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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

is this an issue or am I self sabotaging?

23 replies

stucky · 13/05/2023 20:26

My Partner and I have a good relationship and we love each other a lot.
We live in separate cities, I am currently studying, we plan to move in together once I finish at University. We have been together for 3 years and Known each other for 4 and 1/2.

I stay at his every weekend. His house is bigger and can comfortably fit me and my son, and him and his two kids plus the dog.
I think I am just a bit feed up, I think he has been in my house 5 times in throughout our relationship. He has never stayed, he has 50/50 custody of the kids so it is viable. He changed the arrangements with his ex, currently he has the kids every friday night and saturday morning/late afternoon one weekend and the full weekend the next, I would never expect to have a say over arrangements with the kids but thought at this point we would discuss it together at least? I just feel like my son and I have to slot in with him and his family, I thought we would become more blended and perhaps expected more compromise on both sides.

I am up every morning between 5.30 and 6am and I have fibromyalgia. Sometimes I am just exhausted by the weekend and need to rest. He has said he doesn’t mind if I stay in bed. However when we argue it is apparent it is. My son is almost 13 and is happy to sort himself out, his son is 7 and has autism. He is up very early and is quite vocal, i have offered to get up with him to allow my partner to have a lie in but he always declines.
Coming towards the end of the academic year I just feel exhausted and under an immense amount of pressure. I decided not to go over this weekend to get some rest and try to sort out my head. I find his house very chaotic, there are no real boundaries or rules there and I just wanted to relax without feeling guilty. I do love him, more than anything, i just feel that our families aren’t blending fully and I find that really challenging. He says he just wants an easy life and for everyone to be happy, i sometimes feel like that’s just an excuse to let the children to whatever they want and it freaks me out. I have tried to talk with him about this, he says i focus on the negative and he focuses on the positive. That he doesn't know what to do and won’t stop doing what he is doing because his kids are happy. His daughter is 11 and has no bed time often going to sleep in the early hours of the morning and talking to god knows who on her phone, he won’t put safety settings on her phone or check it for safety. I do all these things with my son, he has a routine and structure. I check his phone every night, we have a great relationship. His DD
sleeps all weekend, if we go out early as a family she naps when we get home. I just don’t think it’s healthy and worry about ahat what will happen when we live together. I don’t know what i am looking for here. I feel like maybe I am nit picking but I just worry the way we parent is so misaligned, they don’t really eat vegetables, we do, we finish our mains before pudding and snack only if we have eaten our main meals. They don't. It has always worried me a bit but the closer we get to moving in together the less i want to do

OP posts:

pecantoucan · 13/05/2023 20:32

Yeah it doesn't sound like you should move in/have him move in any time soon. And that's ok.

lunar1 · 13/05/2023 20:34

You don't sound at all compatible as parents.

What would happen with schools if one of you moves cities?

DGay · 13/05/2023 20:38

I definitely does not sound like you and your son should be living with him and his family. The way he is with his kids could rub off on your son. They have no rules and your son does. That would drive me nuts having his kids in home with no rules.

Original poster

stucky · 13/05/2023 20:39

My son can get to school from his house, it is only one bus journey. He drives his kids to school. It’s more an issue around discipline, boundaries and values around homework, diet, bed times etc. I often feel like the bore and horrible one or fun sponge in comparison

OP posts:

QueenieMe · 13/05/2023 20:39

This doesn't sound at all workable and I feel desperately sorry for your DS that he can't have a relaxing weekend in his own home and has to schlep to your boyfriend's every weekend to suit the pair of you.

Original poster

stucky · 13/05/2023 20:40

It absolutely does!

OP posts:

Original poster

stucky · 13/05/2023 20:42

My DS loves it there and adores my partner. No schleping or dragging going on here. Thanks :)

OP posts:

pecantoucan · 13/05/2023 20:44

I stay at his every weekend I'd make that every other weekend personally, your child deserves time with just you

QueenieMe · 13/05/2023 20:45

Either you are blending the families well or you aren't – if your DS likes going there and loves your DP, that suggests you are. So what's the nub of the problem?

unfor · 13/05/2023 20:45

"the closer we get to moving in together the less i want to"
Listen to your intuition! From what you've written here you have very different parenting styles. Parenting is only going to get much harder as your DCs move into and through adolescence. If you can't discuss and agree on issues now, you certainly won't be able to when you all have the stress of living together full time. In your shoes I would think twice, thrice and a hundred times before moving in together.

