I look after my SDs occasionally when my husband is away and will look after them both for a week around Easter when both their mum and dad are away (separately!!!)... but they are a regular part of our lives and I would only feel comfortable with this if I knew their mum was aware their dad wasnt' present...

I think each situation needs to be assessed.. for instance: Would your partner's access be compromised if he messed up arrangements now? Is there a reason your partner doesn't want to rock the boat and, if you did look after your SD would your partner be able to see her at all? Even just for an evening? Or is it possible he's worried that his DD might wonder that her dad isn't bothered to see her?

i think, though, at the end of the day, you have to be comfortable with your decision... and your gut reaction was no....

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 18/02/2008 21:31

I am presuming you were in the Seychelles for work ?

Work is work, if it takes you away from home no matter how nice it is.

You have only just regained ground with DSS, on the back of being too nice.

Start as you mean to go on.

wildfish · 18/02/2008 21:36

I'm not a step parent, but I know I would want any future partner of mine to treat my DS as if he were part of the whole family and not just a bit of mine. And I certainly would do the same. Personally I would have her over, and the fact that she really would like to come to visit you is an honour in my opinion (aka she obviously accepts you). But hey we're all different and you need to do what you feel is right, just giving another view.

Original poster

Carmenere · 18/02/2008 21:40

You are right of course Brie. I just don't want her to feel that she is not wanted here because she is but it is not up to me to facilitate her visits above and beyond the norm. Her dad needs to start thinking ahead when scheduling her visits. That said her mum is to blame too.

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Original poster

Carmenere · 18/02/2008 21:44

Well Wildfish I agree with you in theory and I do my best to welcome her, as I said I do most of the looking after when she is here anyway, she is generally a good child and it is no big deal. But it is early days as she has only been here a few times and her english isn't great so if she was ill or something i would be in big trouble. And Brie is right I need to avoid the role of doormat in our house.

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BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 18/02/2008 21:46

LGJ checks armpits, establishs she is not a cheese...

Agree with you that DP needs to take ownership. If he does and out of seven he needs your help for one or two that is normal.

Surfermum · 19/02/2008 17:44

I would come at it from your dsd's point of view.

The whole point of her coming is to see her Dad. If he doesn't see her that often, the least he could do is take time off work to be with her, otherwise won't she think he can't be bothered to be with her?

Why can't he take time off work the week you're away?

jammi · 20/02/2008 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sophieto · 20/02/2008 13:42

I'm in a similar position, and my husb's daughter (7) comes to stay with us in holidays as she lives in France too.

Personally, I wouldn't want her to come for a whole week without her dad being there. Much as I love her, the whole point of her visits are to see her dad, or grandparents, and my relationship with her comes as a result of those visits. If her dad or grandparents aren't around, my DSD would rather be with her mum anyway.

Everyone's different - your Paris trip sounds like a good idea, but perhaps it would be possible to arrange a long weekend down in France - a mini-holiday where you can all enjoy some quality time together to break up the lengthy period of time between visits as an alternative?

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