MeridianB · 13/05/2023 20:47

OP, have you posted before? A few months ago? If not it was a very similar situation and everyone said he was being selfish and you should step back from him and out your son and yourself first. Apologies if this wasn’t you.

QueenieMe · 13/05/2023 20:51

MeridianB · 13/05/2023 20:47

She has.

Stillcountingbeans · 13/05/2023 21:23

Don't move in with DP until DS is at least 18 yrs old.
Just wait. If the relationship is 'right', it will survive the waiting.

SquidwardBound · 14/05/2023 16:49

It’s very clear from your post that you have to fit in around him and never question anything or be inconvenient.

Your instincts are screaming at you not to move in for a reason.

IME ‘I just want an easy life and for everyone to be happy’ actually means ‘you must shut up and put up with whatever I want’. You will always be the problem, making his life ‘hard’ by having needs or boundaries or expectations. Your son suffers as a result.

This is not a good relationship for you at all.

Mari9999 · 14/05/2023 17:18

OP, maybe your relationship ,given the difference in parenting styles, better lends itself to living apart together. Your partner, just like you, has a right to parent his children in the manner that he thinks best. A 7 year old autistic child is not necessarily going to adapt easily to your view of acceptable behavior.

If you relationship can't withstand a little space and distance, or if you would just rather not, then maybe now is the time to reevaluate the possible longevity of this relationship.

Laurdo · 14/05/2023 21:05

He sounds like a classic Disney dad. As long as the kids are happy bla bla bla. That's not how parenting works. He just wants an easy life is code for "I'm lazy and can't be bothered with the work involved in having proper routine and boundaries for my kids."

You're not compatible from a parenting point of view. It's going to be hard to explain to your DS that he can't have dessert because he didn't finish his dinner when the other kids are stuffing their face with ice cream after eating 3 chips. Or sending your DS to bed at a reasonable time when the younger children are still up. Moving in with him is going to cause a lot of resentment between you and your DS and you'll in turn end up resenting DP too and his kids.

You can't really tell him how to parent his kids but you can absolutely refuse to be part of the chaos.

Mari9999 · 14/05/2023 21:41

@Laurdo
On man's chaos can be another man's structure.
Don't criticize what he is doing ; just recognize that it is not what you want to do for your child.

Neither of you can say with any certainty how any of these children will turn out or function as adults. What you all should be able to say is that you did what you thought best for your children.

Laurdo · 14/05/2023 21:52

A child having no bedtime and being allowed up to all hours with no parental controls is not any man's structure.

SquidwardBound · 14/05/2023 22:10

He sounds like a crap father. Why on earth is it somehow sacrilege to criticise him for it?

I wonder if his ex enjoys getting back the tired children who’ve had no effective parenting 50% of the time?

rookiemere · 14/05/2023 22:25

Read your own first post OP.

Take a step back, if it wasn't you, would you honestly advise that woman to move in with her DP in the scenario you have posted?

You already know the answer to this one.

billy1966 · 18/05/2023 19:03

Sounds awful every single weekend.

He's a father who does whats easiest for him, not what is best for his children.

Keep your own house and stay more in it.

Theysoughtitwiththimbles · 18/05/2023 19:13

I’d find that kind of incompatibility with parenting really tough. Sorry you’re going through this OP. I agree that waiting until DS is older before moving in would be better. Maybe 16 when he’s old enough to understand the difference in your approaches and not take it personally as sone people have outlined above? Every other weekend sounds like a great idea. Give you and DS some rest time and QT together

Original poster

stucky · 19/05/2023 07:09

Hi Everyone,

thanks for your comments. We have decided to change to every other weekend, we have agreed to sit down and try to find some common ground. Really appreciate everyones perspective :)

OP posts:

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